Part 2

I have been able to visit Aunt Jean a few times in the passed couple of weeks. Each time I go we talk a little about "today" and mostly about before. She openly talks about how much she hates Alzheimer's Disease. She hates not remembering things and losing her thought mid sentence. I am glad she will talk about this with me. She has tried so hard for a long time to seem like everything is okay, so I am sure it is nice to finally just stop pretending. If not by choice, by neccesity. When we bring up the past I always talk about the nights I spent with her. Saturday nights, every so often, when Mom and Dad would go out. Aunt Jean and I would go through her jewelry, eat something including Green Beans and watch Empty Nest and Golden Girls. I vividly remember this part of my childhood, which is nice, because I don't remember a whole lot of it!
When I ask her about her childhood she was able to remember a lot. She told me how my Great Grandparents met. Emma Cundy (my Great Grandma Ahrens) worked at a restraunt and Bill Ahrens (my great grandpa) made a delivery there from a delicatessen where he worked. He asked her on a date and the rest was history. Aunt Jean said she and my Grandmother were always close growing up. Aunt Jean is older, but they shared many of the same friends. When they were young they lived in Clifton. She said they would often dress in their best clothes and heels and walk to Eden Park to hang out with friends. Snow, Rain, heat...always dressed in heels! I can't imagine walking 1/3 that far in heels. She said a friend of theirs Uncle ran the shelter at Eden Park, so they were able to hang out there. My Great Uncle John owned a Bar in Clifton. She said My Great Grandpa owned a linens company and provided the linens for the restraunt. My Great Grandma would not only cook all of the meals for the bar, but also make aprons and linens for my Great Grandpa. I asked Aunt Jean what her aspirations were as a child. She said she always wanted to be a Secretary. She started at 17 and was a Secretary into her 70's. I guess she was exactly what she wanted to be. When I asked her how my Grandma and Grandpa met she thought long and hard. She thinks it was when she was at Westinghouse and went on a date with a man there and Grandpa and Grandma were set up as doubles. I am not sure if that is how it happened, she got a little distant when thinking about this one.
When I went over yesterday she gave me all of the written history of the Ahrens, Cundy and Fosse families. This information dates as far back as the 1600's. I haven't had much of a chance to look over it yet, but I plan to soon. I guess maybe this little idea will be more than just a two part project.


A few of the pictures I added are from Aunt Jean's album. Aunt Jean as a toddler (with Jewelry on, she remembered always wearing jewelry as a child) , The Ahren's Family - Great Grandma Ahrens, Grandma Strasser(Dot), Aunt Jean and Great Grandpa Ahrens, My uncle John's Bar and Aunt Jean and her first car

Return of the Guilt

It always amazes me how guilt can strike out of nowhere. I drove passed the cemetery yesterday and thought about how it has been weeks since I have been there. I can reassure myself that the snow, sleet and ice are part of the reason. The 2 children in the car, the sadness I feel when I am there sometimes, I have been busy yadda yadda yadda. I haven't been to the cemetery in weeks, am I a bad mom for this!!? I sat and talked with a dear friend of mine tonight about the guilt. About how I have been doing so great lately. Enjoying life and my children and I have been happy. It is times like this that the guilt hits me. Should I be this happy? I have 2 babies in Heaven. I have 2 children who are not on this Earth, how could I be happy? But, I am. It is the 2 children I have in my arms that help. My husband and my dog (as obnoxious as he is sometimes!) and my family. I can honestly say that time has helped me heal. I think about Emma and Connor everyday. I pray for them every night. I wear jewelry with their names and I stare at their pictures, but I do not cry. Then on days like today I feel guilty because I haven't cried. Has it been too long? Am I numb to this specific pain and I can no longer feel it? I don't know. I do know it is nice to talk to someone else who is the same kind of "crazy" as I am. I guess I am able to worry about my children here. I can worry about school, sickness, fighting, crying, eating, sleeping, rocking, playing and every other thing they do. For Emma and Connor I don't have much more than my grief. Grieving has been my entire relationship with them, so when the crying stops and the pain lessens what do I have? Maybe that is where the guilt comes in. I am looking for a new relationship to share with them. A way of moving forward without "moving on". A way to try and "know" them without ever having known them. This may be something I never figure out or something that happens totally on it's own. For now I will give myself a break. Be thankful that the crying comes less and the pain is more tolerable. I guess I will have to give myself a little time to figure this new stage of grieving out.

Part 1

I received news today that my Great Uncle is in Hospice care and probably won't make it through the night. He has had Alzheimer's disease for awhile now and has not been doing well, but still hearing this news is so sad. The power of facebook has brought my extended family together from all over the country to hear the news together. His son has been caring for him for a long time and it has been a long rode dealing with this devastating disease. He and his family are heartbroken that his Father will soon be joining his Mom, Aunt Gloria, who passed away not long ago. I remember many things about my Uncle Don. I can think fondly of many memories I was able to have with him, that I didn't get with my Grandfather. My grandpa, Uncle Don's brother, died 25 years ago. I was only 5. I was always able to see a bit of my Grandpa in my uncle Don's sweet smile. That is something I will never forget. Even when we saw him a few months ago at my Mom's party, he was smiling. Not always aware of his surroundings, but smiling.
Thinking about him and about his family can only lead me to think about my Great Aunt. Everyone who has known me knows my Aunt Jean. She has been at every party, every gathering and a constant part of my life since I was born. My Grandmother, her sister, also died when I was 5. Aunt Jean has been the closest thing to a Grandmother I have had for as long as I can remember. Over the passed few years she has been battling dementia. As it progresses into Alzheimer's disease I will admit it is hard to watch her. She has gone from a fully independent woman to someone who needs notes and reminders to help her through her day. She is still the same person, just slowly losing herself. It is a very sad disease to watch. To be honest I know I am bad about visiting her because it is hard to see this woman who has been "Aunt Jean" forever, become a shell of her former self. My mom talks to her more than once a day and I send food over and call to check on her. On more than one occasion she has called Anna, Sarah. On more than one occasion she has called me, Donna. I have realized the easiest way for us both to be comfortable is to talk about the past. I recently sat with her and looked through an old album and asked her many things about the pictures. She is pretty good with these memories. Thinking of this and Uncle Don is where I got my idea for tonight. I have compiled a list of questions I want to know the answers to. Simple things, like where did my Great Grandparents meet, where did my Grandparents meet, writing down the names of all of my great aunts and uncles. I want to know a few of her memories, her childhood. These are the things that live only in her memory. I would like to write them down, so some day if she can't remember even them. I will tell her about her life. So, hence the title of this blog being Part 1. I am looking forward to writing Part 2 and I hope to find somethings I didn't know before. Saying an extra prayer tonight for Uncle Don and knowing he has the love of his life waiting for him with open arms in Heaven.
*the picture above is from Aunt Jean's birthday party a few years back, it is Aunt Jean, Aunt Gloria and Uncle Don...of course with that smile on his face.

The wishing Tree

http://angelwishingtree.blogspot.com/

Emma, Connor and Baby Caito have been added to the Wishing Tree!! It is so nice to see your babies names in print, even those angels who we were never able to name. Just to see that someone else is acknowledging them as you do means so much! Thanks for adding the Caito babies to the tree!

This is a little explanation of what it is as listed on their blog.
"Wishing trees are traditionally somewhere you tie your wishes and when the paper is worn and fades away your wish comes true.

This wishing tree is an angelic wishing tree. The angel names added throughout the year will stay there until the elements take them or I remove them on December 31st. The angel tags left on the 31st will be burnt and the ashes scattered under the tree."

New Year

A new year starts tomorrow. This is the first New year in the past 3 that we won't welcome a new child into our lives. 3 years ago I was pregnant with Emma and still blissfully unaware of her diagnosis, 2 years ago I was carrying Connor and last year we were awaiting Wyatt's finalization. This year I have to admit I am a little saddened by the idea that nothing like this will happen. I think it is made even stronger by the possibility that I will need a hysterectomy in the coming months. I know the pregnancy and I have not had the best relationship. After a miscarriage and 2 babies with fatal defects, you think I would never want to be pregnant again. But, the truth is I love being pregnant. I love carrying a child, feeling them move, experiencing emotions you never imagined could exist. If every woman had a pregnancy like the one I had with Anna I think they would all feel this way! I realize that the likely hood of me ever carrying a healthy child is very small, but at least that little thought is still there. With a hysterectomy there is no chance. No baby, no pregnancy, no chance. Sometimes I feel like I must be a little crazy because I actually think maybe I could carry another child to term, even if they were sick, at least I could feel that love. I know it is silly, but I can't tell you the emotions that come with the idea of not being able to conceive. Not being able to carry a baby. Not being able to give a child life, no matter how brief. It really makes me feel for those who have had trouble getting pregnant, carrying babies and feeling that realm of emotions. But, I guess I shouldn't get too far ahead of myself. Maybe this year my tests will come back normal and the hysterectomy can wait. Maybe something will change T.J.'s mind and we will welcome a new baby someday. For all I know someday in the next 5-10 years they will find a way to stop Anencephaly from happening and I can have a healthy baby. The thing I do like about the new year is the idea that you have no idea what will happen. As much as I may not like it, we also have no control over what will happen. The best we can do is love the ones we have and hold them close. I can look forward to having a big boy and a big girl who will start Kindergarten and preschool next fall and bring me joy everyday. I will be pushed to my limits by tantrums and fights and brought to my knees with hugs and kisses. I guess I really couldn't ask for more...

This time of year

Your stockings

hang empty

your tree

covered with snow

each year I wonder

how much

you would have grown

would you have

liked to see Santa

would you have

screamed and ran

would Emma run crazy

or would she like to hold my hand

would Connor be talking

singing carols all day long

would they like making cookies

would they leave the tree alone

all of these things we cherish

for the ones we hold near

little things I miss for you guys

especially this time of year

Emma and Connor's Snuggle Buddies

Over the past year and a half we have had an incredible outpouring of support for Emma and Connor's Bags of Love. We have been able to help 100's of Foster children with bags, toys and other donations. T.J. and I have even been able to meet a few of the kids and see the appreciation and love they felt from receiving them.

To start the New Year off right, I have another project I need help with. This year we are going to not only continue collecting bags and personal care items for kids in foster care, but we are starting Emma and Connor's Snuggle Buddies. This year my mission is to collect baby blankets, new with the tags on them. These blankets will be taken to Cincinnati Children's Neonatal Intensive Care Unit. When we were foster parents to Aidric, we spent a few days in the NICU with him in Columbus. Everything he had came from donations. When we brought him home he had blankets and toys that were sent with him. We were never able to bring Emma or Connor home. If they had lived they may have spent time in the NICU as well, either way I know a soft blanket is a comfort to all children. This is just another way we can help to do good in their names. Emma and Connor's Snuggle Buddies is something that we can do to bring a little comfort and love to each family in this situation. This is a brand new project and I look forward to helping it to become the success that Emma and Connor's Bags of Love has been!! I need a little help from Emma and Connor's Friends to help us along our way though. The next time you are out shopping and you see baby blanket on sale, pick it up and send it over. We will get them all together and drop them off at Children's. I have also received a newborn wish list I will add to the bottom. We will also be collecting these items to send with our blankets. Thank you so much for your support!

Wish List for Infant Population – Newborn Intensive Care Unit (NICU)

teething rings
rattles, plastic and vinyl only
bibs
Board books
baby theme stickers
12 x1 2 scrap book paper
12 x 12 scrap book albums
4 x 6 picture frames
4 x 6 unfinished wooden frames (these are at Michaels for $1.00)

Please feel free to contact me with any questions or ideas to help us on our way!

Sarah Caito