Little Triggers....

Grief triggers...they can come out of nowhere.  It always amazes me how they can seemingly come from thin air and be all consuming immediately.  I am lucky that I don't have many things that bring these on for me, unlike Austin's mom who has to deal with the feelings everyday from seeing something as simple as a little boy with brown hair or an icee machine, but I had it happen the other night.  

Anna and I decided to have a little "date" and go see Annie Jr at the school up the street.  We had our popcorn and were all set in our seats, when I looked a few rows in front of us and there she was.  My number 1 grief trigger, a virtual stranger.  There is a woman who is about my age.  She was sitting with her daughter who is about Anna's age, maybe a little younger.  When I was pregnant with Connor she was pregnant.  Every Sunday we went to St. Dominic for mass and every Sunday she and her husband sat in the same pew, two sections over.  As my belly grew each week I watched hers grow.  For 7 months I went to mass every single Sunday, for seven months I watched her pregnancy progress along with mine.  Then one Sunday she wasn't there.  I figured she had gone into labor and I was secretly both loathing and excitedly anticipating the week she would return...and she did.  With her husband, her daughter and her two baby boys.  Twins.  I have to admit part of me had the "it's not fair, why does she get 2" thought passing through my head, but alas I knew that was silly.  As I went to mass for the next 3 weeks of my pregnancy I saw them come and go each week.  Blissfully happy and blissfully unaware of me sitting 2 sections over watching them each week.  

After I had Connor we decided to try and go back to Mass.  Sitting in the same pew I had sat and prayed in for the last 8 months somehow felt different.  Glancing over to see this family, this woman and her babies, while I sat with T.J. as we tried to heal our broken hearts, I decided that this wasn't where I needed to be anymore.  As much as the mass had helped me through my pregnancy it reminded me of too much to be a happy place anymore.

It has been 3 years since then.  This woman lives near me, knows people I know, seems to be many places I go and yet every time I see her I get this pang in my gut.  This reminder of what coulda, woulda, shoulda, might have been..... I wonder if she has ever noticed me.

here it comes...

Connor' s birthday is in 2 days... 3 years ago tomorrow I was headed to the hospital. I had my baby's blanket, his clothes, his stuffed "bun bun" , yet my backseat had no infant seat. My home had a crib, but not meant for him. It was meant for "someone" who we hadn't even met and weren't sure we ever would. That night T.J. and I entered a floor in the hospital where happy things happened. Where screams turned into smiles and heartache was not "normal". After hours of waiting, things happened just as I had prayed. My labor and delivery were super fast....so fast in fact my doctor ran into the room to catch Connor. Tonight as T.J. opened up about how he has been feeling for the passed few weeks he told me something I never knew. He said that he can still see the look on my doctor's face when Connor was born. Like he had just had a life changing experience. this being the doctor I fought with and essentially told off to get the prenatal care my child and I deserved. This doctor who did not believe one ounce in carrying to term, but who had not only remained my doctor, but found out his daughter was pregnant with his first grandchild during my pregnancy. I haven't seen him since, but you can damn sure bet I email him every story I find of a child with a "fatal" birth defect who surpasses their life expectancy, or lack there of.
T.j. and I talked about Connor and the things we wish we could remember. The weight of his body, the smell of his head. I used to be able to press his blanket against my face so I could only breathe the air that once surrounded him, but his smell is gone. It is just air. Cold, stale air. Thank God for NILMDTS and our photographer. Sometimes I feel like I am forgetting and as dumb as it sounds, like i am not sad enough or I can't feel enough for Connor. Then I watch the video she made us and it all comes back.
Poor T.J. shares a birthday weekend with Connor. It is odd to think of what joy it should bring a parent to share that with their child. T.J.'s mom's birthday is the day after his...a happy day. His mom spent her birthday in the hospital with her baby boy and took him home to celebrate together for the rest of forever. T.J. spent his birthday in the hospital watching me eat cold sausage next to an empty bassinet waiting for the doctor to release us. He was forced to go get the car and stay at the pick up area where I arrived with empty arms and eyes full of tears where we went home and held Anna like we had never held her before. It seems for the last 3 years and probably from now until he is 90....birthdays suck more than they used to.
Here is to hoping and praying that each year the sting gets less or maybe more? sometimes the pain makes the memories seem more like a real life experience than some movie you watched a while back. I guess I will leave this one, as I have so many other things, up to God.

Happy 4th Birthday Super Wy

Well Wy, today you are 4~ Such a big boy ! You are so smart and funny and a joy to be around. You love to play outside in your rock piles and to swing and play pirates with Anna. You love blowing bubbles, being Darth vadar and Captain Hook and to drive your sister crazy! The two of you are the best of friends and the worst of enemies and back and forth within minutes, perfect siblings! You are almost done with your first year of preschool and you have done so well! Mommy almost didn't send you this year and you have gone above and beyond what I had hoped for you! You love all of your school friends and "Jenny Amarno" who you talk about constantly! I am so happy to see you succeed in a whole new little world that doesn't always include Mommy~
You love to talk and to sing and as Daddy says you are never "quiet wyatt"~ You love to talk about your favorite people and then look the other way when they are around to talk to you! You are still quite the dog lover and never leave Bubba alone! I am convinced he loves you just as much though because I have caught him snuggling up by you when you are sleeping. You still love your apple juice and would choose that over any food or drink I offer you! You love to eat "shashage" and any kinds of fruit and aren't too big on sweets....other than your "two mints" you get at Grandma's house.
You have become this little person now with your own wants and desires that you are so proud to share with others. You can go golfing with Daddy, play squinkies with Anna, run with the big boys and pat the babies heads. My favorite is when you snuggle up to Mommy only to decide you would rather watch your shows alone! You are very social, but will still let everyone know when you need some quiet time....usually by yelling "be quiet, I can't hear". Trying to teach you to always use your manners has been a bit harder than it was for your sister, but you are always sure to stop and rephrase yourself with an added please! You love playing with "Grew and Namalie" outside and with Ben at school. Your favorite friend is still your beloved "Syn" and boy as the two of you get older the more "bad news bears" you become! You are such a joy to be around and your eyes and smile can light up a room. I can't wait to see what 4 brings you and how much you will change this year! I love you sweet boy~ Happy Birthday.

So very lucky...

four years ago tomorrow
you came into this world
seven pounds seven ounces
black hair on your head
perfectly formed by God
carried in the womb
and bared by another
always in the heart
of your birth mother
wondering how she feels
as she waits for this day
knowing she must think of you
as her demons pave her way
As for me
I get the blessing
to watch you grow
to tackle you with kisses
catch you when you fall
be here by your side
when you want to snuggle
listen to you talk
laugh at your jokes
smile when you are ornery
what else can I do
four years old
so smart and aware
you ask about your "old house"
I tell you and show you where
then I ask you
where did mommy carry you
before we found each other
the sweetest words I can hear
you whisper close to me
"mommy carried me in her heart"
with that smile
with those eyes
with a big smooch and a hug
so lucky
so very lucky