Friday, January 27, 2017


I wrote this 6 1/2 years ago. As the March for Life takes place today I feel it is an important time to share my experience. The heartache that changed me. 

In the past, I can't say I ever took a side on the pro choice/pro life debate. I thought of it as a decision that a woman would come to, that extenuating circumstances would play a major factor in. When I had a child with a fatal birth defect, I didn't even think of myself as someone having to make a “choice” into one of these groups. I remember my mom saying that my Aunt had mentioned it to her, but really didn't even get the concept at the time. It was in the months after that I realized that “termination” is a medical term that lead me into the “pro choice” realm of thinking. When I lost Emma, I never thought of her as “aborted”. She is my child and I love her with all of my heart. T.J. and I made the best decision for ourselves and for Anna. We thought we made the best decision for Emma.

All of the months I grieved for her I sat at the cemetery and looked at the other stones. If only I had thought of the Mothers who lost their children because they didn't stay in their wombs long enough. These babies that came too soon and couldn't be saved. What their mothers wouldn't give to have carried them longer. What I wouldn't give to have carried Emma longer.
I guess there is a turning point in every persons life. A place where they can stop and realize that they have changed. Sitting on a hot Summers day in that cemetery I changed. It was Emma's due date July 28. I had made it to when she should have been here. I was able to heal a little that day and I was able to see things a lot clearer. That was the day I changed my mind on what I thought was a “political issue”.
As I sit here and type this it is the day before Connor's birthday. The night I went into the hospital was one year ago today. I can sit here and think that I did everything for my son to give him as much life as I could. I can look fondly on my time with Connor. I was given such a gift to carry a baby for 9 months who was not able to survive outside of my womb.
 How can anyone not believe in God or in Miracles....without these things what was this experience! I felt every kick and hiccup and helped him to grow into a perfect baby boy. I was able to deliver him, hold him, kiss him, love him and he went to be with our Lord in his own time. I wish every mom faced with a diagnosis like ours could step into my mind for just a few minutes. I wish I could go back 2 years 1 month and a few hours and step into my own mind today. Would I have done things differently? I guess I will never know. One thing I do know is that my life has been forever changed by my two precious babies. I thank God and Emma everyday for the things they have taught me and the strength they gave me to carry Connor. What a gift to be given.

Monday, January 23, 2017

One day left of One...

It is hard to believe that two years ago you were getting ready to make your entrance into this world. I have never been so scared in my entire life. So ready to meet someone. You made quite the long and dramatic way here in your own time and you have kept us on our toes since. What an incredible blessing you are to us!
You are a sweet and sour, naughty and nice, amazing baby and we are all more in love with you now than we were 2 years ago. You are wise beyond your years and act much older than 2, except for the random fits over the wrong cookie or someone else hitting the light switch! 
You are sassy and funny and you love to laugh. You love your nana and Wyatt and love to be with them. You repeat about everything and always use your manners- you have even mastered the puppy eyed "pease" when you really want something! 
You can count to ten, know your colors and your letters and sounds. You love to watch "Ryan" on YouTube and love peppa pig and Mickey. You love playing with potato "heads" and legos "blocks". You like play doh and baby dolls too. You are super fast and can sprint with the big kids. You have excellent balance and can jump and land on 2 feet (Nate Granny says this is a kindergarten milestone). You love to ride your "bike" and chase Brutus all over. You would live on fruit snacks and juice boxes if I let you! You love "toclate" and "pops" too! 
You have a way of making everyone around you smile, even when you are giving them a dirty look for looking at you!  You call yourself "Mimi" or "baby" and love to say "me turn", "mine", "I got it", "thank you mommy", "I go mommy's room", "I go downstairs", "Wuv you", and so much more! 
You are finally starting to give hugs and kisses and talk to people! Just on your own time. You love to dance and sing. You are a pro at wheels on the bus! You have been to Disney World and can't wait to go see "Mickey moush" again soon. You are so full of personality and an independent little thing! We are proud and so thankful that you are ours. I am so excited to see the little person you turn into! 

Sammi Grace.

You are my rainbow.
My miracle
The baby I never thought I could have. 
You are the hope that I had lost.
You are so much more than I ever dreamed.

You are the baby.

You are our baby. 
Sam I am

Sam Sammerson

Sammi Sam

Little Stink

We love you to the moon and back. 
Happy 2nd Birthday, Sam.
Love, mommy