Tuesday, July 31, 2012

All things Pink

A few months ago I wrote a post about a woman named Ali.


 Though I have thought of her often,  Of her family and especially her husband and daughter, I never knew these people.  Sometimes when you follow a blog it is almost a surreal feeling.  You can become so involved with this life you read about, yet you are so far removed from it, that it saves you from feeling pain.
 Although aware of this family, knowing their names and seeing there faces from reading the blog Ali's sister has kept for her, I didn't know how "close" to me they were.  For the last 5 years we have been going to storytime at the library.  On and off as the kids have gone through phases we have almost always gone on Tuesdays.  This summer we switched to Mondays.  The first few times we went I didn't notice, but then my sister pointed out the names as we sang the welcome song.  This was Ali's family.  Her sister, her father, her mother and a band of girls in pink sunglasses who I am sure she touched on a level some friends may never understand.  Then there is the little.  Dressed so perfect, hair in place, round little face.  As I sit and round my own up I can't help but feel guilty.  I can't imagine not being here and watching my kids grow.  I get to watch her daughter dance and run into her grandfathers arms in plain sight each week.  I get to see the amazing love that this family has for not only Ali, but for each other.  I never knew Ali in this life, but I like to think that she gets to watch my babies in Heaven.  Maybe there is a storytime each Monday morning and Ali watches as my babies crawl from place to place......maybe she is only an arm length away from my babies as I am from hers. 
 Sometimes life doesn't make sense.  So we have to make a little sense of it...to keep ourselves sane.  Sending so many prayers for Ali's family tonight, knowing her daughter will know who she was through her memory being kept alive and praying that just a little of that love for pink gets to the daughter that is waiting at the gates for me.  

Saturday, July 28, 2012

A very Happy unbirthday

Today is a very bittersweet day for me.  Four years ago this day was Emma's due date.  As much of a healing day it was then it has since become harder, maybe because of regret, maybe because of time, maybe because of life in general.  Regardless of the reason I am posting a link to my first ever blog post.  The reason I started writing again.  The reason I survived and made it through much of what I did.  It was all because of Emma.  This post "the Emma Poems" is my journey with her.  On what of could have been her birthday I am sharing it again...I love you baby girl


Thursday, July 26, 2012

When him was a boy...

Tonight we sat around Grandma's kitchen table and all 5 littles painted canvas.  As the artistic chaos ensued everyone ended up painting in their bare bellies to save their shirts.  Anna sat next to Mom and painted away and after a few coats each my sister took the bears up for a bath.  Anna told my mom how one time she got to where Austin's jammies.  Jammies from "when him was a boy, cause him is an Angel now".  As mom repeated the words to me, so I could enjoy the innocence behind them, both of our eyes filled up with tears.  From when him was a boy.  Such truth behind her comment, no question of anything, just stating a fact really.  From when him was a boy, cause him is an angel now.

Tuesday, July 24, 2012

Eight years....

 Eight years ago today I married a wonderful man.

If you had told me that day the path that would bring us to today I am sure I would have not believed you. 

   I married my best friend.


I married a man who can make me laugh.
  I married a man with such a strong work ethic and pride in what he does.
 I married a man who brings me coffee and flowers.
 I married a man who only hears about 1/3 of what I say!
     I married a man who holds me when I cry
   I married an incredible father.

   I married a man who loved me then.  I married a man who I am pretty sure loves me even more now. 

 If you had told me 8 years ago half of the story of our lives that has unfolded I am sure I would have been awe struck. 
I know when we started out we didn't know what life held for us, we just knew we wanted to be together. 

 God has blessed us with many things. 

So much has changed...so much for the better. ..here is to the next 60 years...

Thursday, July 19, 2012

Saving a World...

I have been following my cousin's blog closely for the past few years and even more this month.  After adopting 4 children from overseas over the past 8 years they are now hosting a child from Eastern Europe for the Summer.  I am so glad that she has her blog to share their journey.  Even though we live relatively close we really don't see much of each other.  Having 4 kids in activities, the youngest one having special needs, seems to keep a busy family life!
Even with that they made the choice to host a 12 year old for a month this summer.  I can't imagine what has gone through this kids mind, but I am guessing it is kind of like when a child goes into a foster home of a family with much more than they are used to.  This boy lives in a home with other boys in the Ukraine.  He has never had a family.  He has never had to follow the rules or the path, the boundaries or the routines that come with it.  It has been 3 weeks now. My cousin has openly expressed the good and the bad and the God that has come with this experience. I have been leaving little comments and praying as I might, but I really think what they are doing is amazing! My husband often tells me I "can't save the world" and I know they have been told the same thing.  But, the truth is in each child who is given a new life, a new experience, a new hope to go on, you are saving their world.
No matter what happens when this little guy leaves to go "home" he will have felt love.  He will know that people are out there that care and that he is not alone in life.  

Here is the link to her latest post.


Tuesday, July 3, 2012

I plan on spelling it out....

Well Today was a day.  It seems my post has sent hell fire flying.  Maybe sometimes I am too blunt.  But, from what I understood that is what blogging was.  Being able to write my feelings and release my fears in print.  I posted a post the other day about my day.  About the things that stood out and the fear my family felt.  I understand that things can be misconstrued and misunderstood.  To be honest I had no idea that some people even read this blog.  The thing about my post was that it wasn't about anyone or anything but the love in my heart for my family and keeping them safe. I didn't conspire with anyone before posting it.  I didn't ask for anyone's permission about how I was feeling.  In fact I write things as I perceive them.  Which has nothing to do with how anyone else may see the situation. 
I have said it before and I will say it a million times over.  There is a different level of love when you have lost someone.  Anyone who has had a significant loss in their lives seems to know this.  Especially those who have lost a child.  There is a different level of emotion in general.  There is a different level of fear.  I am not saying that people love their family less than I do, I am saying that it is on a different level.  There are different emotions that they have never experienced.  When I write I let it flow. I type as it comes to my head and I don't think too far into it.  I am not writing for the New York Times, I am writing for me.
There are very few things in my life that I regret, writing the post at hand will not be one of them.  I am sorry about how personally it was taken, I am sorry about the absolute ridiculousness that came from it...especially at a time that my family is in turmoil.  When this is the last thing we need.
As all of this "crap" was happening Corey was taken back to the hospital.  He was still not doing well and had us very scared.  After some meds and a few hours he should be released tonight.  That should have been our only concern....and to be honest it really was.
As for my blog.  I know many people who have stopped blogging or changed their format.  Not me.  Sometimes life sucks and sometimes life is great.  I plan on spelling it out....

Sunday, July 1, 2012

a little smile and a giggle

This morning I went back to the hospital.  Even though he was a little scared and his back still hurts, there is a huge difference in his eyes.    

I got a few smiles and even a giggle...

 We went to the gift shop and mom got him some army men.

 By the time I left he was playing "grape killers" with his Dad with a big smile and giggles all around....so I can say....
Today my mission was accomplished...now here is looking to tomorrow that he can come home!