Sunday, March 13, 2011

Emma's Birthday

We have made a full weekend of Emma's birthday. We went and made an "Emma Bear" at build a bear yesterday. She has 4 hearts (one from each of us) and her sound is each of us saying " I love you Emma". Anna has yet to put her down and loves taking Emma with her everywhere. This morning we went to the Cemetery to decorate her grave and sing happy birthday. We then went and got her cake and balloons. This evening we had people we love surrounding us as we sang to her once again and blew out the candles in her memory. This is the first year we have done this little celebration and I don't think it will be the last! It was so nice to have our loved ones with us to remember her life. As usual in this roller coaster there were disappointments, that were expected, but still sadly received. Just when you think you can put a little faith in some people, it burns you once again. But, this didn't make the night any less wonderful. Just a little better because we appreciated those who did spend it with us even more. here are a few pictures of our Birthday Celebration....

Happy Birthday Emma! We love you!

Thursday, March 10, 2011

as fast as it goes
day to day
week to week
as much as I know
I have healed
there are moments
when it is as if time
has stood still
there are visions
set in my mind
refusing to leave
the snow outside falling
as we found out your fate
it is snowing today
as if time has stood still
taking me back
to 3 years ago
making it all
that much clearer
that much more real

Sunday, March 6, 2011

Three years ago...

Three years ago this weekend, there was a huge snowfall. We had almost a foot of snow and were forced to stay inside. Three years ago this weekend, T.J. and I anxiously awaited our ultrasound the next morning. Wondering if we were having a girl or a boy, awaiting our future. Little did we know when we awoke that Monday morning our lives would forever change. Looking back it is all still so clear. I can see myself lying on that table, knowing something was wrong by the look on the techs face. Having her stare at me in shock when I asked if the baby had a brain, only to look away and leave to get my doctor. I can still hear myself shrieking. Screaming to God "No, No, No". Feel Anna lying on my chest not knowing what was wrong. This day was one of the worst days of my life and the week that followed fell in line with it. A week from today will be Emma's third birthday. It is amazing how not only a date, but a day, can bring such pain. I never got to hold my baby girl, never got to see her, to smell her, to touch her. Over the passed 3 years I have grieved. I have written about my loss, I have cried, I have spent hours at the cemetery and talking to the sky. I have told her how much I love her and kissed her ultrasound picture. I know I have healed a lot. I know I am a better person because of her. But, when the anniversary pops up, it is like you regress back to the person you were and the feelings you felt. Like time has stood still and a part of you hasn't healed at all. We are having a "Birthday Party" for Emma this year. Cake, candles and Princess plates and napkins. Anna is sure that Emma would love Princesses just like she does. Last year I struggled to buy balloons, this year I agreed with Anna. We have made it 3 years without Emma and I know she has taught me more about myself than anyone ever could. She helped me find the strength to carry Connor, the love to be a better Mom and the courage to be a friend to other grieving parents. I am so thankful that I am your Mom, Emma. I love you....

Saturday, March 5, 2011

The baby bed

Well, Wyatt is a big boy. He slept last night in his big boy bed and today T.J. took the crib down. As he was taking it apart he brought up how many times it has gone up and down in this room. It was bought for our home study and set up next to the other crib in T.J.'s office...meant for Emma first and then for Connor. It brought him such sadness to sit and work between these two empty cribs that we took it down soon after our home study was finished. Then when Aidric came we put it back up and he slept in it for awhile and then we had to again take it down. It was a few months before we found out about Wyatt and in that time it sat in the basement storage. Then T.J. put it up again when he came. Now we have been using it happily for the last year and a half. This is the first time he took it down where we had such a great reason, a new big bed! I could still see in his face that the memories it holds made him sad. I had planned on donating it right away, but he wants to keep it for awhile. I know he has no plans of more babies, so I asked him just in case, and I was right. I think it is a sentimental thing. I understand that one, we can keep it for our grandchildren for all I care. It made me a little sad and very proud to watch him take it down today, helping me to remember all that he has been through as well. Sometimes we have to stop and look through our partner's eyes to remember we are not alone in this life of love and loss.