I usually come to my computer to type my feelings. Let them pour out through my fingertips onto the keys and it makes me feel better. Today I don't plan on that happening. We gave this our all. We put our hearts, our souls, our time and our hope into this situation and it didn't happen. She was not "meant to be" with our family. I can't imagine what or who the family is that was chosen for her- but they better be pretty damn special. Because our family would have cherished and loved her from now until forever. Our family already had a place for her in our hearts. In a placement like this where it has been more than 2 months since seeing her face, putting our homestudy in and then having phone interviews, home interviews etc our whole lives are invested. Our family is invested. Our hearts are invested. Our friends are invested. We have been so blessed to have so many people praying for us and to be honest that is why we didn't keep this a "secret". As I said in my last post, this is like a pregnancy and being "8 weeks" into this it is like a loss.
When I got the phone call today I was sitting in carpool at school. I had to get out to go get Anna and Corey - so I couldn't just sit and cry . But what do you say? What can you say? There is nothing- I was mad. I was upset. I feel like it isn't fair. I usually never say that because I am well aware of how blessed we are- but after all of this time waiting- 2 months, otherwise known as 8 weeks - 60 days of waiting- I imagine 2 weeks ago when they met the family they chose that they knew then- so why make the rest of us wait? We will never know. I am sad for our kids, who knew because they were involved in the process when the workers came to the house, I am sad for my husband who is incredibly accepting and tries not to get too emotionally invested-yet he is a wonderful Daddy and comes by that naturally. I am sad for my parents and in laws, our sister's who have watched us be so hopeful and had the same hope and now watch us fill with sadness and disappointment. I am sad for myself- because I am a damn good mom and I want to be able to have another child in my life. We did all that we could and I guess it just wasn't meant to be.
So where do we go from here - I guess we will just have to wait and see
Que Sera, Sera,
Whatever will be, will be
The future's not ours, to see
Thank you for the prayers, the support and the love -
Jeremiah 29:11
For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope.
