Monday, April 13, 2015

God knows...

Six years ago tonight, we packed and headed to the hospital. It was the first time I had ever been away from Anna and we had no idea what the coming hours would bring. As we arrived in labor and delivery I seemed like every other woman there, but I was nothing like them.
I knew my child would not survive. I knew the kicks I was feeling as they hooked me up to the machines were some of the last moments of his life. I had heard of babies living for hours or months, but I didn't expect that for our son. When I prayed as I labored, I prayed that God would only give us what we could handle. That if He thought we could watch our son die then we wanted him born alive. If He knew us, as we know  He knows his children, and He knew we could not handle that, then let him be born to Heaven. I chose not to have the monitors on to hear his heartbeat as my labor progressed further. I knew it wouldn't help me to know he was in distress. I remember feeling a few kicks in the morning and after my labor started not feeling them anymore. I wasn't sure of his fate, but when he was born I wasn't surprised. TJ and I were in awe of him as he was born. So perfect in every way, except for the defect that took his life.
We knew what could happen, we knew how this would end. When he was born we could see the Nurse looking so hard for a heartbeat- searching for a breath- waiting for a cry.
But, that was not his story, that was not His plan. We cannot explain it as anything other than the peace that passes understanding that got us through that day.
We had family with us and couldn't have asked for more. As I reflect now on this day six years ago I am even more amazed by this perfect healthy baby sleeping beside me. I am so thankful for the ease with which Connor came into this world, for his timing and quickness.
The entire time we waited for Sam to come and through hours of pushing I just thanked God that Connor's was an easy labor and delivery. That he was born at a time of day when everyone could be there to hold him. It was a day we will forever hold in our hearts.
It was the one day on Earth we were able to hold our son in our arms. So many things about his life have made me who I am today. Carrying him was one of the hardest and most rewarding things I have ever done. I can honestly say I do not regret one second of my time with him and I am grateful for the gift of his life.
As we celebrate him tomorrow I thank God for the strength He gave me to give Connor every minute of life that I could. Happy 6th Birthday Connor Thonas.  

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