Tuesday, May 21, 2013


You can't see the scars
The marks left from grief
The fear
The anxiety
Waiting for the other shoe to drop
Waiting for the next terrible thing to happen
Trying as hard as you can to 
Just stay positive
Trying as hard as you can to
Remember why you should 
Stay positive
The scars of grief are so much 
Deeper than the skin
Not visible to those
Who have not walked in your steps
They are not red and bleeding
No bandages to cover them
Yet so visible to those who know
Recognized in a look
Seen in the lightness of a markered on balloon
In the dried tears of running mascara
In the joy a small trinket left at the cemetery brings
In the comraderie of being
A mom to an angel
Our scars are not seen with the eye
Quite simply because they
are felt with the heart

Friday, May 10, 2013

Tony Chestnut

Today was Mother's Day at preschool. I went excited to watch my wild and crazy boy, but not expecting much. Last year at the end of the year he would not sing, he would not dance, he just wanted to stand by me. This year he proudly stood smiling with his friends and sang and danced along to "tony chestnut". It brought tears to my eyes to think of how far he has come. How comfortable he is in his environment at school and with his friends and teacher. I sat there with tears welling up realizing once again how lucky we are to have him be a part of our family. With his crazy requests and rude boy questions, with his hugs and kisses and crazy antics. God chose us to be his family. God chose me to be his Mom. After a week like we have had reminding us that we are not in control of our future, our family or our lives it was a wonderful reminder that in His time things work out the way they are supposed to.

Tuesday, May 7, 2013

"Que será, será"

I usually come to my computer to type my feelings.  Let them pour out through my fingertips onto the keys and it makes me feel better.  Today I don't plan on that happening.  We gave this our all.  We put our hearts, our souls, our time and our hope into this situation and it didn't happen.  She was not "meant to be" with our family.  I can't imagine what or who the family is that was chosen for her- but they better be pretty damn special.  Because our family would have cherished and loved her from now until forever.  Our family already had a place for her in our hearts.  In a placement like this where it has been more than 2 months since seeing her face, putting our homestudy in and then having phone interviews, home interviews etc our whole lives are invested.  Our family is invested.  Our hearts are invested.  Our friends are invested.  We have been so blessed to have so many people praying for us and to be honest that is why we didn't keep this a "secret".  As I said in my last post, this is like a pregnancy and being "8 weeks" into this it is like a loss.
When I got the phone call today I was sitting in carpool at school.  I had to get out to go get Anna and Corey - so I couldn't just sit and cry .  But what do you say? What can you say? There is nothing-  I was mad.  I was upset.  I feel like it isn't fair.  I usually never say that because I am well aware of how blessed we are- but after all of this time waiting- 2 months, otherwise known as 8 weeks - 60 days of waiting- I imagine 2 weeks ago when they met the family they chose that they knew then- so why make the rest of us wait?  We will never know.  I am sad for our kids, who knew because they were involved in the process when the workers came to the house, I am sad for my husband who is incredibly accepting and tries not to get too emotionally invested-yet he is a wonderful Daddy and comes by that naturally.  I am sad for my parents and in laws, our sister's who have watched us be so hopeful and had the same hope and now watch us fill with sadness and disappointment.  I am sad for myself- because I am a damn good mom and I want to be able to have another child in my life.  We did all that we could and I guess it just wasn't meant to be.

So where do we go from here - I guess we will just have to wait and see 

Que Sera, Sera,
Whatever will be, will be
The future's not ours, to see

 Thank you for the prayers, the support and the love -
Jeremiah 29:11
For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope.