Easter is one of those holidays that changes dates. One year it is in March and the next year it is in April. When you have a day in your grief that is substantial near a holiday that changes dates it takes your grief with it. Connor was born right after Easter. I went to the hospital the Monday following Easter Day. So even though we are 2 weeks from his birthday, Easter is a big day in my grief season.
Easter is about miracles and Christ rising - away from the tomb where he lay lifeless and coming back to save us all. I can't say that I didn't wait for my Easter miracle 4 years ago. I thought if anything - any time- any holiday - any season deserved a miracle it was Easter! But, my miracle did not come back. He stayed with God. It is an odd thing to think about. How God gave his only Son- we did not have that selflessness then nor do we now. We wanted our Connor here with us, we wanted that miracle. But, it didn't happen. I guess I never really expected it to happen,
but what is life
what is pregnancy
what is Easter
Three Easters have come and gone since that day. Since the 13th of April one day after Easter when I went to the hospital with my baby beneath my heart and a few days later left with empty arms. My arms and my heart have been filled with such love, but days like today bring back that twinge of pain. That flicker of grief that has worked itself into a less prominent part of my life.
So I write
that is what I do
this is how I release that grief
this is how I share myself.
thank God I have this outlet
thank you God for your Son
If there was ever one thing that gave me peace through losing Connor it was that I knew that God felt my pain. He had lost his Son too. So on this Easter night I know that my babies are safe in the arms of the One who gave his own.