Saturday, August 15, 2015

Wherever he may be...

Sometimes it hits you like a slap in the face. 
You are in a stride. 
Doing so well and not thinking about what could have been and then ... 
It hits you. 
The only thing I can count it as is grief. 
The should of beens. 
The could of beens. 
Reminders and memories.
Seeing every child his age and wondering how big he would be.
The only difference is as I look around I have an ounce of hope. 
I have an ounce of fear. 
That one of these kids is him. 
After 6 months of healing. 
After 6 months of trying to forget.
Sometimes the sting of what might have been creeps in. 
We are so lucky.
So very blessed. 
So happy with the amazing little hands we have to hold. 
But, every once in awhile that sting catches me off guard. 
I am reminded of where we were last year. 
Where we might have been if things had been different. 
As I kiss the little foreheads of each of my kids tonight, I will send my extra little kiss and prayer Meech....
Wherever he may be. 

Monday, August 10, 2015

Holy water ....

Yesterday we celebrated Sammi's Baptism.
 It was one of the most wonderful moments of my life this far. 
 The experience of carrying her, having her and loving her has been the single most healing part of my life since loss.

  Six years ago as I held Connor in my arms, Father Chris was beside T.J. and I.  He baptized him in front of our friends and family in my hospital room.
 This is .
one memory of Connor that is with me daily.  Something I am so happy we did and thank God for having Father Chris available to come that day.  Father Chris not only came to be with us on this day, but had counseled us throughout my pregnancy with Connor.  He also did the services at both Emma and then Connor's funerals.  He is a very important part of our lives.
When it came time to have Sammi baptized I knew that no one else would understand the significance of the moment as he would. 
So yesterday on a Sunday afternoon, Father Chris stood beside T.J. and I as he baptized our beautiful  healthy baby.
She smiled at each of us as the water was poured over her head. 
This water was not just water that had been blessed, it was the very water and the very bottle that Father Chris baptized Connor with that April day in 2009. 
I cannot even put into words the overwhelming feelings of both joy and sadness this moment brought to me.
This moment of being so thankful and feeling so incredibly blessed to have this miracle in my arms. To have Father Chris share in this moment and to have a very important part of Connor's life now be a part of Sammi's. 
This is a moment I will never forget.  
A connection I will forever be thankful for and someday tell Sammi about.
 What a gift.
 God is so very good.

O great Saint Gerard, beloved servant of Jesus Christ, perfect imitator of your meek and humble Savior, and devoted child of Mother of God, enkindle within my heart one spark of that heavenly fire of charity which glowed in your heart and made you an angel of love. O glorious Saint Gerard, because when falsely accused of crime, you did bear, like your Divine Master, without murmur or complaint, the calumnies of wicked men, you have been raised up by God as the patron and protector of expectant mothers. Preserve me from danger and from the excessive pains accompanying childbirth, and shield the child which I now carry, that it may see the light of day and receive the purifying and life-giving waters of baptism through Jesus Christ our Lord. Amen.