First Communion...

Our Peanut is such a blessing.  

Our little miracle and our solace through our pain. 

 

She has been the light that kept us going and the reason we wanted to keep going.  

 

She brings joy to all those around her and never misses a chance to make someone smile.  

 

She has an infectious giggle and an endearing personality. 

 

So proud of all that she has accomplished and all that she will.

 

Next weekend she will make her first Holy Communion.

. 

May God Bless this little one today, tomorrow and always.

Jaded

8 diapers a day

Wipes

Lotion

Hair lotion

Hair treatment 

Hair ties

Special shampoo

Onesies

Socks 

Shoes

Clothes

Jammies

Toys 

Books

Snacks

Breakfast

Lunch

Dinner

Laundry

24 hour care

Visitations twice a week

To and from 

Providing for

Caring 

Loving

Changing diapers

Rocking in the middle of the night

Bathing

Teaching

This is just the beginning of what a foster parent provides. All I ask for is that someone tell me what the hell is going on.

 Don't leave me out. 

 Don't act like I am a pain. 

I know you are busy- so am I. 

I am the one caring for a child who isn't even mine. 

I am the one who wakes when he cries after a visit with a virtual stranger he hasn't seen in more than half his life. 

I am the one who watches my children fall in love with him and him fall in love with them. 

I am the one who sees him thrive and grow and learn in my home. 

I have spent the last 13 weeks changing my entire life for this child- 

Yet I am treated like the enemy. 

I am treated like a pain in the butt who has done something wrong. 

I am not the problem- 

I am not the criminal- 

I am not the issue- 

This is not okay- 

I pray that something gives soon because no matter how sweet the baby is that is sleeping above me

 this experience is why they don't have any foster parents. 

This is what is wrong with the system 

I am a bleeding heart- a volunteer- a foster parent - and now I am jaded.

Coming to terms...

All of the events of this week have set in my mind. I have come to terms with the reality that love and prayers do not always make things happen the way we want them to before, and now I will do so again. 

God has plans for us that we do not understand.

As Easter approaches and I am reminded of the miracles we have been granted and those we feel passed us by, I can't help but feel a little defeated.

Five years ago on Easter Day I prayed for a miracle. What a sign from God that the day after Easter when I went to the hospital Connor would be coming into the world. 

I prayed for a miracle- for his recovery- for the diagnosis to suddenly be wrong. 

But, as was His plan, that didn't happen. 

A few months later when Bug (aka Aidric) was placed with us I prayed this was meant to be- that he was our miracle. But when his medical necessities and diagnosis were more than we as a grieving family could endure he was 

placed with another family.

 In the time we had to make a choice for him it was heart wrenching- I wasn't sure I could heal from the pain- especially so soon after Connor. 

But I did.

 

He was fine without us, because we were not God's plan for him- we were just a stop along the way to his forever.

These past realities of our lives show me that I can handle whatever comes for Baby D. 

We can handle this. 

His resiliency and endearing personality will bring him love wherever he goes. 

If he is meant to stay with us for 2 more weeks, 2 more months or 2 more years I know his time with us has shown him love. 

We have brought him consistency, helped him trust and introduced him to so many things. 

I am letting myself start to grieve- because letting go of something so precious will require letting ourselves grieve. 

So as the weeks move forward in this journey with Baby D I pray that what is in his true best Interest is granted. Not what is easiest for a case plan or reunifies for the sake of the word and not the well being of the child. I pray the system does not fail him. 

We are so blessed to live in a community and have families who support and love   us. To have friends that love and pray for Baby D.

 I know that wherever he goes God goes with him and I pray that we, as a family, are granted peace and security in knowing he is happy. 

Fostering

I am sure this post would be different if the system was different- but the system sucks. 

Foster care is not fun- it is awful. Workers change positions and advocates quit their jobs. While foster parents are expected to transport back and forth to visits, appointments, child care, food, diapers, wipes, hair care and so much more with the small stipend provided- whoever said people do foster care for the money is crazy. 

If anything as a foster parent I feel like the enemy. I am treated like I am a pain by caseworkers from the county and I am told what to do- not asked. I am the one providing 24 hour care yet I am the one they fail to contact. Our agency and ourselves one team member who no one else on the team seems to like. The low man on the totem pole who is treated as such.

I understand reunification is the game- but chance after chance after chance just doesn't seem like the "best interest". As I sit in the waiting room at visits I hear so many stories of kids in care for years- extension after extension - drug tests positive and no follow through - but just one more chance. 

I wanted to be able to do this- 

I wanted things to end with this baby with us forever. 

I know what we have done for him is great. 

I know he probably won't remember us.

I want what is best for him.

In his best interest.

Do I think this family is what is best? 

From what I know I do not. 

I do know from now on I will listen to my heart. 

I will be in court.

I will interact with his grandmother. 

I will do what I need to do for me - 

I will prepare my kids for him leaving before summer.

I will make sure they know that he is going to a safe happy place- even if I don't believe it myself. 

I will have faith that God is going to look out for him- because that is all I can do. 

Connor five years later

Five years ago tomorrow 

Connor left this world

As he came into it

Bittersweet 

Peaceful

Blessed 

Each moment with him in my arms 

Was more than I realized 

It could be

Each time his name is spoken 

Brings me back 

I try and remember 

the creases in his legs

The smell of his skin

The length of his toes

For five years I have wondered 

On any given day 

At any given minute

Who he would be ?

How would he look

Blonde hair or brown

Would he have kept his blue eyes

Would he be rough and tumble 

Or a quiet snuggler

Signed up for kindergarten 

Sliding down the tube slide

Learning to ride his bike

Writing his name 

Running wild

Little things that will never be

For this little boy 

That never got the chance 

To be five years old 

Or four

Or three

Or two 

Or one

Our little boy who is loved so much 

Five years tomorrow 

Sometimes it seems like an eternity 

And  

Sometimes it feels like yesterday

So thankful for the gift of our sweet boy

So blessed to have carried him 

So lucky for all he has taught me

So proud to be his mom.

 

Six years ago...

Tonight 6 years ago there was a woman heading to a hospital.

 After spending months incarcerated while pregnant, she had been out for a few months and on her own in her pregnancy.  

I imagine she was scared. I imagine she wasn't sure what would happen. 

Having lost her other 4 children to the foster care system I imagine that fear was merited. 

This woman had demons. 

She had fought with herself and struggled through life. 

I want to believe that she had different plans for the child she was carrying when she walked through the doors of the hospital that night. 

I choose to believe that she wanted what was best for this child. 

As this little bundle of joy came Into the world 6 years ago tomorrow I know he changed this woman.

 As she struggled with her demons and addictions over the following months she loved him enough to sign her rights over and make him eligible for adoption. 

That is where we come in.

 That is where God stepped in and brought us together. 

We are the blessed parents who get To raise this amazing little man. This sweet and sassy (yes boys can be sassy) wonderful little boy. 

In so many ways our rainbow boy- who turned our world upside down in such a great way. He is funny, sweet, happy and still keeps me on my toes. He is wise beyond his years and is doing a wonderful job learning in kindergarten too. He is an amazing brother and a wonderful friend. He is compassionate and loves with his whole heart. He still chooses apple juice over anything else and loves to snuggle. 

Sometimes I have to stop and remind myself where he has been- 

where he has come from-

where he could be. 

There is no doubt in my mind that God was watching over him through the scary parts of his life that he has survived and that He continues to watch over him now.

 Our Super Wy will be 6 years old when he wakes up... 

Happy birthday to our best buddy.