Monday, May 2, 2011

Six months....

This past Saturday marked the 6 month Anniversary of when we lost Austin. I say we, as if he were mine to lose. He wasn't, but I have felt grief as strong as I did for my own babies. I have been brought to my knees in pain and watched dear friends fight to start to survive the rest of their lives without him. I have realized that I have changed once again, if possible I could love my kids even more. This past Saturday was not only the 6 month mark, but also the first Saturday that was also the 30th. Two days before that a good friend of mine was camping with her family. Her 4 year old daughter was riding her bike, lost control and fell. She was non responsive, her eyes were locked to one side and she couldn't see. She was transported by ambulance to a hospital where they planned on air caring her to Children's. When I read the email the next morning, the email ending with wonderful news that she was okay, it all came rushing back. Six months ago I may have called to check on her, sent a card. Post October 30, 2010 I went over. I hugged my friend with tears in my eyes and then I hugged her daughter. I brought her a present, one she could sit and play with! I was there because I had to see her for myself. I realized in that moment that I was this different person. I am for the 3rd time in my recent life still trying to figure out who I am. The new normal is much easier this time, not effecting every aspect of my life, like it does Austin's family, but it is new to me. I have always loved my friends children, I have always worked to make them a part of our lives. Now it is different. Now I know how profound of an effect each of these little ones has had on me. Maybe this is one of the ways Austin has changed me. I can see his face whenever I want. I can close my eyes and think of him. I can visit his grave and sit with his Mom. I can watch his brother play and steal kisses and hugs from him as he wears my shoes through the house. But, I will never get to hold Austin and steal a kiss from him. So, to all of my friends, if we are ever on a play date and out of nowhere I decide to hug and kiss your babies....know it is a little part of me and a little part of an Angel working together.

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