Tuesday, March 13, 2012


Earlier this week I posted about a few things that happened during Emma's week that seemed a little too coincidental to be just that. Tonight another one of those things happened that has not only warmed my heart, but answered a little question I have always wanted to know.
Today is Emma's Birthday. She would be 4. I remember a few years ago sobbing in the middle of Krogers wondering which balloons to buy her, not knowing her preference. This year it was an easy choice, Pooh, because Anna and Wyatt are both into Pooh and Friends right now. We chose a few balloons to go with it, pink, blue and two shades of purple. We took the balloons to the cemetery and sang happy birthday. We stayed for awhile enjoying the wonderful weather and while we were there minutes apart two of the balloons popped. The pink and the blue. As we watched the remaining balloons fly I mentioned to T.J. that purple must be Emma's favorite color. We went home and played outside and I hadn't thought much more of it until just after sundown the doorbell rang. It was my mom and dad, standing in the doorway, with 2 purple balloons. I had tears in my eyes as I told them that is was so weird they brought two purple balloons. My mom had a look in her eye and looked right at my dad and said "see I told you". Seems she knew when there were 2 purple balloons together that those were the ones to bring. We are so blessed in this life to receive these signs and to be able to be open enough to really see them. As Anna and Wy let the balloons into the night sky we watched as they stayed within feet of each other all the way until they disappeared. Seems Emma let us know that she likes purple today, coincidentally it is now Anna's favorite color too.

Happy Birthday sweet girl....

Thursday, March 8, 2012

Four Years

It is so odd to me how sometimes in a grief season the it is not only the dates that are hard, but the days as well. When we got Emma's diagnosis it was on a Monday, she died on a Thursday. The days that the dates have fallen on have changed each year since, but Monday was still weird and today has been the same. On the day of her diagnosis it snowed 4 years ago. On Monday, after a mild winter with no snow, it snowed. I have had eerie signs and signals from all over this week. The snow, random things Anna has done - completely unprompted, a phone call to go back to our old house and most importantly, an email. From someone I haven't spoken to since Emma died. Four years today I got the email.
Sometimes I feel like God is literally talking to me, letting me know he has not forgotten what I have come through and showing me reasons why I can continue to be strong. Reminding me that my babies lives have not been forgotten and that they have made a huge difference in not only our lives, but others as well. I found out a good friend's child was born with a disorder. Although not life threatening, scary and a huge surprise none the less. She is so lucky to have been born into an amazing, accepting and loving family. With a mother who would have her no other way than how God made her. But I have to say, her birth made me sit and think long and hard if I had a child, before I lost Emma, how would I have handled it? How would I have felt without knowing what I know now? Of course I would have loved the baby, but I wouldn't have had the gift to see life the way I do if it hadn't been for my baby girl. Emma changed every fiber of my being. Losing her made me a different person than I was before. She made me view life and death, birth, pregnancy, motherhood, myself differently. She made me question things I had never thought to question before, enjoy things I had taken for granted and ask for more out of others than I had.
Four years. Saturday will be 4 years since the date of her diagnosis - Tuesday will be her 4th birthday. Last night I sent out an evite for Wy's 4th birthday party. Yesterday I talked with Austin's mom about how it will be the same amount of time that Austin was here. Four years. It has been a long 4 years....