Monday, March 13, 2017

Green bag

 When Tj and I were engaged, I found a bag I loved. My mom and I were shopping when I saw it and she bought it for me as an extra gift. Something to use as a carry on for our honeymoon. 
All of these years later this bag serves a far different purpose than it did. 

Today this is my bag. 
I lovingly refer to it as my dead baby bag. 
It holds some of my most most prize possessions. 

The shirt tj ordered before we knew Emma was sick, it came in the mail the day after her diagnosis. 
The shirt I wore to both of my babies funerals. Cards, letters, chromosome reports, funeral Mass cards, poetry, newspapers and obituaries.

Clothes my babies wore

Clothes my babies never got to wear. 
Connor's blanket and shoes. 
Footprints and pictures. 
Their names in print. 

I have this bag in my closet. So if there is ever a fire or a tornado I can grab it and take it with me. I know my things are safe in it. 

Days like today, when Emma would be 9, I sometimes like to take it out and empty it.
 Sort through each item.
 Smell the blankets, knowing full well they no longer smell of a baby, but rather a bag in a closet for 8 years. 
As much as it hurts, sometimes you just need to feel.
 Remember the hope.
 Remember the loss.

 Remember the pain. 

When I took my new bag on my honeymoon, probably full of sunglasses and magazines all of those years ago... little did I know the purpose it would serve me now. Even on days when I don't open the bag, I can look at it and feel comfort just knowing what it holds. 

No comments:

Post a Comment