A very Merry Unbirthday....

Each year when July hits I am reminded of what should have been.  As time passes things do get easier, the sting does ease, the pain subsides...but it is still there.  July 28- 5 years ago today was my due date with Emma.  Each year I feel like I forgive myself a little more for not being strong enough to get more information, to question the doctors, to do my research. Loss sucks- no matter when - having guilt in loss sucks even more.  After 5 years I feel like I have learned more from Emma than I have any of my other babies.  Emma gave me strength - her loss molded me into the person I am today.  So, on what should of been her birthday, as in past years, I am sharing my first ever blog post.  The Emma Poems- this is a collection of poetry I wrote for Emma. Most of it was originally scribbled on scrap paper from a bench in the cemetery. Later typed out as a bit of continued therapy.  Now I can look back and see how far I have come.  Whether it be one year out or 50, this day will always be a day for Emma...

 "Now blow the candle out, my dear
And make your wish come true
A very merry unbirthday to you"

http://emmandconnorpoems.blogspot.com/2010/06/emma-poems.html
 

Happy 9th Anniversary....

Nine years ago we kissed and said I do

Happy 

Happy

Happy Anniversary to us... 

Worth the Wait

When we entered onto this path that is parenthood.  We never thought we would be this far from where we "assumed" it would take us.  We had Anna and then we would have another child- and another -and another in my mind.  But, God had different plans after he blessed us with Anna. 

 There was a different road he sent us down that was filled with heartache and pain, but that brought us to an understanding that we weren't in control. 

We do not always get to make the decisions.  Sometimes we need to let go and let God.

 

After losing Emma and Connor and then having Bug leave, we were heartbroken. 

Then I "found" Wy by chance and looking back I know it was all in God's plan

That is a sweet story and all- but how I wish I knew what his plan was now! This road has taken us so far off of the detour I feel like I can't even see where we are going.  We went from getting Wyatt so easily to spending a year now trying to just find an adoptive placement.  We came so close with Skylah, but her path in her life seems it was meant to go somewhere else as well.  Since that point we have continued to look, with no avail.  And now we have started back on the path we took to find Bug and to find Wy.

 We are 5 classes into the coursework to be foster parents again.  We are hoping to foster to adopt a little boy.  As I buy all of the stuff to turn a tinker bell room into Monster's INC I realize I am once again creating a space for someone I don't know.  Someone who is more than likely on this Earth with us now.  In this State.  In this City. 

Last night as I layed in bed and said my prayers I prayed for this child.  

 Because I know for him to get to us - what he is going through now is awful.  I think of the things Wyatt lived through. I think of the things our future son is going through. 

The only thing that brings me Peace is that this is all in God's plan- so God watched Wy before we could and he is watching this boy too.  

Sometimes the paths we walk to get to where we are meant to be are not easy, but with God all things are possible. 


So I will keep saying my prayers, keep redecorating my rooms, keep dragging TJ to classes and keep telling the kids what "foster" means and how we will love our "foster brother" like he is ours and pray that it ends that way.  I will keep my fingers crossed and my clearance shopping from sizes 3 months to 3 years.  

We have done this before and we can do it again.  Because we know from experience it is all more than worth the wait in the end. 

So much to celebrate...

What a difference a year makes.  4th of July will forever be a reminder of how lucky we are.  Not just for our freedom or for the country we live in, but for this guy....

Last year on the 4th he came home from the hospital.  Scared and frail.

  Better than in the days leading up to this picture, but still not himself.  He had been through hell and our family had lived through hell.  Not knowing if he would be okay.  Not knowing if he would come home.


A lot of "crap" stemmed from the support (or lack there of) that was received over Corey's medical scare.  Sometimes in life when bad things happen you realize who really cares.  Who really has your best interest at heart.

Seeing this little guy today- healthy and happy- packing for Disney World- reminds us that miracles do happen.  Bad things can turn out happy and that God does hear our prayers. 




http://emmandconnorpoems.blogspot.com/2012/06/today-tonight-and-tomorrow.html


http://emmandconnorpoems.blogspot.com/2012/07/this-morning-i-went-back-to-hospital.html