Sometimes Anna makes me cry....
Happy tears. Tears of pride. Tears of joy.
To know that this little child who is only 7 years old understands.
She understands loss.
She understands Love.
She is fully aware of the things that have happened in her life and she is thankful for them.
She is so insightful when it comes to things that we tend to over think.
As we sit in our classes preparing for foster care and adoption (again) we are told so many of the scary things. So many of the negative things, realistic, but bad things that can happen. I feel like even though we are being prepared for the worst we have seen the beauty that can come from it as well.
After 3 hours of separation and Anxiety classes, learning about grief and loss, in a different way. Five years ago when we took this class I remember the fear. I was still pregnant with Connor. Learning about grief while dealing with the impending death of your own child is a daunting experience.
Sitting in this class today I felt a sense of clarity.
Realizing that TJ and I have dealt with loss.
We have dealt with grief.
We have lived each of these "steps" and will be able to recognize them in our children.
As one of the future foster parents said in class today that she thinks these "mothers" that keep losing their children and having more are nuts I realized. Although they have demons and they have made bad choices - we have something in common. When I lost Emma nothing made me feel complete again- the closest I got was carrying Connor. When you lose a child- it feels as if you are not complete. Even though these women have lost their children to their own faults, it is still a loss. They are still trying to fix something within themselves that is broken. I think that is why they continue to have children and lose them. It is sad and a maddening cycle, but it really gave me a little glimpse into where they might be coming from.
I am so glad that God has given me the opportunity to relearn all of this again. Even though 36 hours of training on beautiful weekend days is not where we would like to be....it is nice to feel like we are really learning something. If not the same lecture we heard 5 years ago, something about ourselves.
Nothing makes the wait more worth it than seeing where it can bring you....