Friday, November 7, 2014

Birthday ...

Baby D turns 2 today. We woke him up with a round of happy birthdays and his choice of "ritos" aka Doritos for breakfast. 
I dressed him in his birthday boy shirt and fixed his hair. 
After hugs and kisses I packed him in the car to head to his visit. After last weeks positive experience with his Aunt I was hopeful. I didn't realize when we got there he would have so many arms waiting for him. 
His Aunt was there along with her two daughters and grandson, another aunt and his great grandma. They had cupcakes and a card and balloons for him.
As his Aunt walked towards him to greet him he looked a little nervous with all of the people. She showed him his balloons and he lit up "mike and sully"! She had remembered that I had told her he liked monsters inc and Mickey Mouse at court and bought those for him. 
When I came back to pick him up I was able to spend a few minutes talking to his family. As much as I never thought I would feel this way my heart breaks for them. This is his family- those who cared for him from birth. The woman who cried for him when he was taken and had done all she thought she could to try and get him back. These women are the reason he was happy and well cared for before he came to us. 
I never thought I would call his GAL  and tell him I think he needs more time with his family. That he needs to spend the holidays with them. But, if inevitablely this is how our time with him ends it is best for all of us.
 D deserves to get to know them again. He deserves to be with his family that wants him and loves him. They have done nothing wrong. They have never stopped loving him. 
The idea of him leaving and never seeing him again is excruciating. I never want him to think that we didn't want him and love him. To think of how much Anna and Wy mean to him. How much he means to them. How he loves the only Daddy he has ever known. To think about how much mama and papa love him- and sissy and the kids. He loves his pepaw and granny Nate.  He knows and expects these people in his life. He asks for them by name and loves them. I can barely bring myself to think that I won't be his mommy.  I pray he is young enough and resilient enough that he doesn't really realize how much things have changed. Just that he has gone from one family to another that loves him more than anything. 
I pray he never feels the pain that I am feeling as I type these words and think of him leaving. 

I need to keep my faith that God has known all along what Baby D needs. That His plans will lead him to a happy and safe life with the family who loves him. And that we can somehow see him grow if only through pictures. 
So many unknowns. 
So bittersweet. 
As I took him from the visit today I thought of his family. Watching me walk away with him, as they wait for him to come home. 
Praying for the two families who love him so much and for the baby who has so much love. 

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