Wednesday, June 16, 2010

Connor's Turn

I found out at 17 weeks that Connor would not survive. We decided to carry him to term and I was able to share 20 more weeks with him in my belly. These are some of the poems I wrote for him while carrying him and after we lost him.

I have been doing really well
but today I held back tears at the store
I was paying when I noticed a big wooden rocker
White with the Ohio State emblem
and I thought of you
how your Daddy would rock you in that chair
At first I would want a nursery of green or yellow
but Daddy would win with his scarlet and gray
That rocker would have been perfect
any room would have been perfect
if only we were able to need a room for you
as the weeks press on this will get harder
knowing that my time with you is getting shorter
most people want their pregnancies over
I wish mine could last forever
because as long as you are with me
I can feel you
I know you are okay
I understand it will end
that we will give you back to God
but things like that big white rocker
make me wish He had other plans

Have I carried you
because I thought it was right
because I expect a miracle
because I can change things
none of these are true
I have carried you
because I am selfish
because I wasn't ready to let you go
because I want to feel you move
because life has showed me
that I am stronger than I thought
because I want the chance
to see you
to hold you
to know you
because these things keep me going
because you are my son
because I wasn't able to do these things for your sister
because I know God will take care of you
because I know this is your life
and I want you to have all of the life you can
because I love you and
because I am your Mom

If things were different
I would be restless as these two weeks crept by
instead I am happy with the slow pace
if things were different
I would loathe the stretch marks surrounding you
instead I will cherish them as part of our time together
if things were different
I would be fixing up your room
daddy would be putting in your car seat
I would be worried that Anna would be jealous
instead I choose the verse for your prayer cards
if things were different
I would be organizing all of your clothes
instead I washed the one outfit we bought for you
if only things were different
but they're not
I have known this for 5 months
yet the closer it gets
the closer you get
the more I realize
if only things were different

When I close my eyes
I can see your face
I can remember
the feel of your hands
the length of your fingers
the weight of your body
I miss every part of you
When I look at pictures
I touch your face
I touch your hands
I can remember you
How I long to hold you
to feel your breath
to touch your skin
to smell you
I miss you

What I wouldn't give to need my double stroller
to feel the burn in my calf muscles
as I push you and your sister
up the bear hill at the zoo
to still have the things
I sold at the garage sale
just because
I was tired of looking at them
not needing them
having them fill with dust
the relief of having you is fading
into sadness and reality
I am so glad I had my time with you
but so sad it was so short
I want you here
I want to hold you
I have felt these things before
I know they will get better
eventually get better
but never go away

Lugging the car seat around
sore shoulders from your weight
laughing when you spit green beans
all over Daddy's face
Anna deciding what she wants
and what toys you can have
sitting up by yourself
enjoying your belly laugh
Buckeyes or Bearcats on Saturday
causing Daddy too many choices
wearing your Bengals gear on Sundays
worked up by all of the loud voices
babbling, drooling and teething
snuggling, crying and screaming
how amazing it would be
to watch you peacefully dreaming
so many things I can imagine
things I will never see
and to think you are in Heaven
getting to watch me

Has it really been 6 months
sometimes it seems
like it was only yesterday
sometimes it seems
like a lifetime ago
I can remember
the touch of your hand
I can feel the weight of your body
I have my precious pictures
to kiss goodnight
to look at your face
and to hold
when all I really want
is to hold you
has it really been 6 months
that we have been
without you

How is it the silly things
that make me miss you so much
Sitting at Frisch's
having my favorite thing
stupid onion rings
they made me want to cry
the last time I had them
was when we shared our last meal
the night before I had you
the night before we lost you
wonderful giggles surround me now
big blue eyes to my left
gorgeous brown eyes to my right
but still this sense of sadness
from missing you
stupid onion rings
maybe next time
I will just get fries

When they laid you on my chest
I knew you were gone
but I said over and over
It's okay
When they tried to revive you
wanting to give you life
I said It's okay
When I saw the pain in Daddy's eyes
wanting to make things better
I said It's okay
I told myself this
needing to believe it
Almost a year has passed
Not a second goes by
when you don't cross my mind
You have forever changed me
for the better
and now I can truly say
as much as I miss you
as much as I love you
It is going to be okay

It amazes me how
some days
are so hard
some days
I miss you so much more
so many firsts
that we never shared
blessed wonderful times
we never had with you
chubby smiling baby faces
beaming eyes
these things
make my heart ache for you
no matter how much time passes by

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