Monday, August 27, 2018
Saturday, March 10, 2018
Some days go by so slowly,
Some years go by so fast.
I sit back and think of the little
I have of you
they have faded.
Ten years of healing.
Ten years of grieving.
Ten years of regret.
if I could have given you more.
You made me who I am today.
You gave me the strength,
I didn’t know I had.
You changed my life forever.
This day 10 years ago,
Changed my life forever.
When a day supposed to be full
Of excitement and surprise,
the darkest hour,
of the darkest day,
from your worst nightmare.
Holding little Anna’s hand that day.
smiling to TJ waiting on news
Of a girl or a boy.
Having the doctor come in,
with the worst words.
Incompatible with life.
Will not survive.
Hearing a wail fill the air
Of the ultrasound room
Not even recognizing that the cry was mine.
Leaving the office in a daze,
disbelief and pain.
Calling my mom from the parking lot,
screaming into the phone.
My baby is dying.
It can’t live.
The baby is dying.
Ten years later these moments feel
I wish the memories I had
were better than what they are.
Ten years later.
You would be turning 10 years old.
In the 4th grade.
God had other plans for us.
The pain of losing you,
is never far from my mind.
Days like today,
it hits hard.
I love you, Emma Jean.
I hope we have made you proud.
I hope you look down from Heaven,
and see how much you have changed me.
See the person I am because of you.
Your life on Earth may have been short,
But the impact you have made will never end.
So today on “D -Day” a decade later,
I’m going to try my best to smile,
Give a hug,
Enjoy the sunshine,
And be thankful God made you mine.
Monday, February 12, 2018
It happened today. For the last 8 years I have prepared myself for this moment. I have thought about what I would say and how I would say it. I have thought about how my words and reactions would have a major impact on him. Someone told other people he was adopted. I asked him if it upset him and he said that it did. He said the kid told him he had a secret about him and then whispered to other kids near them. He said the way he did it made it seem like it was bad. I asked him what he did and he said he told the teacher. I asked him if he said anything else to the boy and he said no.
Friday, October 27, 2017
Kids are pretty amazing. But, sometimes It's difficult to make the right choices to lead them in the right direction. It is difficult to know if you are helping to better them or screwing them up!
Last year Wyatt had a rough time. As I fought for him time and time again, I felt defeated. More importantly, he felt defeated. He was sad that he couldn't succeed. Sad that he wasn't his best self and often put in situations with expectations that wouldn't allow these things to happen. It took ten meetings, what seems like a hundred emails and a few heart to hearts to come to the decision to switch schools. It wasn't because of sports or commitments. It was because I didn't want to see my son defeated. This kid has been through more than enough in his life. He is an amazing, kind, courteous, smart and gorgeous kid. He needs those around him to help him to be his best self. It isn't too much to expect. It isn't too much to ask for. Last year was rough. He walked out of school sullen because of behavior marks for things beyond his control, things accommodations were to be made for daily.
This year is different. This school he comes home from daily with a skip in his step and a smile on his face. Even on the days where he has been beaten down (literally and figuratively), he still feels happy and welcome. He is proud of himself. He tells me about school and friends, about lunch and religion. I get positive feedback and the necessary information to help him make better choices. Instead of not taking the time for the one on one he needs, the principal takes the time to be the person to give him his tests. They help him to be successful and most importantly to feel successful.
Today he received his first report card at his new school. He was out of breath as he ran through the door from running home. He immediately ran in to show me what he had received. He feels smart. He feels recognized. He is proud of himself in school. This is what we want for our son. This is why we made the choice we did.
It is days like today that help us realize that the hardest choices sometimes bring the best results.
Monday, October 23, 2017
Anna Caito 10-18-2017
I love that she is finding an outlet in writing, just like mom...
Friday, October 13, 2017
Every once in awhile it hits me. That punch you in the face, take away your breath, overwhelming grief. When one thing can take you 9 years back in time and leave a weight on your chest as if you are in the middle of the Nightmare once lived. It doesn't last long, but man does it hit hard. Today it hit me.
It may seem as if my mission to find Cinnamon chips was a bit crazy. Although I love to make Cinnamon chip scones and share them with those I love, there is a deeper meaning behind making them each year.
When we lost Emma 9 years ago I was lost. I was moving through the days trying to exist in a world I no longer knew. I was trying to be the best mom I could be to Anna, while trying to live life without my other daughter. One of the only ways I found peace was sitting on the bench near her grave. I spent hours by myself staring into the sky. Staring into the back of my eyelids as they burned with tears of regret and sorrow. I often stopped at Panera and got myself a cup of coffee before I went. The first few times I looked in the case of desserts and walked by. Trying to lose the baby weight from a baby you don't have is like a cruel joke. One day I scanned the scones and saw a Cinnamon Chip Scone. I thought, screw it, I'm going to the cemetery to visit my dead baby, I'm getting the damn scone. For 6 months I sat and ate my scone and had my coffee while at the cemetery. For awhile after, once pregnant with Connor, I swore I wouldn't eat them, fearing it would jinx me. I should have just eaten the scone then too. After we lost Connor I went back to get a scone on my way to the cemetery and they no longer had the same ones. It was like a sign to me that they were for my time with Emma. Just Emma.
Baking has always been a way to help me stop thinking. To focus on something else. I started baking a lot more when mom and dad got me a kitchen aid mixer shortly after we lost Emma and Connor. Then I found the copycat recipe for Panera Cinnamon Chip Scones. They are delicious. I love them, but that first bite every time takes me back. Time stands still and memories take over. So I make a few dozen more and I share them around. It is a feeling I need to feel every once in awhile. A taste that I will never forget.