Tuesday, October 21, 2014

9 months - broken hearts

Today my heart broke a little. I realized that our greatest fears in foster care are slowly coming true. After nearly 9 months of love and dedication it seems Baby D is starting into the process of leaving. As we walked away from the courthouse today the tears gushed beyond my control. There is nothing we can do. It is not possible for us to love him anymore than we do. Yet we have no say- no control- nothing. The system has failed his mother. Now we watch as the system has made an already bad situation worse by prolonging this case months beyond necessary. This should have been done in March. Before he called me mommy. Before he loved his daddy.
Before he knew how to get to papa and mama's house.

Before he fell head over heals for Nanny and Wy.
Before he learned Sissy always has a drink to share. Before he stole our hearts.
Before he knew the difference. 
Now after 9 months - nearly half his life he has to be reintroduced to a woman who says she has wanted him all along. A woman who says she cried for months when he left and thinks of him daily. A woman who raised him from birth until he was taken from her at 9 months - and then again until he came into our care. She seems to genuinely love him. She seems intelligent and capable. Like someone who may actually wake and rock him. She says she has submitted her paperwork on numerous occasions and has fallen through the cracks.

As much as I want him forever and I never want to let him go- even as the tears well up in my eyes writing this- I believe her.
The county has been awful to us. Treated us like enemies and lied to get what they want. I can't imagine being on the other side of this system. 
It makes me ill to even begin to think of him leaving. Of trying to help him understand that we love him and want him and we never want to let him go. 
To think of telling my kids that he will leave- even though they have always known, Streams tears down my face. 
We are all in love with him. 
After this long it will be a tremendous heartbreak for our entire family. 
I pray that his Aunt will keep her word and let us be a part of his life. 
I still can't believe these words as I type them- but in order to deal - I need to acknowledge the inevitable is near. 
I will never know God's plan- when we started this I never thought it would end in loss for our family. I can't say I would have done it had I known for sure it would end in heartbreak. 
The poetic injustice of it all as a bablyoss mom is that the big court date next Tuesday will be exactly 9 months to the day that he was placed with us. 
Asking for continued prayers for baby D our family and his Aunt as we all deal with these changes. Visits start tomorrow and he will be reintroduced to the woman who cared for him from birth. 
Prayers - peace- hope and faith that things will work out for the best and the God shows us gently what that is. 

Sunday, October 5, 2014

34 year milestones

I am proud of myself today. 
Early on in this pregnancy I wasn't sure I could shop for this baby. 
The fear of my past realities has scarred me. The thought of having things I can't use (again) is a nightmare- but I am not letting fear overtake my happiness. 
Feeling Sammi move around and seeing her healthy ultrasounds give me the hope I need. Trusting in God and that He has planned her arrival from the very beginning continue to bring me peace. 
Today we registered at Babies R Us. Nine years after the first time we did it. This time Anna held the scanner and we chose things as a family.
It was fun and felt really good to have the great feeling that I will be using the stuff we scanned. 
 Sammi will be getting baths and sleeping in her crib. She will be using bottles and Binkys. I will need burp cloths to clean up baby puke! 
Today was a good day. I have come a long way- the things that may seem like a normal part of pregnancy are never just normal after loss. 
My new normal and 5 1/2 years of healing have lead me to a place I can enjoy my pregnancy. I can enjoy thinking forward and dreaming of the day she is here. 
This pregnancy was a total surprise. God taught us a long time ago we are not in control and life is all in His time. So glad He knew when I would not only be able to handle, but to really appreciate and enjoy pregnancy again.

 I consider today a little milestone in my pregnancy and in my grief. I would pat myself on the back, but Baby kicks beat a pat on the back anyday.