Nine years

Emma, 

It is so hard to believe that in just a few days you would be 9 years old. 

Nine Years. 

Nine years ago I learned what loss felt like. 

Nine years ago I became a different person. 

Nine years ago I lost you. 

Looking back there are so many things I don't remember. I guess that is time's way of letting me heal. Some days I only think of you once or twice and others you never leave my mind. 

You are the baby who made me a better, stronger woman. 

You are the baby who made me a little crazier than I already was. 

You are the baby I expected to be healthy. 

I expected to raise. 

You are the baby that taught me I am not in control. 

You have given me strength and helped me advocate for all of the children in my life. 

You have made me live a life without regret. 

You have changed my views on so many things. 

It is hard to believe that Anna was the same age as Sam is now when we lost you. At the time she seemed so grown up. I remember her dress and the shoes I had to have her wear. I remember watching through tears as she walked around the funeral home just before the service having everyone smell her carnation. I remember thinking how big she was. That is my memory of the two of you. The closest I ever got to having the two of you together. 

I wonder now, who would you be? Would you be sweet and low key like Anna or a funny stinker like Sam. Curly hair or straight? Maybe somewhere in the middle of my other two little girls. 

Life changed forever when we saw your face on that ultrasound. 

When we found your fate. 

I cherish every second of carrying you. 

I cherish every kick, hiccup and craving. 

You will forever be a part of me.

I take solace in knowing God is holding you in His arms. 

I take comfort in knowing you are whole in Heaven. 

I like knowing you are with Connor.

Take good care of your baby brother up there. 

I imagine you fight with him, just as Anna and Wy fight down here. 

And that you love each other unconditionally, just as they do. 

Nine Years. 

Nine Years of loving you. 

Nine years without you. 

I will always and forever love you, Emma Jean.