Growing up...

I know sometimes I think of my children as babies. I tell them all of the time that they are my babies and they will always be. With this said, I am also well aware of how fast they are growing! Everyday something new is said or done by one of these smart little people that makes me turn my head. Anna has learned so much so far in Kindergarten I literally beam with pride when she reads, writes or quotes one of the many things said by her teacher. She is the oldest, almost 6, so sometimes it is easier for me to watch her grow up than it is her brother.
Wyatt is my baby. He is getting so big in size that he is dressing like a kindergartener with a 1st graders feet, but my baby none the less. Wyatt and I have been able to bond together, heal together and come into a relationship far better than I ever could have hoped or prayed for. He is so intelligent and his language skills far exceed Anna at his age. He is quick witted and funny, always eager to make us laugh.
In the past few months he has started to realize that things started a little different for him than they did for Anna. When I talked about liking Apple Juice when Anna was in my belly, he asked me what he liked when he was in my belly. I told him that I didn't carry him in my belly, but rather in my heart. I didn't think too much of it, knowing he was too young to understand, until today. We were practicing our shapes and I asked him what shape "this" was. He answered " A heart, I was in mommy's heart". I was so happy to hear him say that he got an extra hug for a righter than right answer!
He has also been looking at old photo albums. He sees everyone's baby pictures and he wants to see his own. I do have a few of him, but they are framed and not in the old albums. I told him we had his book in the basement, a blue one I made for his first year. He went down and grabbed an album full of Aidric's baby pictures. "Look, there is Daddy holding baby Wyatt, there is Kate and Wyatt". I haven't figured out that one yet, I will eventually tell him that is not him, but for today it made him so happy.
He is not even 4 yet and already so smart. He saw a picture of his birth mother holding him in his life book and said "That is baby Wyatt, whos her?" I told him that was a lady who took care of him before Mommy and Daddy did. He knows he lived at Mrs. Moore's house and we recently went to visit her, so that was a good answer for him. We are so lucky that for the most part he has always had people looking out for him. Even when those people made bad choices for themselves, they still made better choices for him. Like choosing to sign the paperwork to help him find a family who could care and love for him. In my mind, his mother made a great choice for him. If her mother had done the same, whose to say she wouldn't have ended up living a completely different life.
I have spent years as a parent explaining difficult things for even adults to understand. Heaven, Loss and adoption have consistently reentered our lives. Helping my babies to understand such complex ideas has been made easier by the fact that they are just that, babies. They don't ask many questions, they don't need concrete answers, just a little something to help them feel heard.

Bragging Rights...

I really have to admit this blog post is more of a "brag post". Today is one of those days where I am beaming with pride. I understand that some of what we try to teach our children comes through in their personalities and some of it is just what God has given them. We can try our hardest to instill good values in them and lead lives that we would be proud for them to follow, but we can only do so much.
Anna has wanted to get her hair cut short for months. I have tried to talk her out of it, changed the subject and so on. She hadn't changed her mind and was tired of it being in her face, so we decided it was time for her to choose. When she said she wanted it short, I thought okay, we can do this. After posting the idea on facebook a friend of mine mentioned Pantene's lengths of love. I told Anna about it and she thought the idea was kind of icky, saving hair and all. She wasn't sure she would do it. I let it go for a day and today when I picked her up from school she still wasn't sure. Thanks to a friend who is the mom of a Cancer survivor she gave me the advice to tell her about a little girl named Riley. One of Anna's closest friends is a Cancer survivor, this little girl is a part of The Dragonfly foundation with her friend Lillie. She knows that Lillie had cancer and a little about it. Lillie hadn't lost her hair, Praise God, so she was unaware of that part. I explained Chemo to her (in the version for a 5 year old) and told her that Riley had to start it and would lose her hair. She then said that she wanted to donate her hair so little girls who were sick and lost their hair can feel pretty. By the time we got to the salon she was on board and excited to do this. My cousin, who has also donated her hair, gave her an excellent new hair cut, just like Anna wanted. She has been telling everyone that she is going to mail her hair for a little girl who is sick and needs new hair. And she is in love with her new haircut!
Her love and compassion never cease to amaze me. Simply hearing of 1 little girl who was in need she immediately changed her mind on something she was uncomfortable with to help her. God has given us a pretty amazing gift in Anna! I have a feeling she just might help to change the world someday....

It's a new year....

New Years again...
It is amazing how fast the time goes as we get older! My mom has been telling me this for years and I am finally realizing how right she was about that! We have had such a great year and we have so much to be thankful for. Celebrating birthdays and holidays with family and friends. Being able to spend the whole summer in Grandma's backyard and the evenings together as a family. Anna starting Kindergarten, Wyatt starting preschool, a trip to Disney World and to Clearwater. Just being able to hang out in the backyard and the cul de sac. Anna lost her first 2 teeth and she has been learning to read and Wyatt learned to use the potty. We have been so blessed to be able to paint our house, get new carpet, a new fireplace and redo our kitchen which makes spending time at home together even better. It has been a very good year to us! We have all grown a little in size and a lot in love! Here are a few shots from throughout the year. May you all have a wonderful year in 2012~

A different way of viewing things...

I haven't posted in awhile and today I read an article that made me so angry I simply had to write! I will admit that I love to watch "19 kids and counting" I think they are an incredible family and Anna and I watch them together all of the time. I feel like we have a vested interest in their family, so we feel like we know them! When Michelle became pregnant with her 20th child I remember thinking how can she have 20 healthy pregnancies and I can't have 2! After their youngest daughter was born severely premature I thought it was risky to get pregnant again, but even after a miscarriage and 2 babies with fatal defects, I still think I would want to be pregnant again sometimes, so I am no one to judge. When I found out they lost their baby at 21 weeks my heart broke for them. Emma was 21 weeks when she was born still. As I was feeling sad for this family and knowing exactly the pain they were feeling I was so happy to hear they had Now I lay Me Down to Sleep come and take pictures for them. This is the organization that took pictures of Connor. This is the organization that sent a now very dear friend of ours to take amazing beautiful and artistic pictures to help capture the only day we ever spent with our son. One of my biggest regrets is that I did not do the same for Emma, that I don't have any pictures of her besides an ultrasound picture.
Today I saw an article with a link to the Dugger's pictures of their daughter, they actually had the image blurred and a warning on the page to view the pictures. They were of her tiny feet and hands. How is this vulgar or graphic in anyway. In the baby loss community this is something we are proud of, thankful for, and that we show proudly. I have many friends in this community who have posted pictures of their babies at earlier gestation than "Jubilee" was and they are still beautiful. I wonder what they would think of our Anen babies with their defects, or the child born with a skin condition who is scarred and bloody at every point of his day. These are our children. They are beautiful to all who love them. I understand that different people have different views on things. That years ago I would have had completely different thoughts than I do today with all we have been through. Would I have thought of this differently? Would I have found these pictures morbid and "disturbing"? I guess I will never know how I would have viewed them. The only thing I know now is that there is another angel in Heaven and her parents have one tangible reminder that will help them through the coming days and weeks and help them to remember her in the coming years.

Here is the picture



It is beautiful and it makes me smile to think that is about the same size Emma was.


Here is a shot taken of Connor. So similar, such a wonderful reminder that he was really here. Somedays it is like you can almost feel the memories leaving and you need something to prove that they were here. This is the gift that NILMDTS has given us.

so much to be thankful for

Here I go again. It is one of our milestones, one of the big ones. Thanksgiving brings me such mixed emotions I could sit and stew in my thoughts. I have such happy memories, terrible memories, and a complete lack of memories for certain things. As many dates and days as we have had that are important in our lives. Thanksgiving is a biggie.
I think a few of the things that drive me the craziest are the memories that won't leave. Those moments where you would like to not remember each and every detail, sound, movement as if it were minutes ago instead of years. I still remember holding the ultrasound pictures of Sydney and Connor on Thanksgiving night. My Mother and sister assuring me I was just worrying too much and seeing things that weren't there. I knew. I knew all along. I saw the difference in their pictures. I worried for myself for the same reason I never worried for my sister. Because I knew. I remember running to the bathroom crying unable to contain my fear. I remember the phone call the next day from the doctor confirming my worst nightmare. I remember throwing myself to the ground and screaming in my front yard as my mom pulled in the driveway. I remember for the only time that I have ever said it, repeating over and over again, "why me, why this baby, what did I do, this is not fair".
Then the memories stop for awhile. I don't remember that Christmas, New Years, Anna's birthday and so many other things following that phone call. How I wish I could hold on to the memories of spending time with Connor. As time goes on I know I am forgetting him and I hate that. I can no longer remember certain parts of that day, yet these Thanksgiving thoughts and the real true "black Friday" won't leave. I guess that is how it works. If we only remembered the good things we may never truly appreciate them.
As I have been "working" my way through this week I have noticed people have been listing what they are Thankful for recently. Each day saying something specific they are thankful for. Each day I am sure there is something a little new that I am thankful for, but to be honest, I have thanked God everyday for all that we have been given. For years before I even realized what I was thanking him for. For prayers that have been answered and prayers that have gone unanswered.
It still amazes me to look at the timeline of events in my life between Thanksgiving 2008 and Thanksgiving 2009. I went from realizing my greatest fear at to realizing one of my greatest joys at the next turn. I often think of how life could have been, would have been, should have been if I had been able to continue delivering healthy babies. T.J. and I talked the other night about it. I asked him if we had ever even had the discussion while dating about how many kids we wanted. I guess we hadn't because he wanted 2 and I wanted 4. I sat there for a second and I realized, we both got what we wanted. We have 2 babies here to care for, to cuddle and to try and corral. We have 2 babies in Heaven. Four kids for me, while at the same time 2 for T.J. . so much to be thankful for......seems He listens even when we aren't asking out loud.

Veteran's Day

It is Veteran's Day. As a child I can't say that I really understood the importance of this day. Now, today I feel like I have been given a wealth of knowledge on the importance of our Veteran's and current soldiers. I have been honored to watch my Dad become active in the Delhi Veterans Association (http://www.delhiveterans.com/). I have been able to hear his stories and pass them on to my children. I have watched him share in the camaraderie that each person in the military has with one another. I remember hearing when I was little how terrible coming home from Vietnam was. No warm reception, no parades, nothing from the people who they were protecting. Protesting and negative attitudes from people who really had no clue. I am so glad that my Dad and his fellow Vietnam Veterans are able to live in a time, now, where they can not only be proud of their accomplishments, but share them and have people say Thank You. My children will always know that their Papa is a Hero. They will know that each Sailor, Soldier, Airman, Coast Guardsman and Marine is a Hero. That they fight for our Freedom and our way of life in America. Most of all they will know that Papa is a proud Veteran of the US Navy and that I am a proud Daughter of a Vietnam Veteran.

Thank You to each and every Man and Woman who have served our country in the past and those who are currently serving.

"The soldier above all others prays for peace, for it is the soldier who must suffer and bear the deepest wounds and scars of war". General Douglas MacArthur

Praying For Ali

For the past few months I have been following the story of a girl who many of my friends graduated with. She was diagnosed with a rare and very serious form of cancer. As I followed her sister's blog and read each day on Facebook as people prayed for her, I couldn't help but be touched by her story. Her name was Ali. Last night she lost her battle. I have followed Ali's story and I am, somehow, a complete stranger feeling such grief for her family, for her life. Her sister has helped share her story on her blog and this post is by far the most touching thing I have ever read. It brought more than tears to my eyes, but had me wiping my face to read on. She has been able to tell her sister's story in the raw and letting Ali's personality and love shine through. Since most of my writing has been brought forward regarding grief, I felt it was only right to share this amazing tribute to a beautiful woman who left this Earth way too soon. Please say a prayer for Ali's family tonight and take a moment to read her sister's post.


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Sarah