fear

 Fear. 

Fear and control. 

I try to control things to ease my fear.

My fear controls me, because I have no control.

 It’s an ongoing battle. For as long as I can remember. Making sure I do something a certain way, to prevent it from happening. I’m 43 years old and I’ve never had a drum stick. I’ve never used a glass measuring bowl. My brothers last thing he ate and what he was sick in the day he got sick.  It was a rule at our house, made sense to me. 

It still makes sense. I mean I know it is crazy, that we don’t have that much control, but what if we chanced it? 

Fear. 

Control. 

I have one because I lack the other. 

I live in fear. 

Fear of death.

Fear of cancer.

 Fear of the worst case scenario. 

So I do stupid things like pass up a balloon for a gift because I’m convinced someone may die. I refuse to type or say the words cancer free because I am afraid I will jinx myself into having cancer somewhere else. As thankful as I am to get to go to the survivor clinic. These words terrify me. What if I’m not a survivor and cancer is lurking hidden in my body. A fear I have had as long as I can remember. 

I’m afraid that I worry too much. I’m afraid if I don’t worry something worse will happen. People have told me not to worry about things, then things went wrong. 

I am right a lot about things I should fear. 

Pregnancies ending with funerals instead of baby showers. Infections in knees, abscesses in eyes, moles being cancer. Autoimmune diseases masking as anxiety. 

There is a fine line between intuition and feared obsession. Between advocate and worry wart. 

When the worst cases have become reality how do you not worry? 

Some years are tough. Some months feel like if one more thing drops I may lose it. 

But, so far I haven’t completely lost it. I’ve found the strength when I didn’t think I had any left. I’ve found the peace when I didn’t think it existed anymore. I’ve found the bravery when I was terrified. 

I will keep doing it. 

Maybe someday I’ll find someone to talk to who can help me with whatever the laundry list of anxiety induced mental health issues I probably have swirling in me head, maybe not. 

When I was in high school I wrote to let my fears out. Have my feelings on paper so they couldn’t control me anymore. 

Tonight I sat down and decided I couldn’t take the fear. I needed to let it out. 

I will be an advocate. I will research, ask questions and never back down. Fear will always be a part of me, but I will not let it be who I am.