One of those days....

It is one of those days today, when my mind keeps wondering. Today is my brother's 34^th birthday. The 33^rd birthday that he has spent in Heaven. He died when he was 22 months old. A perfectly healthy toddler one day and a sick dying child the next. I know after all of this time there are so many questions and unanswered “what ifs” that my parents have tried to look past. I know things like Austin dying bring all of their pain to the surface and make everything seem as if it were yesterday. As I think of these things, Mikey, Austin and even my own 2 babies in Heaven, I have a huge question....what happens in Heaven to how we look.

I have spent many years pondering this about Mikey. Since I was about 9 it has actively played in my mind if we would know each other. If I could only count the number of hours I listened to Eric Clapton's “Tears in Heaven” thinking to myself, he will know me. Then I would wonder if he would be the same. Would he always appear to be the cute, toddling child that he left this Earth as? I would imagine you don't age in Heaven, what about the old people that die? So in my 9 year old mind I came up with a plan to help me grieve this loss and to help me deal with my 9 year old emotions. Mikey would stay the same age. This way I could recognize him when the time came. In Heaven he would where the outfits that I had seen him wear in pictures. He would have the toys that I had heard about and still have the smile I had dreamed of. He would know me, because he had watched me from Heaven.

This all seemed to make a lot of sense back then. Now, however, I wonder. If this were the case for all people in Heaven, what would that mean for Emma? She was so small and sickly. A few years ago I came up with a new plan. This one to help my 28 year old mind to grieve and wrap my head around these things. Emma would be a happy chubby 6 month old baby in Heaven. She would be sitting up,playing with toys and keeping all of her great grandparents busy. I may have never seen her on this Earth, but we would know each other as soon as we met in Heaven. I am her mother, so of course she would know me, right?

When we lost Connor I had to come up with yet another plan. I had seen him and held him. I memorized the creases in his hands and the folds in his tiny legs, so how could I make him any different than the perfect angel that I held? Connor in my mind is just as he was. A perfect little full term, squishy baby. His only difference is that he is healthy.

I guess that brings me back to today. I bought a picture from the John Deere store online. I saw it and I couldn't resist. It is a little boy in a John Deere hat with pumpkins and a scarecrow. In my 30 year old mind this is Austin's Heaven. The way I see it the second he left this life he entered into another that was all that he loved here, even better. I guess in a way I am blessed that this grieving process of mine started when I was 9. I have spent more than 2/3's of my life trying to figure out little pieces of Heaven. Maybe the best part of all of this, is that I get to keep these ideas. The only one who could ever prove me wrong is God himself. Someday when I get to Heaven I know there will be a wonderful group of children who I love and long for daily, waiting for me. Maybe they will look different than I have imagined or maybe I am right. Either way at that point I will get to hold and hug them all, so it really won't make a difference will it?