Wednesday, February 2, 2011

Return of the Guilt

It always amazes me how guilt can strike out of nowhere. I drove passed the cemetery yesterday and thought about how it has been weeks since I have been there. I can reassure myself that the snow, sleet and ice are part of the reason. The 2 children in the car, the sadness I feel when I am there sometimes, I have been busy yadda yadda yadda. I haven't been to the cemetery in weeks, am I a bad mom for this!!? I sat and talked with a dear friend of mine tonight about the guilt. About how I have been doing so great lately. Enjoying life and my children and I have been happy. It is times like this that the guilt hits me. Should I be this happy? I have 2 babies in Heaven. I have 2 children who are not on this Earth, how could I be happy? But, I am. It is the 2 children I have in my arms that help. My husband and my dog (as obnoxious as he is sometimes!) and my family. I can honestly say that time has helped me heal. I think about Emma and Connor everyday. I pray for them every night. I wear jewelry with their names and I stare at their pictures, but I do not cry. Then on days like today I feel guilty because I haven't cried. Has it been too long? Am I numb to this specific pain and I can no longer feel it? I don't know. I do know it is nice to talk to someone else who is the same kind of "crazy" as I am. I guess I am able to worry about my children here. I can worry about school, sickness, fighting, crying, eating, sleeping, rocking, playing and every other thing they do. For Emma and Connor I don't have much more than my grief. Grieving has been my entire relationship with them, so when the crying stops and the pain lessens what do I have? Maybe that is where the guilt comes in. I am looking for a new relationship to share with them. A way of moving forward without "moving on". A way to try and "know" them without ever having known them. This may be something I never figure out or something that happens totally on it's own. For now I will give myself a break. Be thankful that the crying comes less and the pain is more tolerable. I guess I will have to give myself a little time to figure this new stage of grieving out.

1 comment:

  1. I totally get this. I visited the cemetery on Saturday and it had been since Christmas since I had been there I believe (talk about bad I can't even remember for sure how long it's been!). I feel a little guilty I don't visit more often. I wish there was a way to have more of a relationship with our children than what it is.