I have never understood death. I have never understood why some people go so early in their lives and others sit waiting, praying to leave the Earth. Tonight I sat with Aunt Jean. Walking in to see her once again sitting in a high back wheel chair, crumbs on her lap, eyes barely open. Everytime I see her now it seems to be the same. She has been moved 3 times, each time she gets worse, she moves up a floor. Each time I see her she just wants to go home. Not home to a house, home to God.
Tonight I went to see her and she seemed to know who I was, but just for a moment. The dimentia and alzheimers have stolen so much of her. There are so many ramblings of ideas like a little movie roll is playing in her head. She spoke of an old friend, Dottie Wunder, and I asked if she wanted to see her. She replied, oh no she just had a baby. Then she spoke of an Aunt Viola who lived in Clifton on Erckenbrecker. I stroked her hair and held her hand. Two things I could never imagine doing in her old life. Her nurse, Von, was such a nice guy. He told me how much he loved how she said whatever she wanted and I told him a few of the stories she had told me. I told him how she had worked into her late 70's and how she had watched Anna and Corey just a few years back.
Because this is not my Aunt. This is a shell of a woman. With wrinkled, bruised hands and her hair matted down.
As I sat and talked to her I brought up things I like to remember. I asked her if she remembered when I used to come over on Saturday nights. Her eyes brightened as she looked at me and said of course. I told her how she used to always make me green beans, my favorite, for dinner and she replied that my mother always had a vegetable with dinner. We talked about the Golden Girls and Empty Nest in the moments of lucidity between the thoughts that seem to consume her.
At this point I know our visits are more for me than they are for her, though she seems to realize I am there. As I got in my car I prayed out loud, sometimes when I am feeling in such a way I think He will know I mean business. I prayed that she can be at peace and that He can call her home, because in the end that is all she wants...just to go Home.