Nine years

Emma, 

It is so hard to believe that in just a few days you would be 9 years old. 

Nine Years. 

Nine years ago I learned what loss felt like. 

Nine years ago I became a different person. 

Nine years ago I lost you. 

Looking back there are so many things I don't remember. I guess that is time's way of letting me heal. Some days I only think of you once or twice and others you never leave my mind. 

You are the baby who made me a better, stronger woman. 

You are the baby who made me a little crazier than I already was. 

You are the baby I expected to be healthy. 

I expected to raise. 

You are the baby that taught me I am not in control. 

You have given me strength and helped me advocate for all of the children in my life. 

You have made me live a life without regret. 

You have changed my views on so many things. 

It is hard to believe that Anna was the same age as Sam is now when we lost you. At the time she seemed so grown up. I remember her dress and the shoes I had to have her wear. I remember watching through tears as she walked around the funeral home just before the service having everyone smell her carnation. I remember thinking how big she was. That is my memory of the two of you. The closest I ever got to having the two of you together. 

I wonder now, who would you be? Would you be sweet and low key like Anna or a funny stinker like Sam. Curly hair or straight? Maybe somewhere in the middle of my other two little girls. 

Life changed forever when we saw your face on that ultrasound. 

When we found your fate. 

I cherish every second of carrying you. 

I cherish every kick, hiccup and craving. 

You will forever be a part of me.

I take solace in knowing God is holding you in His arms. 

I take comfort in knowing you are whole in Heaven. 

I like knowing you are with Connor.

Take good care of your baby brother up there. 

I imagine you fight with him, just as Anna and Wy fight down here. 

And that you love each other unconditionally, just as they do. 

Nine Years. 

Nine Years of loving you. 

Nine years without you. 

I will always and forever love you, Emma Jean. 

Choice

I wrote this 6 1/2 years ago. As the March for Life takes place today I feel it is an important time to share my experience. The heartache that changed me. 

4-13-10
In the past, I can't say I ever took a side on the pro choice/pro life debate. I thought of it as a decision that a woman would come to, that extenuating circumstances would play a major factor in. When I had a child with a fatal birth defect, I didn't even think of myself as someone having to make a “choice” into one of these groups. I remember my mom saying that my Aunt had mentioned it to her, but really didn't even get the concept at the time. It was in the months after that I realized that “termination” is a medical term that lead me into the “pro choice” realm of thinking. When I lost Emma, I never thought of her as “aborted”. She is my child and I love her with all of my heart. T.J. and I made the best decision for ourselves and for Anna. We thought we made the best decision for Emma.
All of the months I grieved for her I sat at the cemetery and looked at the other stones. If only I had thought of the Mothers who lost their children because they didn't stay in their wombs long enough. These babies that came too soon and couldn't be saved. What their mothers wouldn't give to have carried them longer. What I wouldn't give to have carried Emma longer.
I guess there is a turning point in every persons life. A place where they can stop and realize that they have changed. Sitting on a hot Summers day in that cemetery I changed. It was Emma's due date July 28. I had made it to when she should have been here. I was able to heal a little that day and I was able to see things a lot clearer. That was the day I changed my mind on what I thought was a “political issue”.
As I sit here and type this it is the day before Connor's birthday. The night I went into the hospital was one year ago today. I can sit here and think that I did everything for my son to give him as much life as I could. I can look fondly on my time with Connor. I was given such a gift to carry a baby for 9 months who was not able to survive outside of my womb. How can anyone not believe in God or in Miracles....without these things what was this experience! I felt every kick and hiccup and helped him to grow into a perfect baby boy. I was able to deliver him, hold him, kiss him, love him and he went to be with our Lord in his own time. I wish every mom faced with a diagnosis like ours could step into my mind for just a few minutes. I wish I could go back 2 years 1 month and a few hours and step into my own mind today. Would I have done things differently? I guess I will never know. One thing I do know is that my life has been forever changed by my two precious babies. I thank God and Emma everyday for the things they have taught me and the strength they gave me to carry Connor. What a gift to be given.

One day left of One...

It is hard to believe that two years ago you were getting ready to make your entrance into this world. I have never been so scared in my entire life. So ready to meet someone. You made quite the long and dramatic way here in your own time and you have kept us on our toes since. What an incredible blessing you are to us!

You are a sweet and sour, naughty and nice, amazing baby and we are all more in love with you now than we were 2 years ago. You are wise beyond your years and act much older than 2, except for the random fits over the wrong cookie or someone else hitting the light switch! 

You are sassy and funny and you love to laugh. You love your nana and Wyatt and love to be with them. You repeat about everything and always use your manners- you have even mastered the puppy eyed "pease" when you really want something! 

You can count to ten, know your colors and your letters and sounds. You love to watch "Ryan" on YouTube and love peppa pig and Mickey. You love playing with potato "heads" and legos "blocks". You like play doh and baby dolls too. You are super fast and can sprint with the big kids. You have excellent balance and can jump and land on 2 feet (Nate Granny says this is a kindergarten milestone). You love to ride your "bike" and chase Brutus all over. You would live on fruit snacks and juice boxes if I let you! You love "toclate" and "pops" too! 

You have a way of making everyone around you smile, even when you are giving them a dirty look for looking at you!  You call yourself "Mimi" or "baby" and love to say "me turn", "mine", "I got it", "thank you mommy", "I go mommy's room", "I go downstairs", "Wuv you", and so much more! 

You are finally starting to give hugs and kisses and talk to people! Just on your own time. You love to dance and sing. You are a pro at wheels on the bus! You have been to Disney World and can't wait to go see "Mickey moush" again soon. You are so full of personality and an independent little thing! We are proud and so thankful that you are ours. I am so excited to see the little person you turn into! 

Sammi Grace.

You are my rainbow.

My miracle

The baby I never thought I could have. 

You are the hope that I had lost.

You are so much more than I ever dreamed.

You are the baby.

You are our baby. 

Sam I am

Sam Sammerson

Sammi Sam

Little Stink

We love you to the moon and back. 

Happy 2nd Birthday, Sam.

Love, mommy

Had she been able to just be...

Somedays

some weeks 

some months 

Harder than the years 

before them. 

Things creep into my mind.

Leaving me feeing guilt ridden and grief stricken all in a single bolt. 

Regret.

Thoughts of how I failed her. 

Thoughts of how I should have been stronger. 

Thoughts on who she would have been, 

Had she been able to just be. 

Eight years ago I was grieving the loss of my daughter. 

Eight years ago I was waiting to just get to the day she should have been born. 

I was crying on her gravestone 

Just as I cry on my couch today. 

Whether it be induction

Termination 

Abortion

It doesn't matter how my insurance billed me.

It doesn't matter how the Church viewed me.

I lost my child.

I lost every hope and dream for her.

I lost 19 weeks of my pregnancy that I may have been able to have with her.

Was it from fear?

Yes

Was it from shock? 

Yes

Was it from lack of information? 

Yes

Was it from doctors telling me all of the defects she had and her zero percent chance at life.

From the fact that she had stopped growing and it was only a matter of time before she was gone....

Yes

If I had to go back and do it all again would I change my mind

           Hell freaking yes 

I don't often feel bad.

But every once in awhile it plagues me.

The guilt, the regret and the grief play on each other until I feel just about as awful as possible. Like I don't have any of the answers and I could question every move I make. Because if I didn't know then, do I know now?

8 years ago we joked how she would of been born on our anniversary. 

2 years younger than Anna. 

Our little Emma Jean.

I have spent the last 8 years working hard to never regret anything again. Especially anything to do with my children. Emma taught me that. She changed me forever. She made me a better person.

 If only I could know who she was...

Who would she have been, had she been able to just be. 

Adoption day eve ...

Six years ago tonight we were waiting for a dream to come true.

We had finally gotten to the incredible day when Wyatt would officially be ours forever. 

This crazy toddler who waddled his way into our hearts. With his deep little voice and beautiful brown eyes.

To look back at the uncertainty in his eyes is a gift.

It is a reminder of how far he has come. How much he has overcome. He no longer has this look.  He no longer has this fear. For years now he has had a twinkle in his eye that has taken it's place. 

So full of spirit and mischief. 

He feels secure and happy. He has known for a long time he is home. He knows about his life in foster care, but only what I have told him. He knows about his belly mommy, but only what I have told him.

His past is part of who he is. It is part of his story. It is important to him. 

Parenting him has taught us so much.

He has opened our eyes and our hearts and kept us on our toes.

As he gets older and more comfortable with himself it is so cool to see him shine. 

He is smart and funny and puts out endless effort. He is my snuggle buddy.

He is caring and ornery and has a smile who would win anyone over.

 He is my best boy and an incredible brother to both of his sisters.

I am so excited to see the little man he becomes. 

Six years since he became a forever part of our family.

Such an amazing gift from God. 

Happy Adoption Day Super Wy. 

Toilet talk at Target

The media is on fire with toilet talk.

Target has announced that they will still allow transgendered people to use the restroom with which gender they associate.

"In our stores, we demonstrate our commitment to an inclusive experience in many ways. Most relevant for the conversations currently underway, we welcome transgender team members and guests to use the restroom or fitting room facility that corresponds with their gender identity."

People everywhere are freaking out. Boycotting target and calling for changes. 

 I think the most important thing to point out is that it isn't a new thing! This is just reiterating the fact that they have always and continue to stand for inclusivity. 

The title of the article is CONTINUING to Stand for Equality. 

https://corporate.target.com/article/2016/04/target-stands-inclusivity

There is no change in the way they are handling the situation, they have always had this stance. 

I have been to Target three times in the last three days. Just normal Target shopping for me. I used the bathroom 3 times too. I made it! My kids even used the bathroom, they are fine too.

Just as every other trip to Target we have made in the past 10 years we used the bathroom and we didn't look at the other people in the stalls next to us close enough to know the gender they were born. We just did our business and went about our day.

When I thought about the outrage against Target I thought about the people who are Transgender who have been using whichever bathroom they want for years. There have been people shopping with you, smiling and saying hello, using the bathroom in the stall next to you- who are and have been transgender - for years! In the big vast scheme of things this has never before had an affect on your life and it will continue to not have an affect on your life.

A good friend of mine posted on Facebook and said -

"A person willing to commit a crime against a woman or child - or anyone for that matter - doesn't care what the sign on the bathroom door says. Just my $0.02 on the matter. "

YES!!

I have family and friends who will hate this post. I see that. I try and understand how they feel. I realize they have concerns and that they have fears of the unknown. I don't want to discount those concerns. But, I have friends who live this life. Who want the best for their own kids as well. I try to put myself in the other person's shoes in a matter like this and I try to see both sides.

When it comes down to it I think Target was trying to make a statement. I think they wanted to let their employees and customers know they are all inclusive, which I think is awesome. But, in doing that they brought issues upon themselves that were completely unnecessary.

The last I checked there weren't bathroom police anywhere. No one checks your genetalia before entering the bathroom. So even without their new policy those who were living as another gender would still be able to go on just like they have before. The only difference that people fear is that those abusing the policy now have access. (Note that these people would have had the exact same access to any restroom before this as well, still no gender identity checker to go through)

And let us not forget, at Target there is always the family bathroom! Anyone and everyone- usually me and 3 kids - are always welcome. No one gets offended and we can all pee together. The intention of target to make a statement may have been a good one, but sometimes leaving well enough alone is good enough.

Reality check

When I started thinking about what I was going to write tonight it wasn't good. There wasn't much positive. I am angry. I hate that there are bad people in this world, even worse that these people raise children who are jerks. 

Those who say racism is dead are full of crap. Racism is very much alive. I have had my share of old ladies that I have dealt with, but tonight was the first time my kids have ever dealt with a racist. Even worse- a racist child. 

As the kids came out of a church group tonight they were both visibly upset and wanted tell me about something that happened. 

Wyatt said a boy told him "you look black" - Anna said "he told me when it happened and he was very upset". I told them that is not a bad thing, that is something to be proud of and something to be thankful for. Wyatt said "he said it mean- like it is bad". My heart sank. I wanted to tell him this boy is an ass. I wanted to tell him this kid is being raised by bigots. But, I didn't. 

Anna came in the house and ran to tell TJ that someone offended Wyatt. I was impressed that she even knew how to use the word. She made him a bowl of ice cream and we all talked about what was said. About how people may say things about his skin being different and that our differences are good. (We have had conversations like this many times.)

We talked about how he doesn't understand why someone would be called black, because he is really brown. We talked about how he got his gorgeous skin from his belly mommy. We talked about how as he gets older kids and adults may say things- mean things- and we always want he and Anna to tell us just as they did tonight. 

I talked to the leader of the church class and she was unaware of this happening. I knew the kids hadn't told the adults there and we discussed telling an adult when something happens too. She told me Wyatt and this boy had said a curse word (crap-ironically I used that word earlier in this post) and they had to sit out on a couch. So no one was around them when he said it. She said when he came back he seemed different, but she assumed it was because he had been punished. She said she would talk to the child who said it and that she wasn't surprised. 

My kids don't want to go back. I don't blame them.  

Of all of the feelings I have had tonight the one I will let stand out the most is the feeling of pride. Wyatt told Anna when he was upset about what happened. She then took care of him, kept him feeling safe and told me right away. When I asked her if she was upset by what was said or by how it made Wyatt feel she said how it made him feel. She said not much upsets him (so true) and he was really upset. 

My kids stuck together. They protect each other. They look out for each other. 

Anna will never know the feeling Wyatt felt tonight when he was treated that way, but she will forever empathize with him because she saw his pain. 

After Wyatt fell asleep I talked to to Anna. I said the adults in this boys life are not good people- he hears these things from them. Kids don't just come up with ideas of hate on their own. They are taught these things. It was the first conversation I have had with her about racism. She knows about slavery and Martin Luther King- but kids today are not taught about hate in the present. She understands now. 

Wyatt is still a little too young to get that concept. He just knew it hurt. 

Tonight I am going to pray for my kids who had an awful life experience. 

I am going to pray that the teacher at the church class has a real and honest discussion with this child and his parents. 

I am going to pray for this kid. Because if this is how he treats other children he needs a prayer. 

Most of all I am going to pray for Wy. I am going to pray that he feels pride in who he is and who he will become. I am going to pray that we are able to help him through these situations that we have never had to live through. And I am going to pray that he and Anna are always as close as they are today.