Tuesday, November 30, 2010

For Austin's Mom....

It has been one month since Austin passed away. I wrote this for his Mom.

So many things she longs for

the sound of his voice

the stomp of his feet

running down the hall

his giggle

his cry

the back and forth of bedtime

the smell of his morning yawn

him waking her each day

she waits for him

maybe he will come

maybe if she checks his room

just one more time

he will be there

this time

playing with his toys

laying with his doopy

watching his movies

so quietly that she just had to make sure

he was still there

no matter how many times

she checks his room

looks out the window

when a car door shuts

he still isn't there

it has been 1 month today

the longest month of this woman's life

she has made it here

without him

she sits and wonders

where this time went

how each hour has melted

into one big nightmare

waiting to wake up

praying this time

he will be there

while knowing in her heart

that he is gone

Monday, November 29, 2010

Big Brown Eyes

I wrote this tonight about our son, Wyatt. He couldn't fall asleep and as I rocked him it kind of flooded my mind.

Big Brown Eyes

I can't help but to think
when I look into your
big brown eyes
of the woman who carried you
the one who gave birth to you
who held you in her arms
who loved you with her whole heart
but made so many wrong choices
I am sure she thinks of you
longs for you
prays for you
I think of her often
as I rock you when you can't sleep
when I yell your first and middle name
about a thousand times a day
fearing you will hurt yourself
if going through with all of your ideas
when I run my fingers through your hair
and see the perfect smile across your face
see I know you are mine
I know you were always meant to be with me
but still somewhere in my heart
I hold a special place for this woman
this woman who was dealt a different life
who has gone on a different path
I may not agree with much of what she has done
but at the end of the day
she made you
so how could I think anything less
of this woman who gave you life

Sunday, November 21, 2010

Thanksgiving week....

Thanksgiving has been a very emotional time for us for the past few years. In 2007 we moved into our new house and soon after found out I was pregnant with Emma. In 2009 we had just had Wyatt officially placed with us days before. Such wonderful things to celebrate and be Thankful for but, the thing that I can't seem to get out of my mind is the year in between. Thanksgiving of 2008.

I was pregnant with Connor. I was about 16 weeks along and the week before I had my quad screen. This is the blood test that shows if you have increased levels that could mean birth defects. I vividly remember the day the blood was drawn. I think I always knew that Connor was sick, but that was the beginning of the end of the false hope for his health. I waited for days for the results to come in. I called every morning and every afternoon, praying that I was wrong. On the night of Thanksgiving I remember staring at my mom's fridge. Right next to each other there was my 7 week ultrasound and my sister's 9 week ultrasound. I looked over and over and I began to cry. I said aloud that my baby's head was smaller than hers. They all looked at me and said I was worrying to much and that my baby would be fine. I ran to the bathroom and sat there and cried for awhile. I pulled myself together and tried to believe them and enjoy the night.

The next day we didn't have many plans. T.J. decided to go golfing (even in the cold) and headed out to the course. The phone rang and I didn't recognize the number. I vaguely remember the conversation that followed: Sarah, This is Dr. Schwartz. I received your results and the baby has tested positive for Trisomy 18 and neural tube defects....this is where I stopped hearing anything. I told him I had to go. I called T.J. who had just stepped onto the 1st hole of the course. I screamed to him on the phone. They baby is going to die...this baby is going to die too. what is wrong with me....why is this happening to us. He said he would be home. Not knowing what else to do I called my mom with the same conversation. I called my good friend and neighbor and asked her to come over. I met her and my mom in the front yard and dropped to my knees and sobbed in their arms. My friend took Anna to her house for a little while, so she did not have to see me this way. T.J. and my Dad were there soon after mom and we sat and cried together.

This is how I remember Thanksgiving. I wish it were different. I wish that I could focus on the wonderful things that have happened this week in history and I will be sure to try and focus on the wonderful things to be thankful for at hand. Most every memory I have involving Connor is so positive. This is my sadness surrounding him. These are the memories, the emotions and the flashes of my life that I can't shake. Sometimes I close my eyes and it is as if I am there again. It is amazing the things your mind retains.

For now I will use this blog as my therapy. Getting the thoughts from the circle in my mind onto "paper" has been the most therapeutic thing I have found. This Thanksgiving we will spend surrounded by the people we love, eating wonderful food and remembering those we have lost. Nothing makes you more Thankful for what you have been given, than knowing what you have lost.

Friday, November 19, 2010

One of those days....

It is one of those days today, when my mind keeps wondering. Today is my brother's 34th birthday. The 33rd birthday that he has spent in Heaven. He died when he was 22 months old. A perfectly healthy toddler one day and a sick dying child the next. I know after all of this time there are so many questions and unanswered “what ifs” that my parents have tried to look past. I know things like Austin dying bring all of their pain to the surface and make everything seem as if it were yesterday. As I think of these things, Mikey, Austin and even my own 2 babies in Heaven, I have a huge question....what happens in Heaven to how we look.

I have spent many years pondering this about Mikey. Since I was about 9 it has actively played in my mind if we would know each other. If I could only count the number of hours I listened to Eric Clapton's “Tears in Heaven” thinking to myself, he will know me. Then I would wonder if he would be the same. Would he always appear to be the cute, toddling child that he left this Earth as? I would imagine you don't age in Heaven, what about the old people that die? So in my 9 year old mind I came up with a plan to help me grieve this loss and to help me deal with my 9 year old emotions. Mikey would stay the same age. This way I could recognize him when the time came. In Heaven he would where the outfits that I had seen him wear in pictures. He would have the toys that I had heard about and still have the smile I had dreamed of. He would know me, because he had watched me from Heaven.

This all seemed to make a lot of sense back then. Now, however, I wonder. If this were the case for all people in Heaven, what would that mean for Emma? She was so small and sickly. A few years ago I came up with a new plan. This one to help my 28 year old mind to grieve and wrap my head around these things. Emma would be a happy chubby 6 month old baby in Heaven. She would be sitting up,playing with toys and keeping all of her great grandparents busy. I may have never seen her on this Earth, but we would know each other as soon as we met in Heaven. I am her mother, so of course she would know me, right?

When we lost Connor I had to come up with yet another plan. I had seen him and held him. I memorized the creases in his hands and the folds in his tiny legs, so how could I make him any different than the perfect angel that I held? Connor in my mind is just as he was. A perfect little full term, squishy baby. His only difference is that he is healthy.

I guess that brings me back to today. I bought a picture from the John Deere store online. I saw it and I couldn't resist. It is a little boy in a John Deere hat with pumpkins and a scarecrow. In my 30 year old mind this is Austin's Heaven. The way I see it the second he left this life he entered into another that was all that he loved here, even better. I guess in a way I am blessed that this grieving process of mine started when I was 9. I have spent more than 2/3's of my life trying to figure out little pieces of Heaven. Maybe the best part of all of this, is that I get to keep these ideas. The only one who could ever prove me wrong is God himself. Someday when I get to Heaven I know there will be a wonderful group of children who I love and long for daily, waiting for me. Maybe they will look different than I have imagined or maybe I am right. Either way at that point I will get to hold and hug them all, so it really won't make a difference will it?

Tuesday, November 2, 2010

In Memory of Austin Lee

Very good friends of ours lost their son tragically on Saturday night. As we prepare to say goodbye to him tomorrow I have been reflecting over his life and how he has impacted my husband, myself and our daughter. He was 6 months younger than Anna and we have always referred to him as her "boyfriend" hoping someday they would be married and we would all be family. Little did we realize that he would bring us even closer in his short life than we could have ever been made through marriage. I am not sure words could ever express how I feel for his family and their loss. This is the best I could do for now....

This Child made an ordinary man and woman

into extraordinary parents

This child made parents into Grandparents

and sisters into Aunts

This child had the gift of laughter

a smile of mischief and a heart of gold

This child knew no stranger

because he made everyone a friend

This child loved life

and spent everyday happy

This child was an old soul

and a farmer in Papaw Rope's garden

This child wore Green

because his mom let him choose

This child made the world to all around him

a better, happier place

This child has left those who love him broken

This child soars above us now

This Child will live on in our hearts forever