Saturday, January 31, 2015

1 week

A year ago tonight was the third night Meech spent with us. A week ago tonight  I was in the middle of a long two hours of pushing. Tonight I am sitting watching Golden Girls while watching my perfect baby girl sleep. If I have learned anything in the past 8 years it is that life is all about perspective. 
As I reflect on the past 7 days so many things have been made clearer. I often said when going through losing Meech that I knew God had a plan, I just wish I knew what it was. Now I feel like I can see a little more of the plan he had made for me. The timing of Meech's arrival in our family and the timing of him leaving are not by chance. I believe God sent him to me, for me and for Sammi. I honestly don't know how I would have been able to make it through my pregnancy without the 24 hour happy distraction he brought. He kept me busy. His case kept me distracted. He kept our entire family in a place of happy chaos. The timing of him leaving was no less a coincidence than the time he was here. Nineteen days before Sammi came. I am not sure I would have ever had the strength to make her nursery if I hadn't had the sadness of losing him. Needing his room to change made me want to do her room. We had time to grieve for him and let ourselves heal before Sammi came, but not enough time to be without a baby for long. 
Last Saturday when we left for the hospital it pained me to let TJ put the carseat in. I didn't even want to bring it to the hospital. I wasn't convinced I was leaving with a baby. After the trauma of labor and delivery, my recovery and My fears there was nothing more rewarding than bringing her home. When we walked through the door TJ even commented on how amazing it was to walk through the door with her- to bring her home. We know what a gift this is because the last two times we had babies we walked through those doors empty handed. Broken hearted. I will admit I am more nervous this time than I was as a first time mom. Not fearful of caring for a newborn, but for all of the scary things in life. But, fear is something that comes with loss. I am also grateful and so happy for each little smile and yawn.
Each time she cries and each time she stretches. It's hard to believe that it has only been a week because we feel like we have been loving her forever.
Anna and Wyatt are amazingly helpful and love her so much. She is what we needed. The feeling I had that our family wasn't complete- that feeling that led us back to foster care. The feeling that brought Meech into our life. That incomplete feeling is gone. I knew that we were not meant to be a family of 4. I just didn't know what God had in store for us. All along it was Sammi who was meant to be the final member of our family. Our amazing 5 kids- 2 in Heaven, 1 amazing little boy, and our 2 miracle daughters.
God may not always show us where we are headed, but makes it worth the ride if we keep the faith. 

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