Sunday, April 10, 2011
Connor's week is coming .....
Thinking of the week leading up to Connor's birth I don't remember much. I remember sitting in a church pew the morning of my induction. T.J., myself and many older people. Taking one last chance to pray for my son. To pray for strength, to pray for understanding. I was so scared, not knowing what to expect. Would I deliver him still, would I watch him die? Would I labor for days and end up with a c-section? Would I be okay? Would my family be there? Would we have a chance to baptize him? Would I have pictures of him? Would Anna be able to be with us? I had sat in the same church pew for the last 9 months, watching other pregnant woman come back to church babies in tow. I had a huge round belly and felt kicks and knocks constantly. I had love and affection for this living baby I was carrying. How could I deliver him and give him back to God? That is how pictured it as I carried him in my belly. I was given this gift and this amazing time to love him. To help teach others around me the love of a Mother, to find beauty in imperfection, to find bliss in pain. I had him for a time and I would give him back to God.
As I sat in that pew I did not pray for a miracle. I know many other people had, but I never expected that. God made my son the way he was and he was not meant to live on this Earth. Having the gift of his sisters, both in Heaven and on Earth, had taught me that. I never really expected anything of myself other than to love him. I feared that I would be upset by his defect, or the way that he looked, and that made me feel terrible. So I prayed for strength and to see passed that. I prayed for my mom and dad, for T.J. and for Anna. I prayed that things could go smoothly and that I could have fond memories of this day. I came at this from such a different set of circumstances than all of the other moms I knew living this life. I was just happy to carry Connor. All I ever asked of God was that I could hold my son, have a picture of him and spend time with him. These were things that I never got with Emma. I was happy to be able to plan his funeral ahead of time, to relish in my big stomach and to enjoy my pregnancy. Every prayer I said after Connor's diagnosis came true for me. I never prayed for him to be born alive, I prayed that God help T.J. and I to deal with everything the best we could. We did not have to watch our son die in our arms, because he took his last breath before he entered this world. The miracle at hand was the fact that he was able to survive for 37 weeks inside of my body, with a body that could not survive outside of me. The miracle was that my body and my God helped me to defy my doctor's thoughts and concerns. I not only progressed quickly in my labor, but the delivery my doctor was sure I could not do on my own was so fast he literally had to run down the hall to catch Connor. I was able to deliver my child and hold him in my arms. To have every one of my friends and family around to hold him and love him. He was baptized in my arms and Anna was there with us the whole time. T.J. and I felt the peace that passes understanding that day. We were able to hold it together, by the grace of God.
If I could have written out the way things would go in the situation we were given, this would have been it. The time we spent with him was all I could have ever asked for. Looking back I can see that. Looking back it doesn't sting like it did before, it is different. It is like the more time that passes the grief changes. You start to lose little parts of the memories you had and miss different things.
I miss everything about the person that he would be, everyday. I long for the touch of my beautiful son. I sometimes stare at his pictures just wishing I could feel his skin or to peel his little fingernails. I miss the smell of him, which is fading from the blanket I had him wrapped in and I sometimes physically ache because I want to hold him so bad. The feelings aren't always this strong,but birthdays and Anniversaries bring up the emotions down deep. I am proud that we have made it to where we are and as I think back to this week 2 years ago I can smile knowing that we made it and that Connor is smiling down on us.