Sunday, July 31, 2011

no drumsticks for this quirky girl....

Tonight T.J., the kids and I decided we wanted to make ice cream sundaes. I told T.J. I would run up and get the ice cream at Krogers. His response was "Why don't you just go to UDF?" simple question really. It is closer, it is more convenient and I would have saved myself 15 minutes, but I can't go. The truth is I haven't been to UDF in almost 9 months. The last time I went was the night Austin died. I can still picture the ice cream on the table as I answered that phone call. See it dripping to the ground when we came back home that night. It may be superstitious, silly or just dumb, but I will never run up and get ice cream at UDF again.
I know there are so many things about me that T.J. will never understand, no matter how well he knows me. The UDF thing is just like so many others that I have grown up with. The reason why I threw away the sweater I realized I had worn to both Emma and Connor's funerals....I would never want to be able to wear it again, God forbid. Or the reason why I have never owned nor used a large glass measuring cup. My brother got sick in one just like it the night he got sick before he died. The same reason why I have never eaten (nor have my children ever eaten) a drumstick...the last thing Mikey ate that night. I know it may seem odd, we all know that me going to UDF, Mikey eating a drumstick or my sweater did not cause the series of events that preceded or followed, but it is just the thought.
Grief is such a process. There are so many things we have no control over, especially when dealing with grief. These little superstitions are a way to make me feel like I am doing something. I have spent the last 30 years and 11 months fully aware that I wasn't allowed to have drumsticks and I have never seen a problem with that! I don't think I have missed out on much with one ice cream cone on my list of no's! A few have been passed down from my Grandmother and coined as "bad luck", some from my mom and others have been created in my own head, but all of these things are a part of who I am. I have thrown clothes away, stopped buying specific groceries and even gone different ways to get somewhere because of this. How we deal with our grief makes us who we are. I guess when you speak nicely of someone we would call these traits quirks! Quirky....maybe that is what I am....

Thursday, July 28, 2011

July 28.......

Three years ago today, should have been my due date with Emma. In everything that I have done to help myself heal over the past 3 1/2 years this is still a day that stings. I guess I have learned alot about myself, about life, about being a parent over these 3 years. Still I think that Emma has taught me the biggest lessons about love. I love you sweet Emma Jean. This day 3 years ago was the day when I think I started to heal. Today I thought I would post a poem I wrote for her on that day....

Here we are
we have made it to this day
a few months ago
I thought
it would never come
yet here we are
you in your place
in Heaven
me in my place
on Earth
I held you
for awhile in my body
I will hold you
forever in my heart
regardless of how
mommy wants it to be
no matter how much it hurts
this is it
this is where we are

Sunday, July 17, 2011

three little words....

If you have ever been around my family, my immediate family that I grew up in as well as my family now, you know we are huggers. In fact I can pretty much bet that if you are a friend of mine and have ever even met my dad he has given you a hug! We like to bring people into our homes, welcome them with open arms, make them something to eat, make sure they are comfortable and enjoying themselves. It is just the way things are. I have loved growing up in a family like this. We hug each time we see each other, never miss a chance to say I love you, never. There is one exception to this, Aunt Jean. She has been at every party and has been a part of my life for as long as I can remember. She was the person who watched me when mom and dad (seldomly) went out, the person who remembered every birthday, anniversary and so on, she is the closest thing I can ever remember having to a grandparent. She is even the namesake for my Emma Jean. I have to admit that tonight something happened that has never happened before. Maybe it is age, maybe it is the realization of how much things are changing, but it happened.
Tonight we celebrated my sister's birthday. It was perfect with her family, our family, mom and dad and Aunt Jean. It has been a few weeks since we have seen Aunt Jean. She recently moved into Western Hills Retirement home. Between Alzheimer's and moving at 85 years old she has had a really tough time. My mom has been over so many times helping her to try and adjust, calling everyday and being the support she needs. The kids and I planned on going over last week, but it was a bit too soon. Tonight we picked her up for the party. We talked about her new "home" on the way to the party. The activities they have, how the kids have been etc. We had a nice time at mom's for the party and when it was time to go she was proud she remembered where I had put her keys. On the way back she said many times how wonderful the kids are. How much she has missed seeing them and how big they are. I told her we could all come and see her for brunch, now that she is settling in to her new routine. When we pulled up to drop her off she slowly got out of the car and said goodbye and thank you. She started to walk towards the door and stopped and looked in the window. I opened the door so she could see the kids. She looked at me, then looked at them and said "I love you". This is it. I am almost 31 years old and this is the first time I have heard her say these words. I can't tell you what it meant to me . I have always known that she loved me, but this was new. I am happy that she has gotten to a point in her life, though it may have taken 85 years, where she can say I love you. I am even happier that she said it to the kids and I. Now, if only she can get the courage up to say it to my mom. The little things that children say freely, kept so tight inside of this woman for so long. I bet she was happy when she went to bed tonight, hopefully she will remember, so the next time she won't be so nervous.