Friday, November 29, 2013

Black Friday

  In late November of 2008 I was pregnant with Connor. I was about 16 weeks along and the week before I had my quad screen. This is the blood test that shows if you have increased levels that could mean birth defects. I vividly remember the day the blood was drawn. I think I always knew that Connor was sick, but that was the beginning of the end of the false hope for his health. I waited for days for the results to come in. I called every morning and every afternoon, praying that I was wrong. On the night of Thanksgiving I remember staring at my mom's fridge. Right next to each other there was my 7 week ultrasound and my sister's 9 week ultrasound. I looked over and over and I began to cry. I said aloud that my baby's head was smaller than hers. They all looked at me and said I was worrying too much and that my baby would be fine. I ran to the bathroom and sat there and cried for awhile. I pulled myself together and tried to believe them and enjoy the night.
 Black Friday of 2008 was a day ingrained in my memory. T.J. decided to go golfing (even in the cold) and headed out to the course. The phone rang and I didn't recognize the number. I vaguely remember the conversation that followed: Sarah, This is Dr. Schwartz. I received your results and the baby has tested positive for Trisomy 18 and neural tube defects....this is where I stopped hearing anything. I told him I had to go. I called T.J. who had just stepped onto the 1st hole of the course. I screamed to him on the phone. They baby is going to die...this baby is going to die too. what is wrong with me....why is this happening to us. He said he would be home. Not knowing what else to do I called my mom with the same conversation. I called my good friend and neighbor and asked her to come over. I met her and my mom in the front yard and dropped to my knees and sobbed in their arms. My friend took Anna to her house for a little while, so she did not have to see me this way. T.J. and my Dad were there soon after mom and we sat and cried together. 
Of all of the days and all of the memories - good and bad- this is one that stays with me. The little memories you can playback like a movie. Black Friday has a whole different meaning here. As time goes on it gets a little less clear, but creeps back in. Thankful for the memories I have written on this blog because it helps me piece it all back together. Thankful for the memories because, happy or sad, they are what we have left of Connor. These are parts of his story, so they are a part of him. 

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