Monday, February 27, 2012

Teeny Baby Wyatt...

A few weeks ago I posted a blog about Wyatt asking about when he was little. Wanting to see baby pictures of himself and asking where they were. As so many times in my life before, God was listening. The next day I got a phone call from Bug's mom. She was able to contact the hospital he was born in and was getting the newborn pictures that were taken in the hospital! I was so excited by this idea I did the same as soon as I hung up, 2 weeks later our mail finally came!! So 3 years and 10 months later we are so happy to share "Baby" Wyatt!

Tuesday, February 14, 2012

My Little Valentine's Day Miracle

I remember when I was pregnant with Connor, people telling me they would pray for a miracle. Saying God makes miracles happen and you could have one. I knew Connor wouldn't be healed, that was not his fate, but I also knew I had already been given my miracle baby...her name is Anna. Today is not just Valentine's Day. Six years ago it became the most important day in my life. Because Anna was born.
Last night as she was too excited to fall asleep I laid next to her and talked to her about the day she was born. How we were so excited and so scared at the same time. How when we were at the hospital everyone waited and guessed how big she would be! And most importantly how on the day she was born she made "T.J. and Sarah" turn into "Daddy and Mommy". She thinks this is pretty cool, so do I. It is amazing to me to think that it has been 6 years!! My little baby girl is so grown up. she is so smart and caring, silly and gassy! She can read, has a great imagination, she is a great big sister and a friend to all.
Six years ago I may not have realized what a miracle she was, but now I have no doubt about it. God has a plan for this one and I am so lucky to be her Mommy. I really couldn't ask for anything more and I am so excited to see all of the new things she learns this year and in the next 50~

Monday, February 6, 2012

Bittersweet Birthdays....

Today is a pretty big day in my before loss life.
There was a time when I had never heard of a Neural Tube defect. Never even knew Anencephaly existed. Seven years ago I got a phone call from T.J., his sister's baby didn't have a brain and it wouldn't live. I remember putting the phone down and telling my boss. Then leaving. Within a few days Avery Taylor Schmidt was born into her mommy and daddy's arms. She was so tiny, being only 19 weeks gestation, but such a precious little baby. After her funeral I remember talking to Doug and Steph about a flea that had been in their room, and my mom's "flea" that she always thought was Mikey. After Steph lost Avery I remember trying to explain to My Aunt Kathy what she had and not even being able to pronounce Anencephaly. Almost ironic.
Stephanie became pregnant again and I became pregnant with Anna. Stephanie and I had our entire pregnancies together. She was due a few weeks after me. Shortly after Stephanie and Doug found out that they were having a girl and that she was healthy, Doug suddenly passed away. 8 Months after Avery and 4 months before the baby was due. Taylor was 7 and Nate not even 2. Sometimes life makes no sense. No trying to figure it out, because it just isn't worth trying.
Stephanie kept herself healthy and her baby. Though she wasn't due for weeks on the Anniversary of Avery's life and death, Logan Avery Schmidt came into this world. Tiny little thing with a full head of hair and ready to go. A Rainbow baby in so many ways and a miracle.
Logan is 6 today. After having Emma it what Logan that gave me hope. For some reason whenever I look at her I get this sense that she knows a lot more than we give her credit for! She and Anna are both miracles. Both silly, lovely little people, who are complete and total miracles. Days like today bring such a bittersweet feel. I really can't imagine what Steph goes through, so much happiness for Logan, yet the tweak of sadness brought from the loss of a baby, no matter how many years pass. I am going to post a poem I wrote years ago about Logan here. It was a part of "The Emma Poems" .

We went to Grandma's house tonight
it was the first time since we lost you
I talked to Aunt Stephie
I felt a release in knowing she understands
Your angel cousin Avery is with you
like Logan is here with your sister
I look at the two of them playing
running through the kitchen giggling
I know you have the same gift in Heaven
I can't help but to see Logan differently
like I have new eyes for her
she is the miracle Daddy and I pray for
that we too can have a healthy child
she is covered in chip dip up to her elbows
her diaper running down her legs
but she is here
she is always smiling
and she gives us hope

Happy 6th Birthday Logan and Happy 7th Birthday in Heaven Avery

Thursday, February 2, 2012

Snuggle Boy

For the past few weeks Wyatt has been coming in to snuggle in the middle of the night. I would have thought I would have never allowed this. When Anna was a baby, toddler and even now I never allowed her in our bed. I would go to her room and snuggle, rock or console her, but never brought her into our room. Even now if she needs me, she calls me, she doesn't come into our room. Wyatt on the other hand will stand right by my head and say "Mommy, you snuggle me". The first time I pulled him under the covers beside me he snuggled so nicely and fell right asleep. I put him back in his bed a little while later and he slept until morning. After a few nights, each time he woke up in the middle of the night he did the same thing.
I am not sure if it is the post - Austin's death mother that I have become, or the fact that I am not sure that Wyatt was snuggled or consoled as an infant, but I look forward to hearing his little voice. His sister is like an octupus in bed. Her arms and legs wind up everywhere, I have actually woken up with her big toe in my nose once. Wy on the other hand is a still, sweet sleeper. It has been a nice little time for us to enjoy the quiet snuggle, even at 2 am.
I had thought about telling him no, or to go back to his bed. But, I am not sure how much longer these little things will last. After Austin died I remember talking to his Mom about these little things. So many times they go unappreciated, not by this mommy. I am going to soak it up as long as I can. Who would have thought all of my "rules" I had laid out for myself as a parent could be made a little better by my snuggleboy.