Saturday, September 28, 2013

"I adopted my brother and I want another"....

Sometimes Anna makes me cry....

Happy tears.  Tears of pride.  Tears of joy.

To know that this little child who is only 7 years old understands.

She understands loss.
She understands Love.
She is fully aware of the things that have happened in her life and she is thankful for them.  

 She is so insightful when it comes to things that we tend to over think. 

As we sit in our classes preparing for foster care and adoption (again) we are told so many of the scary things.  So many of the negative things, realistic, but bad things that can happen.  I feel like even though we are being prepared for the worst we have seen the beauty that can come from it as well.

 After 3 hours of separation and Anxiety classes, learning about grief and loss, in a different way. Five years ago when we took this class I remember the fear.  I was still pregnant with Connor.  Learning about grief while dealing with the impending death of your own child is a daunting experience.

Sitting in this class today I felt a sense of clarity.
Realizing that TJ and I have dealt with loss.
We have dealt with grief.
 We have lived each of these "steps" and will be able to recognize them in our children.

As one of the future foster parents said in class today that she thinks these "mothers" that keep losing their children and having more are nuts I realized.  Although they have demons and they have made bad choices - we have something in common.  When I lost Emma nothing made me feel complete again- the closest I got was carrying Connor.  When  you lose a child- it feels as if you are not complete.  Even though these women have lost their children to their own faults, it is still a loss.  They are still trying to fix something within themselves that is broken.  I think that is why they continue to have children and lose them.  It is sad and a maddening cycle, but it really gave me a little glimpse into where they might be coming from.

I am so glad that God has given me the opportunity to relearn all of this again.  Even though 36 hours of training on beautiful weekend days is not where we would like to is nice to feel like we are really learning something.  If not the same lecture we heard 5 years ago, something about ourselves.
 After I heard the stories today I came home to my babies.  My children who started out in such different ways.  One carried in the womb by a mother who took every precaution possible, who took vitamins and went to doctors appointments.  One was carried by a woman who's choices kept her behind bars most of her pregnancy.  These two children are brother and sister.  They are the very best of friends.  There is nothing more than being together that they ask for.  Now as we wait for our new little child I pray that he has this feeling with them.  That he can love and accept the two of them as they are longing to do for him.  

Nothing makes the wait more worth it than seeing where it can bring you....

Thursday, September 19, 2013

Remembering Rob...

When you grow up in a small tight knit community and you choose to raise your children in the same place ...

Paths cross with some wonderful people you have known as long as you can remember. 
Buhrlage was one of those people in my life. I grew up with him and I was able to know him as the man he grew into. He was a police officer and a very proud man of service. He was someone you could go to for anything and someone that would have given his right arm without question.
Although I have known him most of my life, sitting at the hospital next to him the night Austin passed away is something that is ingrained in my memory. Being in that moment with him and seeing who he was as a friend is something I will never forget.

Watching him cross the finish line at the Flying Pig and seeing him complete that fete in Austin's memory was another testament to his dedication to his friends.

He was a loyal friend and a loving son and brother. Life never ceases to amaze me. 
If one thing brings me a smile on a day like today it is that I know that just as Buhrl carried Aiden across the finish line on Earth he is carrying Austin in Heaven. 

When I talked to Anna about his passing she told me that Emma, Connor and Austin would be very excited because now they can have a police officer at their birthday parties. I am sure he was welcomed with lots of little open arms. 

Sending all of my love and prayers to his family and friends.

Wednesday, September 11, 2013

For my Dad...

Tonight I read my Dad's Facebook post. As he prepares to escort my Uncle on the honor flight in a few days he has been reflecting back on his time in Vietnam.  This post inspired the poem that follows-

Seven of us played
Amongst the trees
In the park
On the street
Seven of us sacrificed
Amongst our brothers
Our fear hiding 
behind our call to serve
Seven of us left
Amongst the fear
Into the jungle
On the seas
Five came back
Amongst the anger
Into the confusion 
On home land
Two names etched 
Amongst thousands who died
Into the granite 
On the wall of heroes

Every time someone thanks a soldier. Holds a parade for a homecoming, posts pictures of soldiers coming home, I am thankful. I am proud of where our country  has come and I pray no one ever feels again the way the heroes coming home from Vietnam felt. I am a Proud daughter of a proud Vietnam Veteran. 

Monday, September 9, 2013

Team B&B

When Love is meant to be
there is a look in your eyes
there is a skip in your step
there is a spark that illuminates you
when love is meant to be
it doesn't seem to matter
how long you have waited
to find your perfect match
because you always knew
they were out there
abiding to complete you 
 it seems that now you have
found one another
it is clear
you were always
meant to be
destined to be
written in the stars
dreamt into reality
 it doesn't seem to matter 
where you go from here
because no matter
where forever leads
you will always be

Sunday, September 8, 2013

Push me away

You can push me away
Even though at one point 
I was the only one there 
You can blame me 
For things that only 
Happened in your mind
You can hold your pain in
And blame everyone 
Else surrounding you
You can create 
Arguments in your head
And put them on me
Use me as your scapegoat
Treat me like the enemy
You can imagine that
I am the reason for your pain
That I am the one 
Who has made things worse 
You can push me away
You can treat me like dirt
You can sit by yourself
Wondering where your 
Support has gone
You can push me away
But don't be surprised 
When you realize 
You were wrong
And you are alone