Thursday, April 14, 2011

Pictures from Connor's 2nd Birthday

Loving You completely

the feel of your skin
against my hand
the realization
of what was really in God's plan
the weight of your body
the length of your toes
praying to hear you cry
learning to let go
wrapping you in a blanket
giving you to some man
watching him walk away with you
leaving me with empty hands
devastatingly dealing
with emotions that were new
living with the realness
that we had lost you
two years later
visiting your grave site
the closest I can get to you
no chance to hold you tight
instead I am here
memories to help me hold on
loving you completely
even though you are gone

Happy Birthday Connor
I love you baby

Happy Birthday Connor

It is here...I have made it. Two years. If you had told me Two years ago that I would be where I am I may not have believed you. Two years ago today I held my son. I changed his clothes. I kissed his face. Today at some point two years ago, my son went from thriving inside of my body to going to be with God. I am not sure when he passed, some time before delivery. I guess that part doesn't really matter now. I have to admit there are a few things I regret not doing. They are so silly, but still, I wish I had bitten his fingernails. I love to bite my babies fingernails and his were so long. I also never changed his diaper, not that he needed it changed, but I would have liked to have had that little memory. I wish I would have had a picture of Anna holding him, but she wasn't ready to do that on that day. I sometimes forget how little she was when we went through these things....she had just turned 3, a baby herself. Those are the few things I wish I had done differently, in the big vast scheme of things they are so remote, but even still I wish I had them!
As for today, I started off the day by going to buy Wyatt a Big Brother shirt since he is Connor's Big Brother. Then I went to get plates and napkins for Connor's party. I chose Cars for him. I figure Wyatt likes cars and our little friend Aiden, who is almost 2, loves Connor would too. Mom and Dad are picking him up a cake and we are heading out to make his Build a Bear in a little while. We are also making our donation to Children's today from Emma and Connor's Snuggle Buddies. We have collected so many toys and blankets for the babies in the NICU. After we drop them off we plan on heading to the cemetery to sing Happy Birthday and decorate Connor's stone. These are the birthday plans in the life of a family who has lost a child....not exactly how we plan to celebrate our child's birth, but so happy we are able to do this as a family. I will post pictures tomorrow of our celebration....

Tuesday, April 12, 2011

For Sarah on her Birthday ....

A few years ago I meant a young girl through our Now I lay me down to sleep photographer, Tricia. Her name is Sarah and she was in High School when she became pregnant with her daughter. She and her boyfriend were so excited to welcome their precious daughter, Lauren, into this world. But, when Sarah went into labor they found that Lauren had passed away. I cannot imagine the emotions she felt losing a child at such a young age. As an adult it is horrible and Sarah was still a child herself. Today is Sarah's Birthday. I couldn't find anything I felt appropriate for her, so I wrote something myself. This is my gift to Sarah, from Lauren.

Happy Birthday from Heaven Mom
I am looking down on you
wishing I could be there
with hugs and kisses too
helping you blow out your candles
filling your heart with love
but here I sit in Heaven
watching you from above
know I love you Mommy
I miss you everyday
I have the best gift though
watching you as I play
I know you want to hold me
and that you miss me too
who would of thought
instead of you watching me grow up
I am watching you

Sunday, April 10, 2011

Connor's week is coming .....

Thinking of the week leading up to Connor's birth I don't remember much. I remember sitting in a church pew the morning of my induction. T.J., myself and many older people. Taking one last chance to pray for my son. To pray for strength, to pray for understanding. I was so scared, not knowing what to expect. Would I deliver him still, would I watch him die? Would I labor for days and end up with a c-section? Would I be okay? Would my family be there? Would we have a chance to baptize him? Would I have pictures of him? Would Anna be able to be with us? I had sat in the same church pew for the last 9 months, watching other pregnant woman come back to church babies in tow. I had a huge round belly and felt kicks and knocks constantly. I had love and affection for this living baby I was carrying. How could I deliver him and give him back to God? That is how pictured it as I carried him in my belly. I was given this gift and this amazing time to love him. To help teach others around me the love of a Mother, to find beauty in imperfection, to find bliss in pain. I had him for a time and I would give him back to God.
As I sat in that pew I did not pray for a miracle. I know many other people had, but I never expected that. God made my son the way he was and he was not meant to live on this Earth. Having the gift of his sisters, both in Heaven and on Earth, had taught me that. I never really expected anything of myself other than to love him. I feared that I would be upset by his defect, or the way that he looked, and that made me feel terrible. So I prayed for strength and to see passed that. I prayed for my mom and dad, for T.J. and for Anna. I prayed that things could go smoothly and that I could have fond memories of this day. I came at this from such a different set of circumstances than all of the other moms I knew living this life. I was just happy to carry Connor. All I ever asked of God was that I could hold my son, have a picture of him and spend time with him. These were things that I never got with Emma. I was happy to be able to plan his funeral ahead of time, to relish in my big stomach and to enjoy my pregnancy. Every prayer I said after Connor's diagnosis came true for me. I never prayed for him to be born alive, I prayed that God help T.J. and I to deal with everything the best we could. We did not have to watch our son die in our arms, because he took his last breath before he entered this world. The miracle at hand was the fact that he was able to survive for 37 weeks inside of my body, with a body that could not survive outside of me. The miracle was that my body and my God helped me to defy my doctor's thoughts and concerns. I not only progressed quickly in my labor, but the delivery my doctor was sure I could not do on my own was so fast he literally had to run down the hall to catch Connor. I was able to deliver my child and hold him in my arms. To have every one of my friends and family around to hold him and love him. He was baptized in my arms and Anna was there with us the whole time. T.J. and I felt the peace that passes understanding that day. We were able to hold it together, by the grace of God.
If I could have written out the way things would go in the situation we were given, this would have been it. The time we spent with him was all I could have ever asked for. Looking back I can see that. Looking back it doesn't sting like it did before, it is different. It is like the more time that passes the grief changes. You start to lose little parts of the memories you had and miss different things.
I miss everything about the person that he would be, everyday. I long for the touch of my beautiful son. I sometimes stare at his pictures just wishing I could feel his skin or to peel his little fingernails. I miss the smell of him, which is fading from the blanket I had him wrapped in and I sometimes physically ache because I want to hold him so bad. The feelings aren't always this strong,but birthdays and Anniversaries bring up the emotions down deep. I am proud that we have made it to where we are and as I think back to this week 2 years ago I can smile knowing that we made it and that Connor is smiling down on us.

Sunday, April 3, 2011

Happy Birthday B -Man

Super Wy....tomorrow you will be 3! You have become such a cool little person over the last year. You are no longer a baby, but a big boy. You are so smart, quick witted and snuggily too. You love your apple juice and your kiki and have watched “b-man” about 300 times. Some days I feel as if I have you figured out and then other days you leave me scratching my head as to how best to handle your “boy-ness”! As all moms do on their children's birthday I can't help but to think back to the day you were born. I was here at our house, deep in grief. It had only been weeks since we had lost Emma and I was still trying to figure out how to live my new normal. I had no idea that across town your birth mother was going to have you. She was at the hospital being prepped for a c-section. I am sure deep down she knew that when she had you she would not see you grow up. The demons within her had caused her to lose her other 3 children, but she took great care of you while you were in her belly. She kept herself healthy and made sure you were as well. As I was grieving the loss of my baby, God was helping your birth mom to make the right decisions to bring you into this world. 3 years ago tomorrow you were brought into this world a wonderful little boy. Big Brown eyes like your birth mom and a gorgeous face. I wish I could hop back in time and see you so tiny...but I wouldn't change how our lives formed together for anything. You are my baby and you always will be! Getting to be your mom is the greatest gift anyone could ask for. You are a wonderful brother (sometimes a bother as Anna says), grandson, cousin, friend and son. You have helped to heal mommy and daddy's hearts with your smile and your crazy ways. You are 100% boy and are teaching me a little more of what that entails everyday. I can't wait to watch you grow and see the person you become!