Monday, December 10, 2012

How many times is "Over and Over Again"

According to Albert Einstein, Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.  As I sit and stew in my own thoughts of the future, of the future of our family, this old quote keeps flooding my mind.  I know how blessed I am.  I have been so lucky to have two beautiful, healthy, smart, sweet and on and on and on....children to raise and to love.  I know that things with Wyatt happened as easily as they did, because they were meant to.  I know that life has been really hard at times and wonderfully easy at times.
 Looking back I can see how the whole story unfolded into the wonderful life we live now.  But, being on the other end of it is not so simple.  Trying to see where we are headed.  What is "meant to be".  I know this drives TJ nuts, why can't I just leave well enough alone.  We have everything we need.  We have a wonderful complete family.  But, how do you know when your family is complete? I struggle with the thought of no more babies.  No more little ones.  Then in the same thought I am so happy that we are so settled together.  That there are no babies eating every 2 hours at night, crying when they are hungry and diapers to change.  We have come into this happy place that we are in through a long road.   This is the part where you can go somewhere last minute on a whim.  Where your kids are somewhat self sufficient and can play together and on their own.  Where you can leave them for a few minutes without fearing they will hurt themselves. 
But, then I come back to the what ifs.   What if I hadn't looked and found Wyatt? What if I hadn't moved forward in trying to get him?  What if I got pregnant again?  What if the baby could be healthy? What if we were meant to try again? This is where Albert Einstein comes into many times is "over and over again"? In our case it would be 3 times in a row with the same result.  But, could time and space help us here? Would there be a possibility that I could carry and give birth to a healthy baby?
It seems like right now everyone around me is either pregnant or has a baby.  Baby fever is a normal thing for Mom's, but where would it lead me? It has been 4 years of healing since Connor.  We are in a great place right now.  If I were to get pregnant and the baby did have Anencephaly we would be back to that awful place.  Back to those feelings we have worked through for years.  Back to the pain.  This time around it would be different too, because the kids would understand.  Anna was only 3 with Connor.  Now she is almost 7 and Wyatt is almost 5.  They understand the concept of having a baby.  Of bringing the baby home.  But, what if the baby was healthy.  What if this whole "plan" was to have Wyatt be our son in between our 2 birth children? What if I had a healthy baby, I had Anna, it could happen, right?
This is the mess that goes on in my head before I fall asleep at night.  I have tried to research the recurrence of Anencephaly and most people (everyone else I know!!) have gone on to have more healthy babies....but now I am in the realm of more than 1.  I have already had 2 babies with it and a miscarriage.  So are my chances worth the risk? There are no guarantees in life.  Not in adoption.  Not in giving birth.  Not in life. 
It is times like these I am waiting for some kind of sign.  Something to tell me which path to follow and where it will lead me.  Then it seems like I take everything as a sign of some sort!
As I sat with my sister this morning and had this very discussion my phone rang.  It was my Ob/Gyn calling to set up my appointment.  I have been going to this doctor for 15 years and they have never called me to set up my appointment.  Sign? Coincidence? Maybe just God getting a giggle out of seeing me squirm.  I guess no matter what happens in the future I don't have too much of a say.  For now I will enjoy and love each moment with my amazing little family.  If anything is for certain I can tell from experience that God knows what He is doing.  It is just all in His time. 

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