Wednesday, June 16, 2010

The Emma Poems

These are the poems I wrote for Emma. When I had her and lost her at 21 weeks I had no idea the emotions that would follow, especially leading up to her due date. I wrote poetry to help me heal. These are the poems I wrote for Emma.

I held you for awhile,
so close to my heart
Felt you moving each day
an unconditional love from the start
We had so many plans for you
such a wonderful life ahead
God can only know the pain we feel
and we trust Him to care for you instead
We will never understand why this happened
What it all means
But know one thing, that forever
We will love you Emma Jean
You are our child, our precious baby girl
You will be in Mommy and Daddy's hearts and minds
and forever a part of our world

3:30 am

Sometimes I wake at night
hearing your sister giggle or talk
Going into check on her not so silent slumber
and seeing she is asleep
Dreaming or thinking
so peacefully unaware
I lay my hand on her chest
just to feel her breathe
What I wouldn't give
to do the same to you
To just wake up at 3 am
to care for you and touch you
To hear you cry or laugh
or just to feel you breathe

Tiny Footprints
the size of my fingertip
Have left lasting impressions
on our hearts and our lives
Perfect features, ten perfect toes
how something so small
can create so much love
Something so fragile
so loved from the start
An Angel in Heaven
holds a place forever in our hearts

Your name in print makes a bad dream so real
Such disbelief so many emotions to feel
Emma Jean, Beloved daughter
I read knowing it is true
you are with the Lord instead
No matter how much we need you
You are in God's hands
You are able to be okay
These things we keep believing
they help us make it through each day
some day we will meet again
and I will finally hold you
until that time you will watch over us
and with your help we will make it through

It rained today
it's felt appropriate from the start
Your funeral was this morning
you were laid to rest with a piece of our hearts
Your life so short
made an impact so strong
The rain keeps falling
tears from Heaven all day long
Your sister doesn't understand
some day she will know
how much love she shares with you
and how that love will grow
For today she helped us
gave us a glimpse of who you might have been
We felt your love for us through her
Your gift to us from Heaven

I just want to hold you
feel your heart beat with mine
I just want to see you
have a moment to stop time
I have so many feelings now
I don't understand
I just need you here with me
I disagree with God's plan
I haven't had a chance
to let myself be mad
I haven't found the strength
feeling too sad
I just want to hold you
is that too much
I just want to know you
I long for your touch

Yesterday was Easter
sad but better than the day before
we went to see you at the cemetery
took you eggs and a pinwheel
your sister doesn't understand
she runs and touches the other baby's things
toy trains and bunnies
she hops from stone to stone
we tell her we are there to visit you
she repeats your name and nods
she doesn't know the pain
one of God's gifts to little children
she sees me cry and holds my leg
unaware of the reason
she knows that I need her
if only I had you to hold too
maybe the pain inside would go
for now I can talk to you in Heaven
and hope to see you in my dreams

I miss you
I think about you all of the time
the guilt is getting to me now
I feel bad if I am not thinking of you
I feel bad if I am not sad for a moment
I know I shouldn't
I know it is okay for me to be happy
Your sister and your daddy need me
they need me to be okay
but I feel guilty
I think of things I maybe could of done
what did I do wrong that made you so sick
should I have done something differently
I would, if I only knew
I love you
I want to go back and make things okay
but they aren't
they will never be okay
I know they will get better
I hope I will get better
if I only knew how to get there

We went to Grandma's house tonight
it was the first time since we lost you
I talked to Aunt Stephie
I felt a release in knowing she understands
Your angel cousin Avery is with you
like Logan is here with your sister
I look at the two of them playing
running through the kitchen giggling
I know you have the same gift in Heaven
I can't help but to see Logan differently
like I have new eyes for her
she is the miracle Daddy and I pray for
that we too can have a healthy child
she is covered in chip dip up to her elbows
her diaper running down her legs
but she is here
she is always smiling
and she gives us hope

I miss you more today
I don't know why really
some days seem to be okay
and then others are harder
your sister has been so fun
maybe that is part of the reason
I see what I could be missing with you
She has been giggling and dancing
snuggling and playing
all things I dreamt of you doing too
we went for a walk today
this summer I had plans
of taking the two of you in the double stroller
maybe you would have hated the stroller
cried and screamed
or maybe you would have been content
like your sister
just happy to be here

One month ago today
we found out your fate
it seems like a lifetime ago
yet it seems like yesterday
I can still replay the events
like a movie in my mind
I can hear the words
I can see the moments
frame by frame
word by word
They haven' t gotten any less clear
maybe they never will
I can hear myself screaming in the doctors office
I can see the pain in your daddy's eyes
I can feel Anna laying on my chest
not knowing what is wrong
will these things stay so vivid
will they fade
do I want them to fade
maybe not
they are my few actual memories
of you

I sit here today
thinking of you
imagining how it would be
to talk to you
to touch you
to know you are okay
I talk to you all of the time
when Anna sees an angel now
she says Emma
every night we say goodnight
to the stars
to the moon
and to you
we will forever love you
we will forever miss you
she will forever know
that you are a part of us

Today was Mother's day
it was a good day
we spent time with family
we didn't go to see you
Yesterday we did
Anna ran and played
today I was selfish
I didn't have the strength
You should be in my belly
moving around from all of the food I ate
You should be here
drawing on a Mother's day card from Daddy
I still don't understand
I will never understand
the days and weeks go by
some better than others
but the pain is still there
my heart is still aching
I still need you

Your sister loves the cemetery
she chants “meema”
as she dances from grave to grave
she understands now that you are there
someday she will really understand
our childhoods so parallel
looking back at the things I remember
being little at the cemetery
running from grave to grave
only knowing my sibling
by rubbing my hand against his name
never could I have known
Anna's relationship with you will be the same

I opened your closet today
I know I shouldn't have
every time I see your things
my heart aches
I told myself not to buy anything
as if I knew all along
but I did it anyway
and now it sits with tags
alone in it's place
with my memories
of who you might have been
I can only imagine you
I can only dream of you
you were my child
I felt you move
but I will never see you smile
I will never hear you breathe
these clothes are my memories
my tangible pieces of you

In my mind
in Heaven
you are about 6 months old
you are chubby and smiley
no where near
the tiny sick version of yourself
that you were with us
you babble and laugh
and smile down on us
In my mind you are happy
In my mind you are healthy
In my mind is the only way
I have ever known you
so I can keep this memory of you
no matter how made up it is
In my mind
it is you

It's been a hard week
sitting here I realize
maybe it's going to be a hard month
Less than a week until July
somehow the months have passed quickly
would they have gone this fast
if you were with me
I am sure I would be complaining
ninety degrees
so big and round
I would probably be miserable
how amazing it would be
to feel so miserable
to be counting the days
instead of the months
that stood before we were able
to see you
to hold you
to know you
now I sit on this bench
across from your grave
I guess this is me
getting to know you

Maybe I am going crazy
because I can't deny
that I haven't thought about
digging deep
beneath your grave
just to hold you
maybe I am not alone
have other mothers felt the same
thinking maybe
wishing maybe
that holding you
that seeing you
could somehow ease the pain

I have heard
that time heals
as much as I want to believe it
I feel like I am
going in reverse
maybe it's that you
have the day
we had you and lost you
and that day
which should have
brought us joy
when you should
have been born
when we should
have heard you cry
time heals everything
then I should start feeling better
shouldn't I ?

Tonight I sat in your sister's room
she was sound asleep
her fan louder than
her quiet breaths
I just needed to sit
to think
to be near her
I came into
your room
what should be
your room
I try to imagine
what would it look like
if it were waiting for you
if it wasn't this office
if it was for you
now I sit and wonder
waiting to sleep
wanting to sleep
trying to quiet
my sleepless mind

Eight days and counting
I can't imagine
that the time could go slower
if you were still with me
Each moment passes
as if it were standing still
I knew it would be hard
I was hoping
it could pass quickly
I guess life doesn't work that way
I remember how I felt
before Anna was born
excited and scared
would it be the same with you
would I have ever known
just how lucky I was
just to have you

Looking back
I realize I have
so few memories of you
I heard your heartbeat
I felt you move
but in reality
most of them were filled
with fear
and tears
looking back
what I remember isn't good
Maybe someday
that will change
someday my actual memories
will fade
then someday I can
look forward
to looking back

There were two little girls
when I came to see you today
As I walked up to your stone
one turned to me and smiled
she asked if I liked coming here
without even thinking I said yes
it is the only way I can see her
They walked from stone to stone
reading each name and date
Two little girls
they sat beside me on this bench
the three of us lined up in a row
they made me think
of you and Anna
a few years down the road
as if you knew I needed something
maybe you sent them
no one else around
but me and two little girls

Today is mommy and Daddy's anniversary
for some reason
I always thought
you would be born today
Anna on Valentine's day
and you on our anniversary
that way Daddy
would never forget
now we sit together
missing you
he tries to make this
a good day for us
your Daddy
such a good man
your sister
such a wonderful girl
she hugs me
he holds me
because they know
I need them
as much as I need you

Last night
I had an awful dream
I couldn't remember
your face
you and your sister together
holding you
I searched everywhere
for pictures
for movies
there had to be
something to bring
my memories back
the dream got worse
when I woke up
realizing there was nothing
no movies
no pictures
no memories of you

I almost feel
like I'm losing you
all over again
only this time
I am not as numb
this time things are clearer
I am no longer in shock
I am no longer in denial
this time I almost feel
my heart breaking
this time the staunch reality
has had time to set in
maybe in a few days
I will be past this place
I pray that this time
is the last time
I feel this way

Here we are
we have made it to this day
a few months ago
I thought
it would never come
yet here we are
you in your place
in Heaven
me in my place
on Earth
I held you
for awhile in my body
I will hold you
forever in my heart
regardless of how
mommy wants it to be
no matter how much it hurts
this is it
this is where we are

Emma's 1st Birthday
It has been a year now
so much has changed
looking back at it all
some things are still the same
we still miss you
we still love you
we still think of you
Looking back I realize now
how much you have taught me
how my time carrying you
and the time I couldn't carry you
have made me who I am today
you have made me
a stronger person
a better mom
a more caring companion
you have taught me more
than anyone who has
stepped foot on this earth
you have taught me more
about love
about faith
about devotion
you have given me the strength
to carry your brother
to have hope
to carry on
You are our Angel
Happy birthday Emma
We love you.

Two Years Ago

Two years ago tomorrow
my world was forever changed
I went from blissfully unaware
to painfully knowledgeable
I went from a soon to be mother of two
to the mother of a child destined to die
I realize now
how much I have learned
how little I really knew
how much you grow as a person
when you feel as though you
will shrink and disappear
two years ago tomorrow
I sat so happy in an ultrasound room
my daughter on my lap
awaiting the wonderful news
two years ago tomorrow
our world came crashing down
those same 4 walls surrounding us
how much life has changed
in these two years

as fast as it goes
day to day
week to week
as much as I know
I have healed
there are moments
when it is as if time
has stood still
there are visions
set in my mind
refusing to leave
the snow outside falling
as we found out your fate
it is snowing today
as if time has stood still
taking me back
to 3 years ago
making it all
that much clearer
that much more real

No comments:

Post a Comment