Sunday, March 9, 2014

Six years out...

Grief is such a weird thing. 
Just when you think enough time has passed that "those days" won't sting like they did-
    they come along and they do.

It will be 6 years tomorrow since we had the world fall out from under us. 

It will be 6 years tomorrow that we walked into an ultrasound room so full of hope- a family of 3 soon to be 4
and we left broken. 

It is one of those moments ingrained in your mind. The smells, the sounds and the feel of the room. To be honest the past few years have been much easier than the first few, but when "d" day rolls around it all comes flooding back. 

When I think of how much I have learned since we lost Emma I am proud of myself. But, when I think about the short time between her diagnosis and losing her it makes me so sad. 

Being a part of many Anencephaly groups I have listened to arguments from the Carrying to term moms vs the early induction moms. Not many of us have done both. As much as my heart breaks for all of the moms, I feel even more for those who have induced. I know they feel a different pain than those who carried to term. Because as much as they might want to think that they are happy with their "choice" and even if that was the best thing for their family and their self at that time - 

It still doesn't change the fact 
that they - 
that we-
that I- 

Did not have the time with my baby that I could have. 
Did not give her the chance to survive- if even for a few minutes.
Did not have the faith in myself to try. 
Will never know what it felt like to carry her longer. 
To spend time with her in my stomach instead of talking to her from a cemetery bench. 
I think this is why her anniversary hits me so hard. Because of the what ifs and the regrets. 

I know she shaped me differently than any of my other children have. 
She proved to me that I am strong.
She helped me realize who I want to be as opposed to who I thought I was.

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