Thursday, April 12, 2012

here it comes...

Connor' s birthday is in 2 days... 3 years ago tomorrow I was headed to the hospital. I had my baby's blanket, his clothes, his stuffed "bun bun" , yet my backseat had no infant seat. My home had a crib, but not meant for him. It was meant for "someone" who we hadn't even met and weren't sure we ever would. That night T.J. and I entered a floor in the hospital where happy things happened. Where screams turned into smiles and heartache was not "normal". After hours of waiting, things happened just as I had prayed. My labor and delivery were super fast in fact my doctor ran into the room to catch Connor. Tonight as T.J. opened up about how he has been feeling for the passed few weeks he told me something I never knew. He said that he can still see the look on my doctor's face when Connor was born. Like he had just had a life changing experience. this being the doctor I fought with and essentially told off to get the prenatal care my child and I deserved. This doctor who did not believe one ounce in carrying to term, but who had not only remained my doctor, but found out his daughter was pregnant with his first grandchild during my pregnancy. I haven't seen him since, but you can damn sure bet I email him every story I find of a child with a "fatal" birth defect who surpasses their life expectancy, or lack there of.
T.j. and I talked about Connor and the things we wish we could remember. The weight of his body, the smell of his head. I used to be able to press his blanket against my face so I could only breathe the air that once surrounded him, but his smell is gone. It is just air. Cold, stale air. Thank God for NILMDTS and our photographer. Sometimes I feel like I am forgetting and as dumb as it sounds, like i am not sad enough or I can't feel enough for Connor. Then I watch the video she made us and it all comes back.
Poor T.J. shares a birthday weekend with Connor. It is odd to think of what joy it should bring a parent to share that with their child. T.J.'s mom's birthday is the day after his...a happy day. His mom spent her birthday in the hospital with her baby boy and took him home to celebrate together for the rest of forever. T.J. spent his birthday in the hospital watching me eat cold sausage next to an empty bassinet waiting for the doctor to release us. He was forced to go get the car and stay at the pick up area where I arrived with empty arms and eyes full of tears where we went home and held Anna like we had never held her before. It seems for the last 3 years and probably from now until he is 90....birthdays suck more than they used to.
Here is to hoping and praying that each year the sting gets less or maybe more? sometimes the pain makes the memories seem more like a real life experience than some movie you watched a while back. I guess I will leave this one, as I have so many other things, up to God.


  1. You are such a strong, strong woman and you will never know the true impact you have had on so many people.

  2. Thank you for sharing your thoughts on year 3. I didn't really get into mine that much. While things went well overall I relate to what you say it feels like you're forgetting or that you're not sad enough. But all it really takes is watching a video or going through pictures to bring it all back.