Thursday, July 21, 2016

Had she been able to just be...

some weeks 
some months 
Harder than the years 
before them. 
Things creep into my mind.
Leaving me feeing guilt ridden and grief stricken all in a single bolt. 
Thoughts of how I failed her. 
Thoughts of how I should have been stronger. 
Thoughts on who she would have been, 
Had she been able to just be. 
Eight years ago I was grieving the loss of my daughter. 
Eight years ago I was waiting to just get to the day she should have been born. 
I was crying on her gravestone 
Just as I cry on my couch today. 
Whether it be induction
It doesn't matter how my insurance billed me.
It doesn't matter how the Church viewed me.
I lost my child.
I lost every hope and dream for her.
I lost 19 weeks of my pregnancy that I may have been able to have with her.
Was it from fear?
Was it from shock? 
Was it from lack of information? 
Was it from doctors telling me all of the defects she had and her zero percent chance at life.
From the fact that she had stopped growing and it was only a matter of time before she was gone....

If I had to go back and do it all again would I change my mind
           Hell freaking yes 

I don't often feel bad.
But every once in awhile it plagues me.
The guilt, the regret and the grief play on each other until I feel just about as awful as possible. Like I don't have any of the answers and I could question every move I make. Because if I didn't know then, do I know now?

8 years ago we joked how she would of been born on our anniversary. 
2 years younger than Anna. 
Our little Emma Jean.

I have spent the last 8 years working hard to never regret anything again. Especially anything to do with my children. Emma taught me that. She changed me forever. She made me a better person.

 If only I could know who she was...

Who would she have been, had she been able to just be. 

Friday, June 24, 2016

Adoption day eve ...

Six years ago tonight we were waiting for a dream to come true.

We had finally gotten to the incredible day when Wyatt would officially be ours forever. 
This crazy toddler who waddled his way into our hearts. With his deep little voice and beautiful brown eyes.
To look back at the uncertainty in his eyes is a gift.
It is a reminder of how far he has come. How much he has overcome. He no longer has this look.  He no longer has this fear. For years now he has had a twinkle in his eye that has taken it's place. 
So full of spirit and mischief. 
He feels secure and happy. He has known for a long time he is home. He knows about his life in foster care, but only what I have told him. He knows about his belly mommy, but only what I have told him.
His past is part of who he is. It is part of his story. It is important to him. 

Parenting him has taught us so much.
He has opened our eyes and our hearts and kept us on our toes.
As he gets older and more comfortable with himself it is so cool to see him shine. 
He is smart and funny and puts out endless effort. He is my snuggle buddy.
He is caring and ornery and has a smile who would win anyone over.
 He is my best boy and an incredible brother to both of his sisters.
I am so excited to see the little man he becomes. 

Six years since he became a forever part of our family.

Such an amazing gift from God. 

Happy Adoption Day Super Wy. 

Monday, April 25, 2016

Toilet talk at Target

The media is on fire with toilet talk.

Target has announced that they will still allow transgendered people to use the restroom with which gender they associate.

"In our stores, we demonstrate our commitment to an inclusive experience in many ways. Most relevant for the conversations currently underway, we welcome transgender team members and guests to use the restroom or fitting room facility that corresponds with their gender identity."

People everywhere are freaking out. Boycotting target and calling for changes. 
 I think the most important thing to point out is that it isn't a new thing! This is just reiterating the fact that they have always and continue to stand for inclusivity. 

The title of the article is CONTINUING to Stand for Equality. 

There is no change in the way they are handling the situation, they have always had this stance. 

I have been to Target three times in the last three days. Just normal Target shopping for me. I used the bathroom 3 times too. I made it! My kids even used the bathroom, they are fine too.

Just as every other trip to Target we have made in the past 10 years we used the bathroom and we didn't look at the other people in the stalls next to us close enough to know the gender they were born. We just did our business and went about our day.

When I thought about the outrage against Target I thought about the people who are Transgender who have been using whichever bathroom they want for years. There have been people shopping with you, smiling and saying hello, using the bathroom in the stall next to you- who are and have been transgender - for years! In the big vast scheme of things this has never before had an affect on your life and it will continue to not have an affect on your life.

A good friend of mine posted on Facebook and said -

"A person willing to commit a crime against a woman or child - or anyone for that matter - doesn't care what the sign on the bathroom door says. Just my $0.02 on the matter. "


I have family and friends who will hate this post. I see that. I try and understand how they feel. I realize they have concerns and that they have fears of the unknown. I don't want to discount those concerns. But, I have friends who live this life. Who want the best for their own kids as well. I try to put myself in the other person's shoes in a matter like this and I try to see both sides.

When it comes down to it I think Target was trying to make a statement. I think they wanted to let their employees and customers know they are all inclusive, which I think is awesome. But, in doing that they brought issues upon themselves that were completely unnecessary.

The last I checked there weren't bathroom police anywhere. No one checks your genetalia before entering the bathroom. So even without their new policy those who were living as another gender would still be able to go on just like they have before. The only difference that people fear is that those abusing the policy now have access. (Note that these people would have had the exact same access to any restroom before this as well, still no gender identity checker to go through)

And let us not forget, at Target there is always the family bathroom! Anyone and everyone- usually me and 3 kids - are always welcome. No one gets offended and we can all pee together. The intention of target to make a statement may have been a good one, but sometimes leaving well enough alone is good enough.

Thursday, April 21, 2016

Reality check

When I started thinking about what I was going to write tonight it wasn't good. There wasn't much positive. I am angry. I hate that there are bad people in this world, even worse that these people raise children who are jerks. 
Those who say racism is dead are full of crap. Racism is very much alive. I have had my share of old ladies that I have dealt with, but tonight was the first time my kids have ever dealt with a racist. Even worse- a racist child. 

As the kids came out of a church group tonight they were both visibly upset and wanted tell me about something that happened. 

Wyatt said a boy told him "you look black" - Anna said "he told me when it happened and he was very upset". I told them that is not a bad thing, that is something to be proud of and something to be thankful for. Wyatt said "he said it mean- like it is bad". My heart sank. I wanted to tell him this boy is an ass. I wanted to tell him this kid is being raised by bigots. But, I didn't. 

Anna came in the house and ran to tell TJ that someone offended Wyatt. I was impressed that she even knew how to use the word. She made him a bowl of ice cream and we all talked about what was said. About how people may say things about his skin being different and that our differences are good. (We have had conversations like this many times.)
We talked about how he doesn't understand why someone would be called black, because he is really brown. We talked about how he got his gorgeous skin from his belly mommy. We talked about how as he gets older kids and adults may say things- mean things- and we always want he and Anna to tell us just as they did tonight. 
I talked to the leader of the church class and she was unaware of this happening. I knew the kids hadn't told the adults there and we discussed telling an adult when something happens too. She told me Wyatt and this boy had said a curse word (crap-ironically I used that word earlier in this post) and they had to sit out on a couch. So no one was around them when he said it. She said when he came back he seemed different, but she assumed it was because he had been punished. She said she would talk to the child who said it and that she wasn't surprised. 

My kids don't want to go back. I don't blame them.  

Of all of the feelings I have had tonight the one I will let stand out the most is the feeling of pride. Wyatt told Anna when he was upset about what happened. She then took care of him, kept him feeling safe and told me right away. When I asked her if she was upset by what was said or by how it made Wyatt feel she said how it made him feel. She said not much upsets him (so true) and he was really upset. 
My kids stuck together. They protect each other. They look out for each other. 

Anna will never know the feeling Wyatt felt tonight when he was treated that way, but she will forever empathize with him because she saw his pain. 

After Wyatt fell asleep I talked to to Anna. I said the adults in this boys life are not good people- he hears these things from them. Kids don't just come up with ideas of hate on their own. They are taught these things. It was the first conversation I have had with her about racism. She knows about slavery and Martin Luther King- but kids today are not taught about hate in the present. She understands now. 

Wyatt is still a little too young to get that concept. He just knew it hurt. 

Tonight I am going to pray for my kids who had an awful life experience. 

I am going to pray that the teacher at the church class has a real and honest discussion with this child and his parents. 

I am going to pray for this kid. Because if this is how he treats other children he needs a prayer. 

Most of all I am going to pray for Wy. I am going to pray that he feels pride in who he is and who he will become. I am going to pray that we are able to help him through these situations that we have never had to live through. And I am going to pray that he and Anna are always as close as they are today. 

Thursday, March 10, 2016

Eight years of Healing-

I'm  It is beyond crazy to me to think that it has been eight years since we lost Emma. Eight years since that awful day in the sonography room. Eight years since we went to the hospital with a baby inside of me and left with empty womb and empty arms. 

I have healed an amazing amount since then, but this day still hits me like a bag of rocks to the face. 
Most days it is not on the forefront of my mind. I of course think about Emma and Connor, but thoughts of them are in passing moments. The other day I went to hang clothes in Sam's closet and it hit me. Eight years ago I had baby clothes in that closet. I left them there for over a year in hopes of having someone to wear them. That closet haunted me for years. Then it became a bag of clothes. Which stayed with me for months.  

Then I decided to let it go. Literally and figuratively. I donated everything. I emptied it. 

Since that point Wy and Meech have both had clothes in that closet. They have both slept in that room. But, it was not until yesterday. Really looking and seeing Sam's clothes where the pain of loss once hung. This amazing feeling of triumph.

A feeling of complete blessings from above. Of pride that I survived. The realization of how far I have come since this awful day eight years ago. 
We will never forget the moments of this day. We never want to forget, but are so thankful that the pain has lessened so much. 
It is hard to imagine her as anything but a tiny baby, because she will always be or tiny baby. Each year that passes I think of who she would have been, what she would be like, but she is and will always be
my tiny baby. We will forever love our precious Emma Jean. Happy 8th Heavenly Birthday. We love you sweet girl. 

Sunday, February 14, 2016

Happy 10th Peanut Pie!

It is so hard to believe that our peanut is 10 today! This amazing little human that we created is double digits. 
We could not have asked for a kinder, better mannered, sweeter, happier kid than our little one. She is the best friend, sister and daughter and is always thinking of others. 
She has a great imagination, a zest for life and an awesome infectious giggle. From the moment she was born she has been a ray of sunshine. She is our sunshine baby. Coming before the storms of loss - the gift that kept us going during the hardest moments. 
In the past year she has been through so much and done so much growing up. We are so excited to see the person she becomes. This girl has a heart of gold and makes us proud every single day. 
For her birthday she requested a slideshow and in that slideshow it was very important to her that I include pictures of her hospital stay and the song "fight song". So along with many others, these are a part of her life and her story, so a part of her slideshow. 
So many changes and milestones. Hard to imagine it has been 10 years since she made me a mom. 
Here is to the happiest birthday and an awesome year ahead! We love you Peanut!! 

Happy Birthday Sam...

It is hard to believe a year has passed since you came into our lives. You have brought absolute joy into our home and our hearts every single day since. Your infectious smile and your giggles and babbles make life even better. You are independent and smart and have no problem letting us know what you want. From the moment you were born I knew that you would be a force to be reckoned with, our little stink. You have wisdom in your eyes far beyond your year and surprise me daily with your expressions and actions. 
You are more than a baby, more than our daughter, you are a miracle. A perfect little mix of daddy and mommy with a slowly growing head of red. Your eyes are so blue they sparkle and your teeth are filling up your little mouth so quickly! 
When I think back to last year, to how scared I was for you to make your entrance. To how that fear vanished when I saw your face.  I am so thankful every minute of every day that God gave us you. I have enjoyed every second of watching you become this little person you have this year and I am so excited to see how much you change and grow as you are one. You are the piece of our puzzle that has healed our hearts and made us whole. We love you so much Sam Sammerson. Happy Birthday Baby Girl! 

Thursday, January 14, 2016

Being the best Wy...

As I sat tonight and watched Wyatt breeze through his math homework, ever so often looking at me to smile with pride, it hit me.
I have heard of changes at school and have noticed these things at home, but this is the first time I saw him see the change within himself. As he gazed at me for approval I asked him- "Wy, does life feel a little easier now that you are on medicine?" He smiled and said "yes, it does feel easier". 
It has been 9 days since he started taking a low dose of medicine for ADD. Something I struggled with accepting and seeking medication for. (Please feel free to read my post about this - )     Fearing he would lose his sweetness and amazing personality. Fearing he would be a zombie or not himself. But, he is still the same awesome kid he was, just a whole lot more in control of himself. There are times as a parent we aren't sure of how best to help our children. I wasn't sure this was the answer, but seeing him succeed with such pride helps me know it is more than a step in the right direction. So thankful for his amazing team of teachers at school who love him and take such good care of him. For being honest and open and communicating their concerns and their praises. Thankful for my friends and their honesty about their own children's struggles. For the advice and listening ears. They say it takes a village to raise a child, so happy to be a part of the village we live in! 

Saturday, January 9, 2016

A year of Rainbows....

It is hard to believe it has almost been a year since my little Rainbow was born.  I have read recently how this term "rainbow" can be hurtful to mom's who were unable to have another baby after loss.  I lost my first rainbow, Connor, and I understand that pain.  I also know that having hope and faith in God's plans for our lives has brought me to a place I never even dreamed of being in.  I don't use this term lightly, but with pride and thankfulness. 

"Rainbow Baby - The idea is that the baby is like a rainbow after a storm. "Rainbow Babies" is the understanding that the beauty of a rainbow does not negate the ravages of the storm. When a rainbow appears, it doesn't mean the storm never happened or that the family is not still dealing with its aftermath. What it means is that something beautiful and full of light has appeared in the midst of the darkness and clouds. Storm clouds may still hover but the rainbow provides a counterbalance of color, energy and hope."

 Sam is my rainbow.  I am proud of it and the poor girl will probably hate rainbows by the time she is old enough to have an opinion. But, until then, I am taking every opportunity to shower her in rainbows.  So thankful that my first lost rainbow brought me to Tricia ( Here is an earlier post about how important Tricia and Get the Picture Photography have been in our lives! ) and helped us form a friendship. 

Our baby girl has grown and changed so much over this year.  Such an amazing girl she has become! Funny, always smiling, babbling and working on walking.  A lover of all dogs and Mickey Mouse.  She knows what she wants and has determination and devotion! She brings joy to everyone around her and continues to be a blessing ~every second ~every minute ~ every day....

A year of our Rainbow....
3 Months

6 months
6 months
9 Months
1 year
It is almost your Birthday Sam Sammerson~

We love you baby girl!

We are loving every second of discovering your little personality 

and we are so excited to see who you become!