So very lucky...

four years ago tomorrow
you came into this world
seven pounds seven ounces
black hair on your head
perfectly formed by God
carried in the womb
and bared by another
always in the heart
of your birth mother
wondering how she feels
as she waits for this day
knowing she must think of you
as her demons pave her way
As for me
I get the blessing
to watch you grow
to tackle you with kisses
catch you when you fall
be here by your side
when you want to snuggle
listen to you talk
laugh at your jokes
smile when you are ornery
what else can I do
four years old
so smart and aware
you ask about your "old house"
I tell you and show you where
then I ask you
where did mommy carry you
before we found each other
the sweetest words I can hear
you whisper close to me
"mommy carried me in her heart"
with that smile
with those eyes
with a big smooch and a hug
so lucky
so very lucky

Balloons

Earlier this week I posted about a few things that happened during Emma's week that seemed a little too coincidental to be just that. Tonight another one of those things happened that has not only warmed my heart, but answered a little question I have always wanted to know.
Today is Emma's Birthday. She would be 4. I remember a few years ago sobbing in the middle of Krogers wondering which balloons to buy her, not knowing her preference. This year it was an easy choice, Pooh, because Anna and Wyatt are both into Pooh and Friends right now. We chose a few balloons to go with it, pink, blue and two shades of purple. We took the balloons to the cemetery and sang happy birthday. We stayed for awhile enjoying the wonderful weather and while we were there minutes apart two of the balloons popped. The pink and the blue. As we watched the remaining balloons fly I mentioned to T.J. that purple must be Emma's favorite color. We went home and played outside and I hadn't thought much more of it until just after sundown the doorbell rang. It was my mom and dad, standing in the doorway, with 2 purple balloons. I had tears in my eyes as I told them that is was so weird they brought two purple balloons. My mom had a look in her eye and looked right at my dad and said "see I told you". Seems she knew when there were 2 purple balloons together that those were the ones to bring. We are so blessed in this life to receive these signs and to be able to be open enough to really see them. As Anna and Wy let the balloons into the night sky we watched as they stayed within feet of each other all the way until they disappeared. Seems Emma let us know that she likes purple today, coincidentally it is now Anna's favorite color too.

Happy Birthday sweet girl....

Four Years

It is so odd to me how sometimes in a grief season the it is not only the dates that are hard, but the days as well. When we got Emma's diagnosis it was on a Monday, she died on a Thursday. The days that the dates have fallen on have changed each year since, but Monday was still weird and today has been the same. On the day of her diagnosis it snowed 4 years ago. On Monday, after a mild winter with no snow, it snowed. I have had eerie signs and signals from all over this week. The snow, random things Anna has done - completely unprompted, a phone call to go back to our old house and most importantly, an email. From someone I haven't spoken to since Emma died. Four years today I got the email.
Sometimes I feel like God is literally talking to me, letting me know he has not forgotten what I have come through and showing me reasons why I can continue to be strong. Reminding me that my babies lives have not been forgotten and that they have made a huge difference in not only our lives, but others as well. I found out a good friend's child was born with a disorder. Although not life threatening, scary and a huge surprise none the less. She is so lucky to have been born into an amazing, accepting and loving family. With a mother who would have her no other way than how God made her. But I have to say, her birth made me sit and think long and hard if I had a child, before I lost Emma, how would I have handled it? How would I have felt without knowing what I know now? Of course I would have loved the baby, but I wouldn't have had the gift to see life the way I do if it hadn't been for my baby girl. Emma changed every fiber of my being. Losing her made me a different person than I was before. She made me view life and death, birth, pregnancy, motherhood, myself differently. She made me question things I had never thought to question before, enjoy things I had taken for granted and ask for more out of others than I had.
Four years. Saturday will be 4 years since the date of her diagnosis - Tuesday will be her 4th birthday. Last night I sent out an evite for Wy's 4th birthday party. Yesterday I talked with Austin's mom about how it will be the same amount of time that Austin was here. Four years. It has been a long 4 years....

Teeny Baby Wyatt...

A few weeks ago I posted a blog about Wyatt asking about when he was little. Wanting to see baby pictures of himself and asking where they were. As so many times in my life before, God was listening. The next day I got a phone call from Bug's mom. She was able to contact the hospital he was born in and was getting the newborn pictures that were taken in the hospital! I was so excited by this idea I did the same as soon as I hung up, 2 weeks later our mail finally came!! So 3 years and 10 months later we are so happy to share "Baby" Wyatt!

My Little Valentine's Day Miracle

I remember when I was pregnant with Connor, people telling me they would pray for a miracle. Saying God makes miracles happen and you could have one. I knew Connor wouldn't be healed, that was not his fate, but I also knew I had already been given my miracle baby...her name is Anna. Today is not just Valentine's Day. Six years ago it became the most important day in my life. Because Anna was born.
Last night as she was too excited to fall asleep I laid next to her and talked to her about the day she was born. How we were so excited and so scared at the same time. How when we were at the hospital everyone waited and guessed how big she would be! And most importantly how on the day she was born she made "T.J. and Sarah" turn into "Daddy and Mommy". She thinks this is pretty cool, so do I. It is amazing to me to think that it has been 6 years!! My little baby girl is so grown up. she is so smart and caring, silly and gassy! She can read, has a great imagination, she is a great big sister and a friend to all.
Six years ago I may not have realized what a miracle she was, but now I have no doubt about it. God has a plan for this one and I am so lucky to be her Mommy. I really couldn't ask for anything more and I am so excited to see all of the new things she learns this year and in the next 50~

Bittersweet Birthdays....

Today is a pretty big day in my before loss life.
There was a time when I had never heard of a Neural Tube defect. Never even knew Anencephaly existed. Seven years ago I got a phone call from T.J., his sister's baby didn't have a brain and it wouldn't live. I remember putting the phone down and telling my boss. Then leaving. Within a few days Avery Taylor Schmidt was born into her mommy and daddy's arms. She was so tiny, being only 19 weeks gestation, but such a precious little baby. After her funeral I remember talking to Doug and Steph about a flea that had been in their room, and my mom's "flea" that she always thought was Mikey. After Steph lost Avery I remember trying to explain to My Aunt Kathy what she had and not even being able to pronounce Anencephaly. Almost ironic.
Stephanie became pregnant again and I became pregnant with Anna. Stephanie and I had our entire pregnancies together. She was due a few weeks after me. Shortly after Stephanie and Doug found out that they were having a girl and that she was healthy, Doug suddenly passed away. 8 Months after Avery and 4 months before the baby was due. Taylor was 7 and Nate not even 2. Sometimes life makes no sense. No trying to figure it out, because it just isn't worth trying.
Stephanie kept herself healthy and her baby. Though she wasn't due for weeks on the Anniversary of Avery's life and death, Logan Avery Schmidt came into this world. Tiny little thing with a full head of hair and ready to go. A Rainbow baby in so many ways and a miracle.
Logan is 6 today. After having Emma it what Logan that gave me hope. For some reason whenever I look at her I get this sense that she knows a lot more than we give her credit for! She and Anna are both miracles. Both silly, lovely little people, who are complete and total miracles. Days like today bring such a bittersweet feel. I really can't imagine what Steph goes through, so much happiness for Logan, yet the tweak of sadness brought from the loss of a baby, no matter how many years pass. I am going to post a poem I wrote years ago about Logan here. It was a part of "The Emma Poems" .

We went to Grandma's house tonight
it was the first time since we lost you
I talked to Aunt Stephie
I felt a release in knowing she understands
Your angel cousin Avery is with you
like Logan is here with your sister
I look at the two of them playing
running through the kitchen giggling
I know you have the same gift in Heaven
I can't help but to see Logan differently
like I have new eyes for her
she is the miracle Daddy and I pray for
that we too can have a healthy child
she is covered in chip dip up to her elbows
her diaper running down her legs
but she is here
she is always smiling
and she gives us hope

Happy 6th Birthday Logan and Happy 7th Birthday in Heaven Avery

Snuggle Boy

For the past few weeks Wyatt has been coming in to snuggle in the middle of the night. I would have thought I would have never allowed this. When Anna was a baby, toddler and even now I never allowed her in our bed. I would go to her room and snuggle, rock or console her, but never brought her into our room. Even now if she needs me, she calls me, she doesn't come into our room. Wyatt on the other hand will stand right by my head and say "Mommy, you snuggle me". The first time I pulled him under the covers beside me he snuggled so nicely and fell right asleep. I put him back in his bed a little while later and he slept until morning. After a few nights, each time he woke up in the middle of the night he did the same thing.
I am not sure if it is the post - Austin's death mother that I have become, or the fact that I am not sure that Wyatt was snuggled or consoled as an infant, but I look forward to hearing his little voice. His sister is like an octupus in bed. Her arms and legs wind up everywhere, I have actually woken up with her big toe in my nose once. Wy on the other hand is a still, sweet sleeper. It has been a nice little time for us to enjoy the quiet snuggle, even at 2 am.
I had thought about telling him no, or to go back to his bed. But, I am not sure how much longer these little things will last. After Austin died I remember talking to his Mom about these little things. So many times they go unappreciated, not by this mommy. I am going to soak it up as long as I can. Who would have thought all of my "rules" I had laid out for myself as a parent could be made a little better by my snuggleboy.