Worth the Wait

When we entered onto this path that is parenthood.  We never thought we would be this far from where we "assumed" it would take us.  We had Anna and then we would have another child- and another -and another in my mind.  But, God had different plans after he blessed us with Anna. 

 There was a different road he sent us down that was filled with heartache and pain, but that brought us to an understanding that we weren't in control. 

We do not always get to make the decisions.  Sometimes we need to let go and let God.

 

After losing Emma and Connor and then having Bug leave, we were heartbroken. 

Then I "found" Wy by chance and looking back I know it was all in God's plan

That is a sweet story and all- but how I wish I knew what his plan was now! This road has taken us so far off of the detour I feel like I can't even see where we are going.  We went from getting Wyatt so easily to spending a year now trying to just find an adoptive placement.  We came so close with Skylah, but her path in her life seems it was meant to go somewhere else as well.  Since that point we have continued to look, with no avail.  And now we have started back on the path we took to find Bug and to find Wy.

 We are 5 classes into the coursework to be foster parents again.  We are hoping to foster to adopt a little boy.  As I buy all of the stuff to turn a tinker bell room into Monster's INC I realize I am once again creating a space for someone I don't know.  Someone who is more than likely on this Earth with us now.  In this State.  In this City. 

Last night as I layed in bed and said my prayers I prayed for this child.  

 Because I know for him to get to us - what he is going through now is awful.  I think of the things Wyatt lived through. I think of the things our future son is going through. 

The only thing that brings me Peace is that this is all in God's plan- so God watched Wy before we could and he is watching this boy too.  

Sometimes the paths we walk to get to where we are meant to be are not easy, but with God all things are possible. 


So I will keep saying my prayers, keep redecorating my rooms, keep dragging TJ to classes and keep telling the kids what "foster" means and how we will love our "foster brother" like he is ours and pray that it ends that way.  I will keep my fingers crossed and my clearance shopping from sizes 3 months to 3 years.  

We have done this before and we can do it again.  Because we know from experience it is all more than worth the wait in the end. 

4 years

Sometimes when you hear someone's story and realize what they have been through you might ask, Where was God? I have to admit that before I was able to be a part of one of these stories I felt the same way.  But now, 4 years later, looking back on one little man's story I know God was always there.
Today Aidric aka "bug" turns 4.  When his belly Mom was pregnant with him, chances are she would have never had prenatal care.  But, she was incarcerated shortly after she became pregnant- which means Aidric had full prenatal care.  If she hadn't been incarcerated and had the prenatal care they would have probably never found his defect, PUV, which can be fatal.  Because of the testing and finding out that he had this defect he was delivered 4 weeks early.  He had surgery to repair his valves and spent the first month of his life in the NICU at Columbus Children's.  In his time there although he did not have any family to see him God provided nurses that loved him like their own.  This is when we came in.  Only a few months after losing Connor.  A few weeks after our home study was official. The first phone call we got.  It wasn't even from our social worker, but from the assessor who did our homestudy.  She knew this baby was for us.  Tj wasn't so sure.  He was scared. I was scared- but I knew we needed him.  So, the next week we spent 3 days traveling back and forth to take the steps to get him out of the NICU.  Three days of training, feeding and necessary paperwork.  The night we brought him home was a bittersweet night.  Having a baby boy- not the one I had given birth to- yet a baby who did not have a mama to care for him.  Here we were in this situation neither of us had chosen and God seemed to know we needed each other.  We loved this boy from the moment we met him.  He taught our family even more about love, about trust and about dedication.  In the 3 weeks he was with us.  He was ours.  Then the time came for the appointments at Children's.  The testing- the awful results about kidney failure and cathing every three hours.  The scary statistics and the opposite of all we were planning on hearing.  This was a point when I thought - where is God!? But then, when the thoughts settled and we talked and prayed and realized that we were not able to be the best family for bug.  Then I received the phone call that they had found a family.  A mother in nursing school, who was comfortable and capable of things I couldn't bring myself to live through so soon after Connor.  Within a week he was with his new family.  His forever family.  A family who has become like a little extension of our family.  In 4 years God has seen this little guy through some major hurtles and sent him onto the paths to get him where he is today.  Where he belongs- home.  He is a smart, strong willed, sensitive little thing.  He loves choo choos and playing outside and has even been able to start swimming.  He has had the medical care and the love to help heal his kidneys to a wonderful place and he is thriving medically, socially and as a little kid in general! I am so blessed to have him be a part of my life.  To know that this little one who helped my heart heal has ended up right where God had meant him to be all along.  Happy Birthday Bug-

Bug

On Sunday our "Bug" will be 2 years old. It is hard to believe that it was only 2 years ago that we met him. Two years ago that I made so many phone calls for days on end. Two years ago that we made the trips to the NICU in Columbus to meet him and bring him home. Sometimes when I think about the reality of it all I must have been nuts! I know T.J. never thought it was a great idea. He thought it was too soon. Looking back he was so right! I had just carried, given birth and lost Connor a few months before. I still believe that God gave me the strength to take Bug. The desire to have a son was a big part of it, knowing that he was an infant was huge, knowing that he was legal risk, knowing that he had a few problems that were going to be fine. I am not sure what exactly I thought, how exactly I talked T.J. into this huge life changing event so shortly after our last life changing event. I still remember holding him for the first time. Feeling him breathe. Seeing the babies around him in the NICU that were so sick and fragile. I immediately loved him. Bringing him home was so much harder than I expected. Everything that was meant for Connor was now Bug's. Clothing passed down, cribs, swings. The reality made me physically ill when we walked in the door. Over a few hours all of this changed. He was home and he was a part of our family. Being able to spend a month (though it seemed so much longer) with him and Anna was amazing. T.J. and I still talk about how little that boy slept. I think maybe 2 hours a night for the entire time he was with us! WE were able to spend every hour together and share Bug with our families and friends. He was showered with love and gifts from everyone we knew. We spent days at Grandma's enjoying the sun and evenings snuggling and getting to know each other. It wasn't until I spent days at the hospital for testing and procedures and his Nephrology appointment that our world came crashing down. That was when we found out his kidneys were not good. That is when they told us that he needed to be cathed every 3 hours for life. He would probably need a kidney transplant in his childhood. That is when the reality once again set in. No one saw this coming. This was one of the hardest choices I have ever made. I am a woman who had induced a dying baby at 21 weeks and a woman who carried a dying baby to term. I had made awful choices before. Choices that did not have the end I wanted no matter what I chose. I was lost. How could I do this to my family, to myself. How could we even begin to think about this. T.J. had just lost one son and now were might lose another. I knew in my heart what we had to do. I knew it was purely selfish if I kept him with us. I would have done it because I was afraid to lose him. But, I knew for Anna and for T.J. and deep down, for myself, that we couldn't. The doctors appointments, the tests, the medical needs he now had. He was not going to just need antibiotics anymore. He might need an organ transplant. He needed a family who was able to care for his needs better than we were. I have turned to God many times in my life. This time I actually fell to my knees and asked Him what I should do. How could I possibly make this choice? How could I ever let him go? This is one of those times when you see God's answers in His actions. When we made our decision there was no one to take him. Our adoption worker put his paperwork in and we were afraid with his needs it would take awhile. We were willing to keep him until they found a great home. But, how could any home be as great as ours? We were his family, this was his home! Then we got the call. They had found someone. A young family who was not only able, but eager and excited, to take Bug. Mom was in nursing school, they had other kids with special needs. Within days I had set up our first meeting myself. I knew immediately that this was his family. I saw the love in his Mother's eyes from the second she held him. I asked her to go to his next doctors appointment with us the next day and then we had our last weekend as a family. Monday morning he was gone. I wasn't sure what to expect. His mom and dad told me they would keep in touch, but you really never know. We were able to see him again the next month at his sister's adoption party and have since been able to be a part of his life. Anna and I have not only been able to watch him grow, but we were there to watch his adoption become official last Fall. We are able to be a part of his life and he is still a huge part of our family, as is his family who we have grown to love as much as we love Bug. This little boy has had quite a life in the last 2 years. He is growing into a smart little boy with a fabulous smile and a huge heart of gold. I am so blessed that he stepped into my life. I am so happy that even though it seemed hard at the time, that he has made the imprint on my heart that he has. As of his latest appointments, his kidney's are improving! Something the doctor is stumped by, because it isn't possible, but his Mother told the doctor that all is possible with Prayer. Every time he gets a little better, every choice someone has made to get him where he is today, all of this is just a little reason why I pray. God's love can be shown anywhere, here in a little boy who spent his mother's pregnancy in jail and was born with no one to visit him in the NICU. He is an inspiration to me and to my family. He has shown us that love has no color and that God does have a plan, even if we don't understand it right away. Here is to a year of love and laughter for this amazing boy we love so much! Happy Birthday Bug!

The fantastic Seven

As I am sitting here with my mind rolling, so excited for Disney I could jump up and down. I can't help but to think about where we have come from to get to this point of celebration. This brings me to my official "blog thought" for tonight. Aidric. Dillon. justin. Ace. This boy has had a few names in the past two years. Aidric is the official one. his mom and I recently talked about Disney world while our girls danced ballet in front of us. She told me about a hotel near Disney that has handicap accessible pools and everything available for a family like theirs. I wish I could find a way to help them get there!! I am not sure if I have talked about Aidric's family before, but now I am inclined to do so.
When you see his parents they look like nice normal, young people. But, they are so much more than that! His parents are quite a few years younger than T.J. and I. They have chosen a life like no one else I have ever met and they embrace every second of it. I have yet to tell one person about them without hearing, I could never do that. Yet, they do that! They have 5 children all 3 and under. Three of them are adopted and 2 are waiting for finalization. (fingers crossed on one).

To start to tell their story I will start of with Elijah. When he was born he was deprived of oxygen for too long. His birth mother knew that she could not care for him. When Elijah was just an infant his parents stepped in to care for him. He has most every need I have been aware of, a trach, a g-tube, a wheel chair, he has seizures, he is non verbal, he is immobile, yet if you hear his parents talk about him, see his parents care for him, watch how he is able to live life, you would not know. He has been taken from a life where he probably would have sat in a group home and he was the first child of a couple in their early twenties. A couple who chose this child to love. Elijah is now 3 years old. This is longer than they ever told his parents he would live. Every time he opens his eyes, arches his back or moves a little further out of his chair it is a moment that they weren't promised. He has not only opened my heart, but he has shown my children that all kids are the same. He is just Elijah to them, chair and all!

Next I will talk about Kimora. I could go on forever about her. She is smart, sweet, kind, funny, and she always calls me "Sarah Caito". "Sarah Caito, am I coming to your house". I love to hear her sweet voice. In the past 2 years she has become one of Anna's closest friends. How God has brought our families together still amazes me. Kimora is 3 like her brother. She is a beautiful little girl and a joy to be around. Her birth familiy had many problems and she went into foster care at the age of 14 months....with her parents. Her adoption was finalized shortly after we met her and we couldn't be happier for her. She is thriving in a wonderful home and I am so excited to see who she turns out to be.

Now onto Aidric, the whole reason why we even know about this wonderful family! Aidric was our foster son. We brought him home from the NICU, gave him his first bath, we were his first family. When we found out about the extent of his medical needs we were heartbroken. We knew we would not be the best place for him and I literally handed him up to God and prayed he knew what was best for him. I can honestly say this prayer was answered completely . The first time I met his parents I felt it. The first time his mom held him and looked into his eyes I knew it. He is where he was meant to be all along. It just so happened when he was originally placed his family couldn't have taken him. I think that was all a part of the plan. He was officially adopted last fall and he continues to amaze me. He has even stumped his kidney doctors with his kidney function. He is doing so well and is a smart little man. He is a momma's boy as well, which is so neat to see his bond with his mother. Even better, I still get to be a part of his life! Anna is and Wyatt as well. This little extended family we have created is more than I would have ever imagined our relationship could have been.

Gideon is next. I am pretty sure there has never been a sweeter baby. He has many significant needs as his older brother. A feeding tube, numerous corrective surgeries and Pierre Robin syndrome. He is thriving as well though. He just turned 1 in March and he is crawling, babbling, smiling and is so snuggliy. His future is still up in the air. I keep praying the God and the powers that be realize that he is in the best place that he could be and his adoption comes quickly.

The newest addition to the family is Manny. The spitfire! He is almost 3 and his story is a long one. He was born with multiple defects. This included heart defects that were fixed by two heart surgeries. His dad told me he spent 16 months in a hospital strapped to a bed because he could not move in fear of his heart. He is also deaf, has a feeding tube and a few other things. He is a beautiful little boy. Sweet and active, scared out of his mind of dogs! He has played and interacted with everyone from the moment we met him. There was a long process for him to become a part of his family. Many other families wanted him. But, in the end he is where he too belongs! His adoption will be finalized in October.

So, that makes the fantastic 7. A family made up of different races, colors, creeds, needs and nothing is ever seen but love. I have learned so much about love from this family and each of these children. I am so happy that my kids will grow up learning this love as well. I hear so many negative things about foster care and Domestic adoption. This is a story that should inspire. This is a story worth sharing. This is only a small part of it. Maybe someday I can talk them into writing a book. I know I would read it in a heartbeat!

My Mother's Day....

As I was laying in bed last night I was thinking about being a Mother. When I think about it, I am just that, a Mother. I am so lucky to have my full time "job" be doing what I love most. As I thought about all of the women I know who have struggled to become mother's, those who have still not been able to feel the joy that Motherhood brings, I thought of how lucky I am! In the blogger world there are many different titles and names given for each thing you may be talking about. There are AP's for Adoptive Parent and TTC for trying to conceive, CTT for carrying to term, and many more. I realized I have fit many different "titles" in my motherhood. I am a Mom, first and foremost, but I am a biological mother, an adoptive mother, a foster mother, a mother who has carried to term, and a mommy of 2 angels. My children run the gamut of about all there is to offer! Who would have ever thought that I would have this life, who would have ever thought that I could be so blessed. To know that love. The love of all of my children. I know that life has brought me to this place and helped me to appreciate everything I have been given. Two days ago I was able to spend the afternoon with my "foster" son. The baby I believed was going to be mine not long ago. God had different plans for him than I did. And even though at the time I didn't understand them, I do now. There couldn't be a better place on this Earth for him. We are so happy that we can still be a part of his life. I am so lucky that I not only get to watch him grow, but that I consider his mother a dear friend and Anna feels the same way about his sister!
This year on Mother's Day I hope all of the Mothers out there are able to enjoy a little time with the ones they love. For those who aren't able to hold their children, who visit the cemetery instead, I pray they are brought a little peace on this day. As for me I will do both. As I write this I have a dramatically calling 5 year old who "needs me" and a spunky little 3 year old who came down just to give me a kiss, I will take them with me to visit their sibling's headstones. What a blessed life.

All in God's Plans....

About 15 months ago T.J., Anna and I welcomed a baby into our home, our lives and our hearts. T.J. and I spent 3 days at the Columbus Children's NICU getting to know him and learning his meds until we were able to bring him home. In the first few weeks that he was with us we went to many appointments at children's cincinnati and spent much time snuggling, eating and getting used to being a family of 4. Our plan was to eventually adopt this wonderful little man. When we found out that he has significant medical needs that we were not able to care for we were devastated. Here we had come to love this child and he had been a part of our lives for a month. How were we supposed to make a choice to try and care for him, not knowing his life expectancy or how fragile he was, or to find a new family for him. Could we do this to ourselves just months after losing Connor and what about Anna, she had already been through so much. After much praying and many tears we decided we would wait until a good family for him was found and he would go on to a new placement. It was only a few days later I received a call from our adoption worker that they had found a placement. From the first phone call I had with his mom, Katie, I knew it was going to be okay. Within a day his new family was at our house to meet him, his sister, his Dad, his mom and he had another big brother at home. They decided to call him Aidric. The next couple of days were hard for us, knowing he would leave soon, but knowing where he was going was the best feeling. His mom is in school to be a nurse, his grandmother is a nurse and his brother has a wonderful nurse of his own! The day that Aidric went "home" was a bittersweet day for all of us. We knew that it was best for him, but we were so sad to say goodbye. Katie had said she would keep in touch, but you never know how things will end up. Lucky for us Aidric and his entire family are now a very big part of our lives. We are able to see him often and I call to check on him as well. I consider myself so lucky to have found friends in his mom and in his family's nurse, Misty. When I look back over the past couple of years, at the time I tried to figure out why all of these things were happening. Now I know, God knew what he was doing. He knew that Aidric needed the family he has and that we would find Wyatt. All of these things just fell right into place in their time. This Friday we will be at the courthouse to see Aidric's adoption finalized. I am so happy that God has laid the path for us that he has. We would have never known so many of the people we have met or been able to love the way we have. I remember throwing my hands up and saying "why" after we heard about Aidric's condition, I get it now God....all in your time.

A little of our life since Emma and Connor

A few months after we received Connor's diagnosis we decided to go ahead with the adoption process. We knew how long it could take and we started classes for the Foster Care/ adoption program in Late January of 2009. We went to 36 hours of training and started our homestudy. We made sure everyone involved was fully aware of our life, Emma's and Connor's. Our assessor was so wonderful and she made everything as comfortable as a Home study could be! We took a few months off around Connor's birth in April and then received our paperwork that we had been approved in mid June of 2009.

A few weeks after that we met our adoption worker for the first time and I immediately felt great about her. I knew she would be a huge help and that I could trust her, which was a great feeling to have in a situation where you have no idea what is really ahead of you! That day our assessor told us of a baby boy in the NICU in Columbus in need of a foster care/ legal risk placement. Legal risk is the term they use when the State plans on fighting for permanent custody of a child, but it hasn't happened yet. So the intent of this is for the foster family to care for the child with the intentions of adopting them. I was immediately ready for this!! Our adoption worker sent us the baby's information and history. He was in the NICU since birth, born with PUV (Posterior Uretheral Valves) which had been fixed with surgery. His prognosis was wonderful, antibiotics to prevent infections and a few other preventative medications. We were told (by the hospital, not the county) that he would need yearly follow up care with a nephrologist and a urologist and was otherwise doing great.

T.J. Wasn't sure about it from the beginning. It was only a few months since we had lost Connor and to be honest I don't know that he ever thought he could love another person's child. After listening to me beg and plead for what seemed like hours I am sure....he said okay. On July 17, 2009 we went to Columbus Children's hospital to meet our baby boy. We decided to name him Dillon. He was so cute and small, but huge for the NICU! He was doing great as well. We spent the next 2 days traveling back and forth to Columbus and brought him home on July 19.

The next few weeks were spent bonding with him, cuddling and getting used to a newborn again. Anna loved him right away. She called him Dilly, as soon did the rest of us. She was such an amazing big sister caring for him and showing him his toys and such. He fit in well with our little family and we were beginning to see what the rest of our lives could be like with him. T.J. Fell for him fast too. After 3 weeks of this new little family I took him for a full day of follow up tests at Cincinnati Children's. Dillon was so good, I even bought him a lamb chop puppet at the gift shop. The next weeks we were scheduled to get the results with his doctor's. We stood in the office with Dillon's foster care worker and discussed how great he had been doing and how well things were going. She told us about his case and his bio mother. Then the doctor's and nurse came in. They begin to paint a picture that we were completely floored by. Dillon had major kidney damage. The severe reflux caused by the PUV had taken his Kidney's down to 34%. He would need to be cathed every 3 hours for the rest of his life and there was a large chance he would need a kidney transplant in his childhood. When I ask for a life expectancy they said it was too soon to be able to give me one. T.J. And I stood in the office stunned. How could there be such a difference in these two hospitals? What were we going to do?

We went home and talked and cried. How could this be happening? We spoke with his workers, the head of the urology department, the home health care nurses and our families. We had come to love this helpless little child, Anna had come to love him as well. But, in our minds we knew we couldn't put ourselves in a situation like this. Not this soon after Connor. We made the agonizing decision to find him another placement.

It didn't take too long until we received the call that they had found a family. I was so scared that this family wouldn't be “good enough” for him. But, the first time I called his new Mom I knew that this was his family. They were young, energetic and had 1 adopted son and a soon to be adopted daughter. They came to meet Dillon and I saw the love in his mom's eyes. The same love I felt the first time I saw him, and I knew everything would be okay for him. The next week they came and took him home. I sent all of the clothes, gifts, equipment and toys that were his. We kissed him goodbye and that could have been forever. Thankfully, that hasn't been the case. I have become very close with his Mom and Anna with his sister. His name is now Aidric and they ware awaiting his courtdate to make that official. He has since had a surgery and a Urostimy bag put in and he is thriving! He babbles, he walks and he loves to climb stairs. Most importantly Anna and I see him once a week for play dates, she still calls him Dilly.

After Dillon left we knew we needed some time to heal. We weren't sure if we could ever take another foster placement. In early September we received a call from our worker about a newborn baby boy. He was still in the hospital and ready to come home the next day. Everything told me no in my head, but in my heart could I turn down a newborn? We said we could take him, but then within the hour we had to call our worker back and I told her we weren't ready. I wasn't ready. After losing Connor and then everything with Dillon I just couldn't do it. We decided to ask our worker to take our names off of the placement list. We would let her know when we were ready and at the time we weren't sure if we would ever call her back. Then I happened to be on the website for our county one day. Looking at pictures of waiting children (those in permanent custody awaiting adoption). Most of these children are over the age of 7, or they have been placed in a forever family already. There was one picture that was different. I was immediately drawn to these big brown eyes. I read the description and saw he didn't have a placement yet. I called our worker and asked her about him. She said they were no longer accepting home studies, but she would call his worker. The next news was that she had our home study added to the other 40 families who wanted him as well. This was the only way I got T.J. To agree to put it in. He thought we had no chance, I however thought the opposite. In early October they had the first meeting with all of his advocates to narrow down the families. We received a phone call that we were a part of the 11 to be taken to Match committee. The next few weeks I tried not to think about it, but how can you not? The day of match committee we went to Sams on North Bend with my sister and the kids. I remember having a happy anxious feeling all morning. It was like I was waiting for good news. My phone rang as I walked into the the entrance of Sams. I was showing the lady my membership card and our worker gave us the news, he was ours! I was so excited I started crying and jumping up and down. I hugged the Sams employee and told her the great news. I told everyone who was looking at me as I created a scene. We are having a boy...he is ours! I called T.J. And I am sure the shock got him, here he had agreed to this thinking it would never happen and it has. We were so over the moon happy, and had a lot to get ready. We decided to name him Wyatt and we counted the days until we could meet him.

On November 19, 2009 we met our new son. He ran up to T.J. And grabbed his leg. As if he knew that Daddy needed a little reassurance. From that moment, he was a Daddy's boy. We played and talked to his foster Mom. We went back on Friday with Anna and her first time meeting him was amazing. He loved her as much as she loved him. We had two more visits, then a weekend visit. The Monday before Thanksgiving Wyatt came home forever!! we signed our paperwork on December 4th and that marked our 6 month waiting period to finalize. I have to admit that everything went much better than I could have ever expected. Wyatt was great, Anna was amazing and everything kind of just fell into place. It didn't take long until none of us could even remember life without Wyatt. Every time we had a visit from a worker or GAL they would tell us this is the smoothest, easiest transition they have ever had. I kept knocking on wood when they said it!

The months went pretty quickly with so many reasons to celebrate and life in general getting used to having a 1 ½ year old little boy around! We received our court date in June. On June 25th Wyatt became an official part of our family. I can't explain the feeling of relief, knowing he is our family forever! Anna has asked me so many times, now Mommy since Wyatt is our brother he doesn't have to go back to him's house ever again? Never again Annie, this is him's house.

So that is where we are. In a little over a year from losing Connor our life has been happily hectic. We wouldn't have it any other way though! We have been so blessed and our life is probably not near what we thought it would be 6 years ago when we got married. But, we are happy, we are in love and we have an amazing family. What more could you possibly ask for?