In its time...

A little more than five years ago I wrote this poem for Emma- 

I miss you
I think about you all of the time
the guilt is getting to me now
I feel bad if I am not thinking of you
I feel bad if I am not sad for a moment
I know I shouldn't
I know it is okay for me to be happy
Your sister and your daddy need me
they need me to be okay
but I feel guilty
I think of things I maybe could of done
what did I do wrong that made you so sick
should I have done something differently
I would, if I only knew
I love you
I want to go back and make things okay
but they aren't
they will never be okay
I know they will get better
I hope I will get better
if I only knew how to get there 

 


To read the raw emotions I felt at the time and to know that I have healed is in itself healing again, I had hope, I still have hope.

  But there is a certain verse that stands out to me in this poem

"but I feel guilty
I think of things I maybe could of done
what did I do wrong that made you so sick
should I have done something differently
I would, if I only knew"
 

Then today I got a letter in the mail.  It was a cc of a letter mailed to my primary care Doc from the geneticist we saw a few weeks ago.  In this letter is and I quote

"Ms. Caito was taking prenatal vitamins with Folic Acid at the time of conceptions so this was not a significant contributing factor in this family.  It appears that everything they could have done to ensure a healthy pregnancy was done."

Seems I had a prayer answered without ever needing an actual answer.  Sometimes prayers aren't unanswered you just need to wait until He is ready to tell you.

He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the human heart; yet no one can fathom what God has done from beginning to end.

Ecclesiastes 3:11