Another Day....

It's  been days
it's been weeks
in a few days
it will be years
sometimes it seems
like it was a lifetime ago
sometimes it feels
like time has stood still
she feels the fear
that she felt walking towards him
he hears his own words
ringing in his ears
of all of the memories
that fade in time
these pictures
these moments
play on repeat
over and over again
nothing ever changes
he never gets to stay
each day they try to smile
for the one that
they hold here
for the hope
she carries within her
but when time catches up
when that day
draws near
there is nothing
nothing they can do
relive the moments
relive the nightmare
and know this time
from experience
they will make it
another day....

My Tangible Peace

To be honest, I have to admit, that I don't think about Emma and Connor at the ages they would be today.  I think about them as babies.  It is hard to imagine who they would be today, because I never got to know them.  There are sometimes where I can't resist the idea.  The other day we had a playdate.  I am pretty sure it was the first time that the four kids born within months of Connor were here, all together. 
I remember being pregnant with Connor, knowing Sarah was pregnant with Natalie.  I remember finding out my sister was pregnant, then Jamie and then Heather.  REALLY! My sister and my closest three friends, all pregnant while I was pregnant, all having babies within 6 months of when I would have Connor.  They would all be born within 6 months of when I would lose Connor. 
At that point I wasn't sure what I would do with this situation.  I knew these babies would be in my life, because their mothers were the closest people to me, but what would I do!? I guess I did what anyone would do,  I loved them.  I embraced each pregnancy, each birth and each baby as much as I could. 

Today I am so happy to say that I love the relationship that I have with each of these miracles.  They are 4 of my favorite children that in my eyes can do no wrong....even though their mommy's think otherwise.  These 4 little people are a wonderful reminder of who Connor might have been, and a tangible way for me to love him through them.  Sometimes it seems like God is playing some cruel joke on us, when in the end he is just bringing us the peace that he knew we would need.  These 4 little ones are a big part of my peace....

Goosebumps and tissues

Sometimes in life, in grief, there are these moments that cover your body in goosebumps.  Most of them are in a good way, as if you know there is a greater meaning, a bigger picture that you just haven't been far enough away to see yet.  With Austin this is something that seems to happen a lot.
When Austin passed away the nurse at the hospital was a childhood friend of his Mom and I's.  We have known her forever, since elementary school, and she was the nurse on duty, in the ER the night of the accident.  Since then she and Austin's Mom have been closer.  Not only was she there and witnessed this horrific tragedy, but she has sons of her own.
Tonight as I was checking Facebook I saw she had written Austin's mom a little note.  About how she was thinking of them and a song came on.  Usually there are songs that make you feel a certain way, but this one made my stomach flip.  As I pulled up the lyrics it made my whole body get goosebumps.  It made me eyes well up.  It was as if they knew Austin's story.  As it turns out it was about a little boy who had cancer, but regardless of the tragedy, the outcome was the same. 

http://youtu.be/0J2OF1S3iSI
Here are the lyrics -
Ronan - Taylor Swift

I remember your bare feet down the hallway
I remember your little laugh
Race cars on the kitchen floor
Plastic dinosaurs, I love you to the moon and back

I remember your blue eyes looking into mine like we had our own
secret club
I remember you dancing before bed time then jumping on me waking
me up
I can still feel you hold my hand
Little man, from even that moment I knew
You fought it hard like an army guy
Remember I leaned in and whispered to you

Chorus:
Come on baby with me
We're gonna fly away from here
You were my best four years

I remember the drive home when the blind hope
Turned to crying and screaming, "Why?"
Flowers piled up in the worst way
No one knows what to say about a beautiful boy who died

And it's about to be Halloween
You could be anything you wanted if you were still here
I remember the last day when I kissed your face
I whispered in your ear

Come on baby with me
We're gonna fly away from here
Out of this curtained room in this hospital
We'll just disappear
Come on baby with me
We're gonna fly away from here
You were my best four years

What if I'm standing in your closet trying to talk to you?
What if I kept the hand me downs you won't grow into?
And what if I really thought some miracle would see us through?
But what if the miracle was even getting one moment with you

Come on baby with me
We're gonna fly away from here
Come on baby with me
We're gonna fly away from here
You were my best four years

I remember your bare feet down the hallway
I love you to the moon and back

32 years out

Last week was the Anniversary of my brother's death.  He has been gone for 34 years.  As I sat and talked with Austin's mom about this I couldn't help but think of where they were at, as compared to my parents.  From there we talked about where my parents were at 2 years out, 32 years ago.  The thought then came to my mind, I am 32.  My birthday is near the end of August, well at 2 years out they had a newborn.  Fresh home from the hospital, such a wonderful time.  But, I hadn't really thought about the timing.

As I talked to my mom the next day about this she said, it was the lowest point in my life.  Lowest point in her life!?  Yes, you see when I was just 3 days old I went back to the hospital.  When I was brought home I was seemingly fine.  My dad went back to work on a Friday and my mom was home with me.  She noticed I was twitching.  My hands and feet at the same time as if it were clockwork.  She took me to the doctor, the same doctor she took my brother to on a Friday.  They too saw what was happening and told her they needed to call the lifesquad.  The last time they called the lifesquad my brother was sent to the hospital from the same office.  She refused transport, knowing where it had led 2 years prior and my Aunt Cindy drove us to the hospital.  From there I was admitted.  I spent 15 days in the intensive care unit.  At some point in this stay I had numerous spinal taps, as they looked for Spinal Menengeitis.  The same thing that took my brother's life.  On the 2 year anniversary of his death.  My parents were in the same hospital with their newborn, being tested for the very thing that killed him.

As I sat and listened to her I was in awe.  I have heard the story of my hospital stay, I knew what had happened, but never had I realized it was this sick twisted timing.   In the end - as you have guessed - I was okay.  I had very low calcium that had caused me to seize.  Special formula and hundreds of blood tests to keep track of it were the only thing I needed.  But, what my parents went through is unbelievable to me.

As we sat and sipped our McDonald's coffee, just the two of us, I looked at her and said how is it only your body that has fallen apart!? This woman has been through so much, yet can sit and tell me my story, the one that brought us to where we are.  The one that helped to form who I am and who I want to be.  Sometimes we forget what exactly has happened to bring us where we are.  Having Austin's family has brought back so many memories for my family.  Watching them has not only been hard, but opened so many windows into the memories they have.  It has been a blessing in so many ways, for Austin's family and for my parents. And for me to be able to be on the outside looking in at these 4 people, who I love, respect and admire more than anyone, living this eternal nightmare.  I often wonder how we all ended up together in this.  I know it was more than coincidence. 

And to top it off....
The other night we had Mom and Dad's 40th Anniversary party, through it all they are still standing, still together and still smiling.  Austin's family came to that party and I am pretty sure that in 32 years they will be right there. Eerily enough in 32 years they will have been married for 40 years......

Just to Go Home

I have never understood death.  I have never understood why some people go so early in their lives and others sit waiting, praying to leave the Earth.  Tonight I sat with Aunt Jean.  Walking in to see her once again sitting in a high back wheel chair, crumbs on her lap, eyes barely open.  Everytime I see her now it seems to be the same.  She has been moved 3 times, each time she gets worse, she moves up a floor.  Each time I see her she just wants to go home.  Not home to a house, home to God.

Tonight I went to see her and she seemed to know who I was, but just for a moment.  The dimentia and alzheimers have stolen so much of her.  There are so many ramblings of ideas like a little movie roll is playing in her head.  She spoke of an old friend, Dottie Wunder, and I asked if she wanted to see her.  She replied, oh no she just had a baby.  Then she spoke of an Aunt Viola who lived in Clifton on Erckenbrecker.  I stroked her hair and held her hand.  Two things I could never imagine doing in her old life.  Her nurse, Von, was such a nice guy.  He told me how much he loved how she said whatever she wanted and I told him a few of the stories she had told me.  I told him  how she had worked into her late 70's and how she had watched Anna and Corey just a few years back.

Because this is not my Aunt.  This is a shell of a woman.  With wrinkled, bruised hands and her hair matted down. 

As I sat and talked to her I brought up things I like to remember.  I asked her if she remembered when I used to come over on Saturday nights.  Her eyes brightened as she looked at me and said of course.  I told her how she used to always make me green beans, my favorite, for dinner and she replied that my mother always had a vegetable with dinner.  We talked about the Golden Girls and Empty Nest in the moments of lucidity between the thoughts that seem to consume her.
At this point I know our visits are more for me than they are for her, though she seems to realize I am there.  As I got in my car I prayed out loud, sometimes when I am feeling in such a way I think He will know I mean business.  I prayed that she can be at peace and that He can call her home, because in the end that is all she wants...just to go Home. 

All things Pink

A few months ago I wrote a post about a woman named Ali.

http://www.emmandconnorpoems.blogspot.com/2011/11/for-past-few-months-i-have-been.html

 Though I have thought of her often,  Of her family and especially her husband and daughter, I never knew these people.  Sometimes when you follow a blog it is almost a surreal feeling.  You can become so involved with this life you read about, yet you are so far removed from it, that it saves you from feeling pain.
 Although aware of this family, knowing their names and seeing there faces from reading the blog Ali's sister has kept for her, I didn't know how "close" to me they were.  For the last 5 years we have been going to storytime at the library.  On and off as the kids have gone through phases we have almost always gone on Tuesdays.  This summer we switched to Mondays.  The first few times we went I didn't notice, but then my sister pointed out the names as we sang the welcome song.  This was Ali's family.  Her sister, her father, her mother and a band of girls in pink sunglasses who I am sure she touched on a level some friends may never understand.  Then there is the little.  Dressed so perfect, hair in place, round little face.  As I sit and round my own up I can't help but feel guilty.  I can't imagine not being here and watching my kids grow.  I get to watch her daughter dance and run into her grandfathers arms in plain sight each week.  I get to see the amazing love that this family has for not only Ali, but for each other.  I never knew Ali in this life, but I like to think that she gets to watch my babies in Heaven.  Maybe there is a storytime each Monday morning and Ali watches as my babies crawl from place to place......maybe she is only an arm length away from my babies as I am from hers. 
 Sometimes life doesn't make sense.  So we have to make a little sense of it...to keep ourselves sane.  Sending so many prayers for Ali's family tonight, knowing her daughter will know who she was through her memory being kept alive and praying that just a little of that love for pink gets to the daughter that is waiting at the gates for me.  

A very Happy unbirthday

Today is a very bittersweet day for me.  Four years ago this day was Emma's due date.  As much of a healing day it was then it has since become harder, maybe because of regret, maybe because of time, maybe because of life in general.  Regardless of the reason I am posting a link to my first ever blog post.  The reason I started writing again.  The reason I survived and made it through much of what I did.  It was all because of Emma.  This post "the Emma Poems" is my journey with her.  On what of could have been her birthday I am sharing it again...I love you baby girl

http://emmandconnorpoems.blogspot.com/2010/06/emma-poems.html