Saturday, June 30, 2012

Today, Tonight and Tomorrow.....

Today I sat in my car and screamed.

Today I not only told God I was Angry but I let him know exactly how I felt.  Alone in my car, windows rolled up, at the intersection of Mt. Alverno and Delhi Pike.

Today I watched my parents relive the worst days of their lives by hearing two little words.

Today I walked into my sister's house to find my brother in law's eyes red and swollen from tears and staring at a computer screen trying to find out as much as he could, probably rather seeing a different answer

Today I saw my nephew lying in a hospital bed being comforted by his mother who watched her brother die from the same thing gripping his little body.

Today I asked for prayers and had his little name lifted so many times it made me thankful for such power.

Today I heard my mother sob in sorrow.  Watched as she dealt with fear and sadness as well as the disgust of being immobilized by her own body to the point that she could not see her grandson in the hospital.

Today I watched my father's eyes continuously fill up with tears as he tried to fight back the demon thoughts that filled his head with the dreaded diagnosis that took his only son.

Today I was enraged that one person had the power to upset my mother even more by telling her that "it wasn't a big deal and her 25 year old great nephew had it a few weeks ago".
If only this person knew.  As I tried  to comfort my mother after hearing these callous insincere words I told her that maybe this his their cross to bare...they will never know the love we feel, because they have never cared to love the way we do.

Tonight I sat in a hospital room with a blonde haired little boy.

Tonight he asked me for a bag of the chips I bought and rolled his eyes and snickered when I burped. 

Tonight I kissed him on his forehead before I left the hospital, partly because I wanted to kiss him and partly because I wanted to feel that he was "cool as a cucumber" for myself.

Tonight I stopped by my parents on the way home, because I know that they are in pain.

Tonight they stood in front of me unable to control the emotions that weigh in their hearts.

Tonight I hugged them and realized I pray I never know how they are feeling.  To watch your son die and live your life with the little flicker of fear that it may happen again only to have your worst nightmare come true in one of their own, again.  Fear has a way of taking over, fear that stems from Grief is so much stronger. 

Tonight I hugged them again and went home.  Knowing I could do nothing to help them, nothing to ease their minds.

Tonight I pray that everyone gets a little sleep and that Monday we have a culture as clean as a whistle where nothing has grown showing bacteria.

Tonight I will Thank God and maybe apologize for yelling, even though Father Chris told me I could.

Tonight I will Thank Corey's guardian angel, his Uncle Mikey, for leaving us the knowledge of the symptoms to look for and for the courage to go straight to the hospital as soon as they saw them.

Tonight I will pray and I will pray and I will pray ......

Because Tomorrow I plan on getting a big hug from a little blonde boy who is feeling much better

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