Monday, February 6, 2012

Bittersweet Birthdays....

Today is a pretty big day in my before loss life.
There was a time when I had never heard of a Neural Tube defect. Never even knew Anencephaly existed. Seven years ago I got a phone call from T.J., his sister's baby didn't have a brain and it wouldn't live. I remember putting the phone down and telling my boss. Then leaving. Within a few days Avery Taylor Schmidt was born into her mommy and daddy's arms. She was so tiny, being only 19 weeks gestation, but such a precious little baby. After her funeral I remember talking to Doug and Steph about a flea that had been in their room, and my mom's "flea" that she always thought was Mikey. After Steph lost Avery I remember trying to explain to My Aunt Kathy what she had and not even being able to pronounce Anencephaly. Almost ironic.
Stephanie became pregnant again and I became pregnant with Anna. Stephanie and I had our entire pregnancies together. She was due a few weeks after me. Shortly after Stephanie and Doug found out that they were having a girl and that she was healthy, Doug suddenly passed away. 8 Months after Avery and 4 months before the baby was due. Taylor was 7 and Nate not even 2. Sometimes life makes no sense. No trying to figure it out, because it just isn't worth trying.
Stephanie kept herself healthy and her baby. Though she wasn't due for weeks on the Anniversary of Avery's life and death, Logan Avery Schmidt came into this world. Tiny little thing with a full head of hair and ready to go. A Rainbow baby in so many ways and a miracle.
Logan is 6 today. After having Emma it what Logan that gave me hope. For some reason whenever I look at her I get this sense that she knows a lot more than we give her credit for! She and Anna are both miracles. Both silly, lovely little people, who are complete and total miracles. Days like today bring such a bittersweet feel. I really can't imagine what Steph goes through, so much happiness for Logan, yet the tweak of sadness brought from the loss of a baby, no matter how many years pass. I am going to post a poem I wrote years ago about Logan here. It was a part of "The Emma Poems" .

We went to Grandma's house tonight
it was the first time since we lost you
I talked to Aunt Stephie
I felt a release in knowing she understands
Your angel cousin Avery is with you
like Logan is here with your sister
I look at the two of them playing
running through the kitchen giggling
I know you have the same gift in Heaven
I can't help but to see Logan differently
like I have new eyes for her
she is the miracle Daddy and I pray for
that we too can have a healthy child
she is covered in chip dip up to her elbows
her diaper running down her legs
but she is here
she is always smiling
and she gives us hope

Happy 6th Birthday Logan and Happy 7th Birthday in Heaven Avery


  1. Beautiful and heart breaking. God bless your family.

  2. Happy birthday to 2 special girls