Wednesday, May 4, 2011
As I think about this week which leads to Mother's Day, I think about being little. Making cards and projects for my Mother, thinking I would make it the best day ever for her. She always made it seem to be the best day of the year for her. She was happy and sweet and loving ....happy. Now as an adult, as a mother, as a mother who has lost babies, I realize she must have been an amazing actress. As happy as I am to spend the day with Anna and Wyatt, it is still a bittersweet time. It is like a giant reminder that you are not whole. My mom was 27 when she lost my brother. This age may have seemed "old" years ago to me, but now I know how young she was. By the time she was 28 she was spending Mother's Day with her child in Heaven. Of course she had my sister and then later she had me, but she was always without Mikey. I wish I had known when I was little even a tiny bit of what she had felt. Now I know. I would have never imagined having so much in common with my Mom. As much as I have always looked up to her and admired her, I never envisioned having such drastic characteristics in common. Someone told my Mom after Emma died how lucky I was to have a Mother who truly understood my pain. Who actually knew what I was feeling. I am not sure if this is the kind of dumb luck two people are to be dealt, but it has been an amazing comfort to me. My Mom has been a big part of my healing and a huge part of my strength. Not only being there, but leading by example for the 28 years that preceded the loss of my baby. She has taught me most everything I know about being a mother and has been an amazing Grandma to my children. She has been devoted and loving Grandma to all of my babies. She has not changed an ounce of love whether they were only here for a short time, on Earth and with our family. She has loved each of the children we have brought into our family with her whole heart. Even knowing we would say goodbye to Connor and losing "Dillon" after a short time. Love was never something that came in any way but whole heartedly. Because, that is the only way she knows how to love. She has been called Grandma, Granny, Maw maw and more. She has helped to guide my sister and I, and tried to step back when we need to figure things out on our own. We are lucky to have such an incredible person in our lives, a supportive Mom and friend. Through grief, through pain, through joy and happiness, through all that life has brought her, my Mom has always shown strength and poise. I am lucky to be able to have someone I respect and admire to call my Mom.