Gotcha

Three years ago today.....

It became official.  Everything having to do with the worrying, the county and the fear was gone.  He was official.  He was officially ours.  Now looking back it never felt any other way, but having the fear be over was amazing.  I have forgotten Gotcha day in the past few years.  It has come and gone and we haven't made a big deal of it.  But now, thanks to the Disney channel and "Jesse" it is the coolest thing in the world that our family has a gotcha day- just like "Zuri".  With Wyatt we have always felt like a family.  He had 6 months in our home, in our family before it was official.  Even though we "gotcha"ed him in December it was "official" on June 25, 2010.  

So today we will celebrate! We got a cookie cake and we are going swimming at grandma's with his friends and family.  He even gets to share Gotcha day with his new "big baby girl" - Zahara.  She will be officially adopted this afternoon. 

So Happy Gotcha Day Wyatt!

You have taught us more in the past 3 years about love and parenting than we ever imagined we could learn.  You are smart and funny and ornery and crazy.  You bring out the best (and sometimes the worst:) in those around you and have filled a huge spot in our hearts and in our home.  Looking back we know we can get to this place again...since all you keep asking for is a brother with Corly hair like yours....Mommy is working on it buddy.  Mommy is working on it. 


Here is the video Uncle Brian made- a little of our Journey

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7jJePv8ScmA

Happy Birthday Syd the kid

Today is a very special day.  Today Syd turns 4.  It is hard to believe she is 4 years old now.  It is hard to imagine life before her.  I am so thankful for the relationship I have with her and how she has helped me to move forward.  Being born into a family who was still struck with such grief only 6 weeks after losing Connor.  She had some big shoes to fill. She has not only filled them, but overflowed them.  She has brought joy and orneriness from the moment we met her.  At 4 years old she is gutsy one minute and scared to death of a fly the next.  She will hug you and love you and smack you in the same breath.  She is smart and funny and finally one of my sister's kids who has a fun little speech "twang". I am so lucky to have such an awesome little person in my life- and even more lucky to have her in a daily dose!  As I looked back at a blog I wrote 2 years ago I realized I said much of what I feel about her then...so I am going to post a few of my favorite pics and the link back to that post.

Happy Birthday Syd The Kid~

http://emmandconnorpoems.blogspot.com/2011/06/sydney-lou-who.html

4 years

Sometimes when you hear someone's story and realize what they have been through you might ask, Where was God? I have to admit that before I was able to be a part of one of these stories I felt the same way.  But now, 4 years later, looking back on one little man's story I know God was always there.
Today Aidric aka "bug" turns 4.  When his belly Mom was pregnant with him, chances are she would have never had prenatal care.  But, she was incarcerated shortly after she became pregnant- which means Aidric had full prenatal care.  If she hadn't been incarcerated and had the prenatal care they would have probably never found his defect, PUV, which can be fatal.  Because of the testing and finding out that he had this defect he was delivered 4 weeks early.  He had surgery to repair his valves and spent the first month of his life in the NICU at Columbus Children's.  In his time there although he did not have any family to see him God provided nurses that loved him like their own.  This is when we came in.  Only a few months after losing Connor.  A few weeks after our home study was official. The first phone call we got.  It wasn't even from our social worker, but from the assessor who did our homestudy.  She knew this baby was for us.  Tj wasn't so sure.  He was scared. I was scared- but I knew we needed him.  So, the next week we spent 3 days traveling back and forth to take the steps to get him out of the NICU.  Three days of training, feeding and necessary paperwork.  The night we brought him home was a bittersweet night.  Having a baby boy- not the one I had given birth to- yet a baby who did not have a mama to care for him.  Here we were in this situation neither of us had chosen and God seemed to know we needed each other.  We loved this boy from the moment we met him.  He taught our family even more about love, about trust and about dedication.  In the 3 weeks he was with us.  He was ours.  Then the time came for the appointments at Children's.  The testing- the awful results about kidney failure and cathing every three hours.  The scary statistics and the opposite of all we were planning on hearing.  This was a point when I thought - where is God!? But then, when the thoughts settled and we talked and prayed and realized that we were not able to be the best family for bug.  Then I received the phone call that they had found a family.  A mother in nursing school, who was comfortable and capable of things I couldn't bring myself to live through so soon after Connor.  Within a week he was with his new family.  His forever family.  A family who has become like a little extension of our family.  In 4 years God has seen this little guy through some major hurtles and sent him onto the paths to get him where he is today.  Where he belongs- home.  He is a smart, strong willed, sensitive little thing.  He loves choo choos and playing outside and has even been able to start swimming.  He has had the medical care and the love to help heal his kidneys to a wonderful place and he is thriving medically, socially and as a little kid in general! I am so blessed to have him be a part of my life.  To know that this little one who helped my heart heal has ended up right where God had meant him to be all along.  Happy Birthday Bug-

Perfectly New-

In the grief community there is a camaraderie that comes with the pain.  A feeling of immediate connection when you know someone has lived through what you have lived through.  When you lose a baby you don't get to feel that connection with other moms at school, no little league teams, no playdates- this is what we have.  A few words, a few pictures and a feeling of pride when we are able to "share" our babies. 
Recently I have become a part of a a group of parents from Ohio who are local leaders for a film coming out called Return to Zero.  It is about a stillbirth and the life of the parents following it.  There are not any movies out there about things like this.  This is the one that all of us in the baby loss community are hoping will break the silence and the stigma that comes along with loss, especially the loss of a newborn. 

In this new group on facebook I shared a picture of Connor.  It is one of my favorite pictures.  It was on the prayer cards at his funeral. It is framed larger than life in my family room.  It is a gift from our dear friend Tricia and the amazing time she spent volunteering for NILMDTS.  In all of the times I have stared at this picture. In all of the times I have shared this picture I realized I have never shared the story behind it. 

When I was pregnant with Connor my mother in law bought me a bracelet.  It was a silver charm bracelet with three little profiles with names on them.  Anna, Emma and Connor.  I wore the bracelet everyday from Christmas until April.  I loved to see the names of my babies and I was so happy to be able to see Connor's name before he was born.  Days before I was to be induced I looked down at my bracelet and I saw Emma and Anna - scratched up from wear, but Connor was gone.  I was immediately a mess.  I knew this was a "sign".  I was sick with worry and sick with sadness that I had lost it.  Much like the superhero he is, TJ saved the day and as soon as I told him it was gone he went to Things Remembered and had another one made.  He was able to replace the little Connor charm by the time I went to the hospital.  The day that Connor was born, Tricia was there to take pictures.  I will never forget the way she was in that room.  She was calm, cool and in control.  She loved our baby like she loves on all of the babies in her presence.  She took pictures of our family and friends and then she saw my bracelet.  She asked if she could use it for a picture and of course I said yes.  She placed it in his hands - and that is the photo I cherish.  As she took it TJ realized that if I hadn't lost the original, if we hadn't replaced it with a brand new one, the photo would have never turned out so well.  The old one was scratched and faded and this one was perfectly new- just like Connor.  

Scars

You can't see the scars

The marks left from grief

The fear

The anxiety

Waiting for the other shoe to drop

Waiting for the next terrible thing to happen

Trying as hard as you can to 

Just stay positive

Trying as hard as you can to

Remember why you should 

Stay positive

The scars of grief are so much 

Deeper than the skin

Not visible to those

Who have not walked in your steps

They are not red and bleeding

No bandages to cover them

Yet so visible to those who know

Recognized in a look

Seen in the lightness of a markered on balloon

In the dried tears of running mascara

In the joy a small trinket left at the cemetery brings

In the comraderie of being

A mom to an angel

Our scars are not seen with the eye

Quite simply because they

are felt with the heart

Tony Chestnut

Today was Mother's Day at preschool. I went excited to watch my wild and crazy boy, but not expecting much. Last year at the end of the year he would not sing, he would not dance, he just wanted to stand by me. This year he proudly stood smiling with his friends and sang and danced along to "tony chestnut". It brought tears to my eyes to think of how far he has come. How comfortable he is in his environment at school and with his friends and teacher. I sat there with tears welling up realizing once again how lucky we are to have him be a part of our family. With his crazy requests and rude boy questions, with his hugs and kisses and crazy antics. God chose us to be his family. God chose me to be his Mom. After a week like we have had reminding us that we are not in control of our future, our family or our lives it was a wonderful reminder that in His time things work out the way they are supposed to.

"Que será, será"

I usually come to my computer to type my feelings.  Let them pour out through my fingertips onto the keys and it makes me feel better.  Today I don't plan on that happening.  We gave this our all.  We put our hearts, our souls, our time and our hope into this situation and it didn't happen.  She was not "meant to be" with our family.  I can't imagine what or who the family is that was chosen for her- but they better be pretty damn special.  Because our family would have cherished and loved her from now until forever.  Our family already had a place for her in our hearts.  In a placement like this where it has been more than 2 months since seeing her face, putting our homestudy in and then having phone interviews, home interviews etc our whole lives are invested.  Our family is invested.  Our hearts are invested.  Our friends are invested.  We have been so blessed to have so many people praying for us and to be honest that is why we didn't keep this a "secret".  As I said in my last post, this is like a pregnancy and being "8 weeks" into this it is like a loss.
When I got the phone call today I was sitting in carpool at school.  I had to get out to go get Anna and Corey - so I couldn't just sit and cry .  But what do you say? What can you say? There is nothing-  I was mad.  I was upset.  I feel like it isn't fair.  I usually never say that because I am well aware of how blessed we are- but after all of this time waiting- 2 months, otherwise known as 8 weeks - 60 days of waiting- I imagine 2 weeks ago when they met the family they chose that they knew then- so why make the rest of us wait?  We will never know.  I am sad for our kids, who knew because they were involved in the process when the workers came to the house, I am sad for my husband who is incredibly accepting and tries not to get too emotionally invested-yet he is a wonderful Daddy and comes by that naturally.  I am sad for my parents and in laws, our sister's who have watched us be so hopeful and had the same hope and now watch us fill with sadness and disappointment.  I am sad for myself- because I am a damn good mom and I want to be able to have another child in my life.  We did all that we could and I guess it just wasn't meant to be.

So where do we go from here - I guess we will just have to wait and see 

Que Sera, Sera,
Whatever will be, will be
The future's not ours, to see

 Thank you for the prayers, the support and the love -
 
Jeremiah 29:11

For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope.