Thursday, July 21, 2016

Had she been able to just be...

some weeks 
some months 
Harder than the years 
before them. 
Things creep into my mind.
Leaving me feeing guilt ridden and grief stricken all in a single bolt. 
Thoughts of how I failed her. 
Thoughts of how I should have been stronger. 
Thoughts on who she would have been, 
Had she been able to just be. 
Eight years ago I was grieving the loss of my daughter. 
Eight years ago I was waiting to just get to the day she should have been born. 
I was crying on her gravestone 
Just as I cry on my couch today. 
Whether it be induction
It doesn't matter how my insurance billed me.
It doesn't matter how the Church viewed me.
I lost my child.
I lost every hope and dream for her.
I lost 19 weeks of my pregnancy that I may have been able to have with her.
Was it from fear?
Was it from shock? 
Was it from lack of information? 
Was it from doctors telling me all of the defects she had and her zero percent chance at life.
From the fact that she had stopped growing and it was only a matter of time before she was gone....

If I had to go back and do it all again would I change my mind
           Hell freaking yes 

I don't often feel bad.
But every once in awhile it plagues me.
The guilt, the regret and the grief play on each other until I feel just about as awful as possible. Like I don't have any of the answers and I could question every move I make. Because if I didn't know then, do I know now?

8 years ago we joked how she would of been born on our anniversary. 
2 years younger than Anna. 
Our little Emma Jean.

I have spent the last 8 years working hard to never regret anything again. Especially anything to do with my children. Emma taught me that. She changed me forever. She made me a better person.

 If only I could know who she was...

Who would she have been, had she been able to just be.