Sunday, November 21, 2010
Thanksgiving has been a very emotional time for us for the past few years. In 2007 we moved into our new house and soon after found out I was pregnant with Emma. In 2009 we had just had Wyatt officially placed with us days before. Such wonderful things to celebrate and be Thankful for but, the thing that I can't seem to get out of my mind is the year in between. Thanksgiving of 2008.
I was pregnant with Connor. I was about 16 weeks along and the week before I had my quad screen. This is the blood test that shows if you have increased levels that could mean birth defects. I vividly remember the day the blood was drawn. I think I always knew that Connor was sick, but that was the beginning of the end of the false hope for his health. I waited for days for the results to come in. I called every morning and every afternoon, praying that I was wrong. On the night of Thanksgiving I remember staring at my mom's fridge. Right next to each other there was my 7 week ultrasound and my sister's 9 week ultrasound. I looked over and over and I began to cry. I said aloud that my baby's head was smaller than hers. They all looked at me and said I was worrying to much and that my baby would be fine. I ran to the bathroom and sat there and cried for awhile. I pulled myself together and tried to believe them and enjoy the night.
The next day we didn't have many plans. T.J. decided to go golfing (even in the cold) and headed out to the course. The phone rang and I didn't recognize the number. I vaguely remember the conversation that followed: Sarah, This is Dr. Schwartz. I received your results and the baby has tested positive for Trisomy 18 and neural tube defects....this is where I stopped hearing anything. I told him I had to go. I called T.J. who had just stepped onto the 1st hole of the course. I screamed to him on the phone. They baby is going to die...this baby is going to die too. what is wrong with me....why is this happening to us. He said he would be home. Not knowing what else to do I called my mom with the same conversation. I called my good friend and neighbor and asked her to come over. I met her and my mom in the front yard and dropped to my knees and sobbed in their arms. My friend took Anna to her house for a little while, so she did not have to see me this way. T.J. and my Dad were there soon after mom and we sat and cried together.
This is how I remember Thanksgiving. I wish it were different. I wish that I could focus on the wonderful things that have happened this week in history and I will be sure to try and focus on the wonderful things to be thankful for at hand. Most every memory I have involving Connor is so positive. This is my sadness surrounding him. These are the memories, the emotions and the flashes of my life that I can't shake. Sometimes I close my eyes and it is as if I am there again. It is amazing the things your mind retains.
For now I will use this blog as my therapy. Getting the thoughts from the circle in my mind onto "paper" has been the most therapeutic thing I have found. This Thanksgiving we will spend surrounded by the people we love, eating wonderful food and remembering those we have lost. Nothing makes you more Thankful for what you have been given, than knowing what you have lost.